Am I a low coper?

[isitmereally]

I work 15 hours a week, 3 days, school hours. Husband is self-employed and works long hours.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with life at the moment. I do everything to do with the kids (2 primary aged) and house, school drops offs, Arrange after school clubs, cover sick days, school holiday cover, sort play dates, food shop, all cooking, packed lunches, hair cuts, doctors, school projects, home work. I sort all birthday presents/parties, grandparent presents. Husband sorts most of the bills. I have a few to sort. I deal with new car tyres/MOT, parents evenings.........
It's all got too much lately and I've asked husband to take a few things off me. Sons hair cuts and one football session a week.
He's gone crazy saying I have loads of time ( I have school hours on Mondays and Fridays) to get everything done and he doesn't know what I do with my time.
An example of my day off today: 4 loads of washing, stripped beds, went to a school assembly this morning, took my car to get tyres. Walked to the shops while I waited and got a kit list for one child's school trip and pick up prescription. Picked up car, got home sorted washing, ironing, made beds. Picked up kids, made tea, one to a club 4.30-6 other child to a club 6-7. Home, snack, baths, story bed.
So......am I moaning or do I have loads or time and I should be doing everything while he just goes to work and does the odd after school club pick up?
I really don't know if it's me or do most people split the life admin/mental load a bit more fairly even if one works less.

I'm the same op. I'm a sahm but briefly had a part time job..2/3 days a week and have two dc. I found it really stressful and like I had no time to do anything. I'm a sahm now and kids at school. I have more time but there is just so much to do when you have kids and a house to run. I must be a low coper too!

It doesn't matter if other people manage or not, what matters is you are asking your husband for help and he is refusing. It's not on. Having said that does he not have any spare time? I work full time but only have 1 child which makes things significantly easier I would imagine. Can you share runs to clubs with other parents? Maybe get a spreadsheet to help you keep on top of daily things? Have you only recently become overwhelmed or has it been building? Are you feeling okay in yourself?

I have never been able to work out why some men think that having a wife and children should result in LESS work. Like we all mostly work FT before marriage and kids, and they presumably do laundry and clean the fridge. Then suddenly kids create more mess and work and although they still work FT, they do less.

It's baffling.

I'd leave because I wouldn't be married to an utter twat. But you could try counselling and talking to him.

Thanks for your reply's. He does get time to himself. It differs depending on work. He goes to the pub most days for half an hour. Today he went to the gym and walked the dogs.
Normally I cope ok. Recently the clubs have increased and I've not been feeling great. Had quite a few headaches.

Also disclaimer: I do work full time & do all house/life admin - but as I say I only have 1 child which makes a massive difference I'd imagine. I think it can feel like a thankless task if you're not getting support or appreciation for the work you're putting in. My mental load is exhausting at times but if I don't do it then it doesn't get done, I just have calendars & notes everywhere to keep me on track!

I do share clubs with friends, but it's normally me taking her child while she takes the other one of mine. It helps but doesn't give me a night off as such.

Yeah it's absolutely not on then. Do you get time to yourself at all? He should be prioritising his wife and children over going to the pub! Just generalising here but it's far too easy for some men to leave everything to their partnered as it makes for an easy life. Imagine being able

It is that......I don't mind doing it most of the time and I just get on with it. But when I ask for help and just get told I'm I grateful and he dies t know what I do with my tint, that's what upsets me. Then I start to think, is he right, am I just bad at time management. I think I'm very organised and on it most of the time but I might have a distorted version of reality.

So tell him. But the basic issue is that he's a selfish, sexist arsehole.

I do managed to walk for 30 minutes 4 days a week and do a 20 minute home workout 4/5 times. I meet a friend for a walk on Friday mornings and go out one Friday night a month once I've dropped kids home from clubs at 7

I do think he's a selfish arsehole in all honestly but then he makes me question myself

Sorry posted too soon: imagine being able to get up and go with no thought as to whether there's uniforms ready/cereal the kids like in, if they've got PE, if there's petrol in the car, do they have snack for break time. It's never ending and if you can't rely on your husband for support then that's pretty poor. You are doing everything on your own anyway - I often wonder if I dropped dead today what on earth would happen to my kids - their dad would have no idea what size clothes/shoes to buy, what clubs they do & what dates etc.

OP you’re doing far more than your share. It’s making my head spin to read everything you’re managing, carrying the mental lod and working and doing nearly all the child care. No wonder you’re having headaches. You need to list everything you do so your DH can see. He is in a dream world if he thinks you’ve got any spare time at all. The family will suffer if you keep running yourself into the ground.

Sorry that should say carrying the mental load

He’s a selfish prick

id be telling him that I was “working” 9-5 with all those household jobs then anything left over gets split between you and you also get equal free time to do hobbies / pub trips too

He's gone crazy saying I have loads of time ( I have school hours on Mondays and Fridays) to get everything done and he doesn't know what I do with my time.

He went crazy at being asked to parent his some for a couple of hours a week??

OP, the time-honoured response to "I don't know what you do all day" is to stop doing it for at least a week, ideally several. Is there somewhere you could stay and still get to work?

Don't just vanish - that would upset the kids, apart from anything else. And H will need to take some time away from work, so give him a few days' notice and an explanation. Do NOT stock the freezer, sort all the laundry or spring-clean the house. It's time he found out for himself what you do all day 😊

When my mum did this, Dad went into military mode and actually got everything done faster. We didn't have any fun, though - and Dad never uttered that killer phrase again.

parent his some son, I meant!

I'm thinking about going to spend a week with my friend soon. I've got to have an operation so that might be the perfect time. I just worry that the kids will miss clubs and how upsetting it will be for them having so many things forgotten

I think calling yourself a 'low coper' is really awful. You have children, a home and a job, it's quite a lot.

👏 Good. Do it! You won't be able to recuperate from surgery while being Mrs Everything, anyway - staying with your friend's the perfect idea.

If your children miss their clubs it's only for one week - maximum. They will be fine. You need the break. Although I'm sure it'll be another lot of work as you'll iron their uniforms, make sure there's food, remind DH about clubs and school events, make sure their bags are packed etc before you go. I hope you don't but I know how it can feel going away can be a task in itself making sure everyone has everything they need before you go. Go and see your friend and offload. You'll feel better for it. Whatever happens in your absence is outwith your control & nothing for you to feel guilty about!

Low coper - I've never come across that before but think that's me.

I have one pre schooler, DH is a high Warner and I don't work but planning to once DC starts school. DC goes to nursery three days a week. I do everything except earn money and I mean everything:

All childcare and entertainment, every bedtime, bathtime, morning and often weeks at a time of nursery is closed in school holidays
All DC meals and an evening meal for DH and I each night
Everything to do with the mental load and running the house, cleaning etc
Car MOT/ insurance etc
Grocery shopping
Laundry/ ironing
Taking out bins
Organising play dates, buying cards and gifts when needed

When DC is in nursery most of the time I deep clean the house and wash my hair to feel human but I know people who have more DC and work as well. I don't know how they do it unless their DH takes on stuff at home