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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To accuse my dh without evidence?

11 replies

FroglikeBlue · 27/05/2023 16:43

(Name changed for privacy and names are changed in the story too)

Bit of backstory - DH and I have been together 14 years (married 12), the first year we were together, we were young 21/22 years old and he drank A LOT. He cheated on me once and I had seen times when he would have if I'd not been there. All whenever he was wasted.

He quit t-total for years.
In the last few years it began with one drink on anniversaries, one on birthdays etc to now him drinking a lot (in my opinion) and roughly once a year (maybe twice) he has a blowout.
Promises to be home early, it's not a big night out and drags himself in the middle of the night, vomiting and unable to get out of bed for the rest of then next day.
He did this last night. But the last time he did this, I had to call his dad in the middle of the night to pick him up cos his phone battery was low and he's planning to walk a dual carriageway in the dark.

Last night, I left him to sort himself out and he rolled in at 2am, fell asleep on the sofa, putting the entire takeaway he ordered in the fridge (which now reeks).
The issue was that he was avoiding eye contact when he got home and then I found out that he had Facebook friend requested a young woman and my heart dropped. When he's sober he's a lovely man but when he's drunk, he's an absolute nightmare and I don't trust him.

I admit it, I assumed. He never friend requests anyone on Facebook.

He said it was his mate Adam's sister who came out to drive them back to the Adams house when Adam was too drunk to drive his car and the sister drove back to the pub to get their 3rd friend Dave, neither of them had Dave's number so Adam friend requested her off my husbands phone to get in touch with her...

I don't know what to think or do.
He thinks he deserves better than me accusing him of cheating.
I think that even if he didn't do anything that he's trying to make himself into the victim so I feel bad.

OP posts:
FroglikeBlue · 27/05/2023 16:45

Just to add, we have 2 young children so I couldn't have picked him up myself, they were asleep in bed.

OP posts:
DanceMonster · 27/05/2023 16:47

It doesn’t matter whether you were right or wrong to accuse him, the fact is you don’t trust him and for good reason.

Fairowing · 27/05/2023 16:48

Ask your DH this convoluted Adam’s sister story again in a day or two - there’s a saying “if you’re telling the truth, you don’t need a good memory.”

ProfessorXtra · 27/05/2023 16:53

Well there’s a few issues here. You don’t trust him and he sounds untrustworthy.

But on the other hand, there’s potential that he is telling the truth and to be fair, you can’t keep punishing him for things he did in the past.

If you really don’t trust him, you shouldn’t be with him.

DustyLee123 · 27/05/2023 16:57

You don’t trust him. You don’t need a reason to end it now.

MarIey · 27/05/2023 16:58

You don't trust him. How do you know he has friend requested someone?

Irritateandunreasonable · 27/05/2023 17:04

I understand why you’re anxious. He cheated on you when drunk a very long time ago and that is playing on your mind. Will you ever be able to move past this?

He’s having ‘blow outs’ twice a year, home at 2 - this doesn’t seem like a massive deal in my opinion. Is he otherwise a good husband and Father? Are you happy?

Can you move forward from the niggling feeling he will cheat when drunk? Is he that same immature idiot he was back then or has he grown up and matured into a descent family man?

I don’t think you need to immediately leave him because you’re having some trust issues but I do think you need to put some thought in about if you can ever truly move on from what he did because 14 years later, you’re still struggling and that’s a painful place for you to be.

FroglikeBlue · 27/05/2023 17:07

@Irritateandunreasonable

I don't trust him when he's drunk.
I do when he's sober.

He's a good dad and usually a responsible man if slightly lacking in thoughtfulness.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever forget the past or trust him when he is drinking, it sends me into extreme anxious panic and it makes me feel sick with worry.

OP posts:
OverTheCountryClub · 27/05/2023 17:08

Ask him how he'd feel if you had a history of getting absolutely wasted and cheating on him, how he'd feel if you rolled in drunk in the early hours with a new male contact on your phone. Would it be natural he'd be concerned or would you "deserve better" than to be accused?

Therealjudgejudy · 27/05/2023 17:10

The trust is gone

Irritateandunreasonable · 27/05/2023 17:32

FroglikeBlue · 27/05/2023 17:07

@Irritateandunreasonable

I don't trust him when he's drunk.
I do when he's sober.

He's a good dad and usually a responsible man if slightly lacking in thoughtfulness.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever forget the past or trust him when he is drinking, it sends me into extreme anxious panic and it makes me feel sick with worry.

Oh that is sad that you feel that way. The thing is, you can’t ask him not to go out twice a year - it’s a little unreasonable. If as a young woman you treated when drunk 14 years ago and as a result your partner refused to let you out drinking a couple times a year we would probably call that abusive.

You have decided to stay in this relationship so I think you need to trust him until you have further reason not to do so. There’s no point staying with someone if you can’t move forward.

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