Making relationships with school mums without being full-on

[Schooldinners1]

Sorry if this sounds a bit weird as I am autistic but come across “high functioning”.

I would like to have some decent relationships with mums at the new school this September but I don’t want to come across pushy or full on.

How do I casually start being friendly and getting on with some of the mums where our kids get on and maybe swap numbers and suggest a play date/trip to the park without it seeming too full on.

I just don’t want to get it wrong and also end up inviting people who never bother.

I just want some pleasant relationships for the kids sake and not feel socially awkward.

Just to add I find friendships and socialising awkward in general and always second guess myself.

Thanks for your help 😂

I'm autistic too. Do you want to make friends for yourself or so that your kids have friends? In my case I waited for my children to make friends but I avoided any social get together apart from very occasionally.

Step back
It'll happen naturally
Don't push anything
Smile
Chat about the weather
Normal question. How's your son getting on
Wait til child asks about going for tea before jumping in swapping numbers

I guess I just want my kids to have a nice time? And feel like they can have friends over and we can invite friends to the park or any activities on the weekend if the kids want to.

I feel like it takes one of the parents outside of school to suggest something firstly.

Hi asd mum here too.

I think it's worth just being friendly smiling if queuing waiting for kids ect. I usually find my daughter provides a excuse to say something.

I invite everyone from my Dd nursery year group to her birthday party (it was bedlam actual bedlam) and usually I see the same faces.

Funnily enough I usually seem drawn to other ND mums (makes life easier) take it easy, and don't panic you will find your tribe

If there’s a class WhatsApp group I would sometimes post ‘as it’s lovely weather DC and I are heading to the local park after school if anyone fancies joining’ and waiting to see if anyone comes but it’s important you do it regardless.

You may need to do it more than once, don’t be disheartened!

I really wouldn’t worry about it, it either will or will not happen.
I have a 16yo and a 10yo and never made any mummy mates at school. Despite hosting play dates, invites to my kids parties and even a couple of end of school year dinners out, no friendships came to fruition.
I have seen some of the other mummies pal up but not with me!

so it might happen for you, or it might not, don’t put too much weight on it.
at first I was upset because I wondered why no one wanted to be my friend. Was it me, my kids got in well with most of their class mates so it wasn’t that!

I recently started a hobby that interests me but wasn’t possible when my kids were younger. And now I have some lovely friends and a fulfilling social life, so don’t worry about making mummy friends at school.

I don't agree it will happen naturally at least not all the time I do think you have to put in some effort sometimes I've never made mum friends at the school but different for me as its my children that are autistic and they never really spoke to other kids so I found making mum friends difficult when there wasn't a shared interest like our children being friends

I just don't want to do something wrong and muck it up for myself. I don't want to end up feeling awkward at pickups that's why I want to tread carefully 😅

Good idea but I would be scared to do it in case everyone ignores me!

You could join the PTA if you have a bit of time. I met parents from all year groups that became friends and it quickly gives you people to chat to in the playground while waiting. The circle becomes much wider than just the class.
I've heard on mn that some aren't very nice but mine was lovely.

I’m Asd, also manage to mask very efficiently. I have learned the hard way to really back off and let it happen slowly. Just be nice, be friendly, don’t try too hard. Definitely don’t try too hard. Some mums don’t want to know, most others are happy to be friendly but don’t want to be ‘friends’. As pp said, I’ve given up hoping for friendships for me from the school but ds has a lovely circle of friends with mums that it’s pleasant to spend time with on play dates. Good luck! Helping with school activities definitely helps btw but avoid the committees. I did the PTA the first year I was there but found the politics intolerable. Now I just say ‘ask me if you need any help’.

Thanks! I feel like the PTA would give me a reason to actually speak to people and maybe it'll give me a bit of confidence with these things but I don't have time for any “politics!”

I would love it if we had at least some local friends so they could spend time with each other during holidays.

If you do put a message on inviting people to the park, don't get disheartened if people don't come or ignore, they might think yes I'd love to but got to Dr or dentist
Don't take it personally

Second the advice about the class WhatsApp and park after school idea. That happens in our group a fair bit (or a hot chocolate at the cafe on a Friday in winter)

I am also happy to send a message saying ‘DD has been talking about how much she likes playing with Tilly/Harry. Would be nice to get them together at the weekend/one day in the holidays. Let me know if you fancy the park/soft play/play date at mine.’ Or something similar. It says that you’re open to meeting up but is vague enough for them to send a non committal reply too.

I set up a class WhatsApp when DD started Reception & parents will often post saying going to the park if anyone wants to join or similar. Which is nice. We’ve also had a few parents nights out.

Typically though, there are a couple of mums I feel like I get on better with but DD has no interest in their kids.

There’s also a couple of dads I get on well with but I guess I would feel awkward trying to pursue a friendship with them as it can be frowned upon, even though I have male friends in other areas of my life like my hobby and no one bats an eyelid

One of mums in DD's class did a nice thing. Our school had two reception classes which are split by age, mine was in the second half which meant no parties in the early months where parents could meet. This mum held a little tea party for 5-6 friends, sending invitations in book bags. The girls are in different classes now but I really appreciated this gesture at the beginning of school.

Just adding, I joined the PTA, ours doesn't have politics but I understand it's pot luck on that!

This is how I made my mum friends. Someone on the class whatsapp suggested we all go out for a drink. We did that and the mums I found myself chatting to the most/felt I gelled with, I spoke to at school afterwards and suggested a smaller drink with just us (you cant go out en mass 30+ people each time!) Luckily they agreed, I set up a smaller whatsapp and there you have it. We go out constantly, see each other outside of school and our kids luckily like each other so plenty of playdates!

I would love it if we had at least some local friends so they could spend time with each other during holidays.

What strikes me there is that you are linking friendships for yourself and friendships for your child - it doesn't necessarily work that way though. Your child is in school all day and will form their own friendships, and the parents of those children may have 4 older children and be totally over school friendships, or may work 60 hours a week and have a nanny, or be a mumsnetter who wears earphones to sprint in and out of the gates without speaking to anyone. You can still arrange playdates, but you won't become friends with the parents. My DS's best school friends are the ones he goes to teatime club and holiday club with, and I barely see their parents at all.

Just join the WhatsApp group (or start one if there isn't one), go to the park after school on Friday, volunteer to do the bookbags or do reading or whatever, and generally be pleasant. It will become clear whether you get on with any of the other parents, but take it easy and look out for friends elsewhere too.

Oh thanks I think it's a confidence thing to brush it off if no one shows up. I think mentioning their kids names and suggesting trip to the park or come over to play is a nice idea. If anything it's you just being polite and the kids idea.