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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my kids off the street this summer due to rough element, exclusion& bad language?

32 replies

101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 16:57

We live in a large new build estate, the dc 9 & 11 have food friends they play with often but their not out... New kids have moved to the estate but after an initial period of playing together they started running off on the dd's.. One girl told her x is my bff so F off home!!!
Since then they've avoided this girl but the others in that group have started trying to exclude my younger child & get my older child to gang up with them.. It's got to the stage now where they play in the garden or with their original friends when they are out..
I was dreading the summer for this reason.. They do have playdates, do plenty of extracurriculars but I feel sad they can't play out when they feel like it due to that group... Aibu?
The main elements of the group I don't like are the bad language, excluding my younger dd & running off on both of them. Also the main ringleader makes a frowny snarl whenever she's sees either of my kids..! I've seen it myself!

OP posts:
doingitforyorkshire · 26/05/2023 17:13

I think your kids will be exposed to this at some point anyway unfortunately, I'd like to think it's just kids that act like this but I have found it goes through adulthood too. You can't control other people's poor behaviour but can control how you deal with it. I think this is where you start.

My kids are a bit older and both have experienced this to some extent in the past I have tried my best to teach them this, more successfully with my daughter than my son, but my view is learning how to deal with difficult people is essential anyway so the earlier the better to start and learn.

Original poster
101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 18:17

Thanks its just that's behaviour I don't want my daughters picking up & my older child had started to leave my younger one out which didn't sit right with me.
This group don't exactly play, screens & tik toks mainly, knock & run & my youngest said they were playing chicken with cars..

I just feel sad that mine can't play out anymore as this crew is always there...

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 26/05/2023 18:18

Can you not supervise them playing out?

Original poster
101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 18:32

They're 9 & 11 so I can't really but I do look out the window! I have called out the group of kids on their language before & also about excluding my youngest..

OP posts:
Tribblesarelovely · 26/05/2023 18:47

I was never allowed to ‘ play out ‘ when I was a kid, it just wasn’t a thing where I lived. Is it the norm now ?

Original poster
101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 18:50

In our estate it is, I know there's lots of benefits but not with this group unfortunately..

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 26/05/2023 18:51

Playing out always sounds a bit Lord of the Flies to me. DD never did, it's not compulsory and if you don't feel comfortable with it do other stuff instead.

Enzymeme · 26/05/2023 18:51

I don't think you can have it both ways - "don't play like that" AND "you must play with my youngest too".

If you don't like the older kids behaviour - don't let your kids play with them. But don't tell the other kids how to behave. Just tell yours to keep away from the others - can they not can play in the garden and in other local parks?

TrashyPanda · 26/05/2023 18:53

is there any reason why your older child always has to play with the younger one?

its the way of the world that older kids often don’t want to hang around with the younger ones.

windowsopen · 26/05/2023 18:56

I also spent my childhood in a place where playing out with other children wasn't a thing. We had playdates, played in our own garden, etc., instead.

I don't think it's unreasonable to try to keep your children away from bad influences, but it is true that they will eventually share space with children or teens that don't live up to your expectations.

However, it's only natural to want to delay that for was long as possible. Continuing to talk to them about why you don't allow certain behavior might help stop them from picking it up, but personally, I probably would try to limit time spent with children that I thought modelled poor behavior. Especially if they are bullies or otherwise unfriendly.

Original poster
101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 18:57

Enzymeme · 26/05/2023 18:51

I don't think you can have it both ways - "don't play like that" AND "you must play with my youngest too".

If you don't like the older kids behaviour - don't let your kids play with them. But don't tell the other kids how to behave. Just tell yours to keep away from the others - can they not can play in the garden and in other local parks?

They do, we have a nice garden & a park nearby where they go most days depending on activities.. To be honest I know they can play separately & they do but this group has a age span of 8 - 12 year olds, youngest is 9 so there is no reason to exclude her based on her age.

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 26/05/2023 19:00

A "rough element". I've not heard that expression for years 😁

OhmygodDont · 26/05/2023 19:01

Sadly I’d stick to keeping yours in and inviting their friends round.

Mine were not allowed out at the old house due to a certain families children basically running the area so to speak. The language was terrible and they would exclude you because queen bitchy bee decided she didn’t like you.

Original poster
101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 19:17

OhmygodDont · 26/05/2023 19:01

Sadly I’d stick to keeping yours in and inviting their friends round.

Mine were not allowed out at the old house due to a certain families children basically running the area so to speak. The language was terrible and they would exclude you because queen bitchy bee decided she didn’t like you.

This is the exact same situation here... Right now I'm down the layground with youngest & our next door neighbours kids. They get on very well but their parents no longer let them out either due to the language & knock & runs..
Eldest at hockey..
The gang called about an hour ago, youngest answered & they all choursed "can x come out (my eldest) youngest was crushed.. I came out & explained neither would be out as they are very busy.

OP posts:
SunnyFrost · 26/05/2023 19:21

I wouldn’t dream of letting my nine year old out playing in the streets without supervision. Even 11 I would be cautious. Even age aside, one mention of chicken with cars and they wouldn’t set foot out of the house with those kids.

Keep them busy with activities, outings and planned playdates and politely but firmly turn the kids away if they come knocking.

Original poster
101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 19:43

@SunnyFrost thank you, that was my gut alright. At the start I had been very nice & chatty but I've started getting firm & giving no explanations.. They only ask for older child too (even the ones younger than dc2) so I always make a point of saying "no the dc are busy or they're out" no further explanations given.

OP posts:
Equalitea · 26/05/2023 20:41

I was never a fan of this playing out thing when mine were younger.

I wouldn’t leave my 9/10/11 year old unsupervised in the house with their friends so why would I do it outside 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 20:49

I know.. It's a big thing in our estate, it's a new build lots of young families with tweens & younger.. Also very busy roads. Appreciate all the comments, I just wanted to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing.

OP posts:
FrostyFifi · 26/05/2023 20:54

OP out of interest are you in Scotland?

Original poster
101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 20:55

No I'm not, I'm in Northern Ireland x

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 26/05/2023 20:57

101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 18:17

Thanks its just that's behaviour I don't want my daughters picking up & my older child had started to leave my younger one out which didn't sit right with me.
This group don't exactly play, screens & tik toks mainly, knock & run & my youngest said they were playing chicken with cars..

I just feel sad that mine can't play out anymore as this crew is always there...

It’s a shame that bad parenting ruins things for the kids and other peoples kids too. Do you have a local community police officer that you could ask to have a word with the parents about the danger their kids are creating, and putting others in, by playing chicken with traffic.

FrostyFifi · 26/05/2023 21:08

No I'm not, I'm in Northern Ireland

Ah okay - really similar set-up on the newbuild estates here in Scotland with the kids playing out.

StarDolphins · 26/05/2023 21:10

I think it’s really important for kids to play out (I live on a cul de sac on a 25yr old small estate so my not think this if I didn’t). My nearly 7 year old can plays on a little community area opposite with her friend for 30 mins if they follow rules (& I keep spying secretly on them).

Why do they have to play with this rough group? They could still play out just the 2 of them if their other friends aren’t there.

Original poster
101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 21:12

FrostyFifi · 26/05/2023 21:08

No I'm not, I'm in Northern Ireland

Ah okay - really similar set-up on the newbuild estates here in Scotland with the kids playing out.

It's the same, also our estate isn't finished. It's huge! With new phases new families are arriving, this group are all made up of families that have arrived in the past 18 months.. The Queen Bee decided early on she didn't like my two & so they became easy targets so to speak..

OP posts:
Original poster
101cockerspaniels · 26/05/2023 22:32

StarDolphins · 26/05/2023 21:10

I think it’s really important for kids to play out (I live on a cul de sac on a 25yr old small estate so my not think this if I didn’t). My nearly 7 year old can plays on a little community area opposite with her friend for 30 mins if they follow rules (& I keep spying secretly on them).

Why do they have to play with this rough group? They could still play out just the 2 of them if their other friends aren’t there.

When they go out with just themselves or the nearby neighbours they feel intimidated by the group staring at them & the leader making a face.. They make a point of shouting hi x, hi y, hi t & completely ignoring dc2..

OP posts: