Toddler behaviour - not coping well

[User55555]

NC and shamelessly posting here for traffic. My DS turned two last month & has an awful biting/pinching/scratching habit. I'm at my wit's end. It began around 15 months old (the biting at least, the rest followed) so this has been an eternity for me. It does seem to have improved marginally in the last couple of months coincident with a massive speech leap and I hoped it would be the end of it entirely, but no. His older brother and me get the absolute worst of it (we spend most time with him) and sometimes his dad and pop. Curiously no episodes ever at nursery despite having been bitten there himself (his own biting habit predates him being bitten so I can't attribute it to learned behaviour). I never ever once had this with my eldest. He does come over and say sorry and give us a hug after a time out but I just want it to stop. I feel so so alone. HV sympathetic but said there's nothing 'wrong' developmentally so wait it out. But does this stuff even go on this long though? Surely this is more than a phase?Please, please someone tell me you've been there and come out the otherside

Did not meet to enable voting! Sorry

@User55555 that's really hard OP! What have you tried so far?

I tried everything with my daughter who she was going through this. Eventually if she did it I would stop whatever we where doing and say 'Mummy doesn't play with people that bite / hit' then get up and go to a different room to start washing up, tidying etc ignoring her for a couple of minutes. She tried it for another couple of weeks with the same response and soon stopped.
I get it though OP, it's so difficult and I found it really embarrassing when we went out.

Hey there, sending sympathy for this . It’s really tough . We had this with our second child . We just continued with a ‘kind hands’ message ad nauseam and time out for repeat or deliberate incidents . We always explained time outs to the child and concluded with a cuddle and expected an apology . It passed at 2.5 when language improved . No issues like this with our first who was parented the same

@User55555 please try not to fret, although I know it is hard.

Unlike you, my own DS was a terrible biter at nursery although not with me … it started at around 17 months and I really felt like it was never ending. It was mortifying and upsetting and I questioned my parenting, questioned whether others were questioning my parenting, it was horrible.

It did taper off at around 20 months and although there were incidents leading up to him turning two they were very few and far between and <touch wood> since he’s turned two I’ve had no reports of him hurting children at nursery. However, I do find that with me he can and will push other children to get at a toy or equipment. All I can do is watch him like a hawk and move him away if it looks like he’s going to push.

When I’ve searched on MN, there are very much two schools of thought: one who haven’t had children do this and are dismayed by it and do seem to think a telling off or firm No or the much loved on here Boundaries are the solution. All I can say is that they are ineffective here and while I don’t permit DS to hurt other children I’m also not going to do pointless things he doesn’t understand to make him feel a sense of shame or unhappiness. I say a firm no, we don’t push, or I know you want it, but we don’t push. He completely ignores this and would still shove the other child given half the chance!

I think it is a waiting game and I for one can’t wait for it to be over, but it is normal. Something I have noticed with DS is that he is quite tactile, he was cuddling a baby at a group last week which was very cute but then went to cuddle another girl who wasn’t as enamoured with his attention and so it nearly turned to a push (I ended up having to get under a parachute to ensure this!)

DH was apparently the same and is incredibly gentle, soft and chilled out now, and has been since about four! It’s a phase … and in the meantime

I don't think there's anything to stop it immediately just show each time that it's wrong that's all you can do! I do a sharp - we don't bite - and put my daughter down and go and do something else. Time outs haven't worked for either of my children they just see it as a game and extra attention!

Also agree that going for telling them what to do, rather than what not to do helps. We did a lot of "if you want to bite you can bite x y z (chewy toys etc)" and "we can hit cushions and pillows but not people" and endless gentle hands and would demonstrate by rubbing their face and getting them to show me gentle hands by rubbing my face, and when it was actually gentle then loads of praise. We also always followed through on consequences so "if you hit when you are playing with x toy then we will have to put it away" and then actually put it away and deal with the tantrum that would ensue. It took a while but did work!

I read somewhere that at that age the way their brain processes language, when you tell them something they process the action first so if you say "no biting" then the first thing they process is "biting" which I think is where the thought behind using positive language comes from!

We also did "time ins" the odd time if they needed to calm down, where he would have to sit with me on the couch/somewhere separate for two minutes- I'd set a short timer on my phone and we would watch it count down together. He actually quite enjoyed that one 😂

Gosh I'm really touched you've all taken the time to respond. Thank you all so so much. I should maybe have said a word or two on what we've tried in the op but was trying not to say too much and put people off reading it all!!
In very early days we ignored as I understood that to be age-appropriate (I e. don't react 'big' as they enjoy the reaction), then as he got older and started to understand more it became a short "no thank you" and moving away from him, we've tried modelling gentle hands, and we've landed on time outs because I felt like we'd had no luck with the other strategies and at least it means I get to cool off myself for a minute! Maybe I cycled through them too quick?! It's just been really difficult to know what to do because he's obviously a bright boy so I haven't been able to reconcile how he could still do this when it causes distress.
Some really useful advice and support here, thank you. I'm glad I posted ❤

I would say if he likes the big reaction start giving him a big reaction at times when he is playing gently/not hitting and biting. It's obviously a big hammy act but we used to make a big song and dance at random times during the day by just going up to him and saying oooohhhhh look at these gentle hands what a great job, and singing a stupid song or dancing him around, and doing it with his toys too, like oh the dinosaur wanted to bite so he bit his chewy toy because we don't bite people, what a great job dinosaur" etc etc.

I think often the bright ones push the boundaries even more because they figure out how to play you like a fiddle 😬 but they just aren't capable of being empathetic at two so he's not going to stop because of it causing distress, because it's not causing him distress