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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Father visitation

20 replies

greenhouselight · 26/05/2023 11:18

Helllo everyone,

NC.

I have a daughter who is 13 who has not seen his father for 3 years due to his last physical altercation he had with myself. DD's father got back in contact with DD via a solicitor. We made an agreement that he would have telephone contact with DD and have supervised visits initially. Supervised visits are pending atm.

DD's father still has not changed. He came to her secondary school (making a scene) because he knew that I will be there for her parents evening. This was because I refused to speak to him and hence he wanted to talk to me. Teachers had to intervene. It was embarrassing for DD.

Her father has been refusing to now do supervised visits. He calls me every weekend (or on my days off) harassing me that wants to see DD and that I'm stopping him. I tell him that I'm not but he has to do supervised visits. When I refuse to change my mind. He starts threatening me "I'm going to FUCK you up today! Watch! I'm going to show up at DD's school again and make a scene so that I have no choice but to do supervised visits".

The reason why I'm putting my foot down and only requesting supervised visits is because in the past where he saw DD freely. He used this as a reason to control me, coming to our home unannounced, shouting, screaming (if we ever had an argument) and then a physical altercation will occur where he would hit me. I want to out a stop to that and have supervised contact to stop the above from happening.

Also, I'm worried as DD goes to school- home by herself, her father would use this as an opportunity to see her. Even when he calls DD, he feels her mind with rubbish. Last week he told her that "Mum is an evil person". DD relayed this to me and even said (when she was upset with me) that "I'm an evil person- dad said something!

I just don't know what to do. Am I doing the right thing by enforcing supervised access?

OP posts:

Floppyelf · 26/05/2023 11:19

Report him to the police.

LadyDanburysHat · 26/05/2023 11:20

Firstly, block his phone number. Give him an email address only.

Secondly, definitely not the wrong thing at all. In fact I would tell him you have offered supervised contact, if he doesn't like it he can take you to court.

WilkinsonM · 26/05/2023 11:21

I hope you've reported all this to the police? You need a non molestation order. You and DD need to change your numbers and block him. Only communicate through a dedicated email address if you have to at all.

kweeble · 26/05/2023 11:22

I think you should log this with the police and discuss cutting contact with your daughter - does she really want this man in her life?

Original poster

greenhouselight · 26/05/2023 11:22

Yes he has an indefinite non molestation order.

I'm worried that he would hurt me if I don't pick up my phone to him.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 26/05/2023 11:26

He's emotionally abusing your daughter and you are allowing this. Block him and report him to the police. Are you not capable of safeguarding the pair of you?

Readyforspringtime · 26/05/2023 11:26

Keep all contact and arrangements through court ordered supervised visits. Explain to the school. Report every abusive incident to the police. I'm sorry you're going through this.

ChildcarePanic · 26/05/2023 11:27

I would advise this, in this order:

do not engage with him.
Contact women's aid and talk through the abuse with them. This will give you some clarity and hopefully help you unpick everything.
gather any evidence you have of abuse and put together a time line of absolutely everything.
Report to police and get a reference number. Tell them about the threats and controlling behaviours. Ask then for safety advice.
Contact the National Centre for domestic violence and ask them to help you file a non molestation order (they do not charge for this).

I would do all of these things this week as your case sounds like it could be high risk with potential for escalation. Sorry you are going through this OP.

Original poster

greenhouselight · 26/05/2023 11:28

kweeble · 26/05/2023 11:22

I think you should log this with the police and discuss cutting contact with your daughter - does she really want this man in her life?

She's very fond of him and wants to continue speaking to him.

OP posts:

ChildcarePanic · 26/05/2023 11:29

Cross posted and seen there is a non mol in place. Kindly OP, non molestation orders only work when the abuse is reported, otherwise it is essentially just a piece of paper filed away never to be though about again. Please call the police and report the breach. Do this every single time.

ChildcarePanic · 26/05/2023 11:31

Ponoka7 · 26/05/2023 11:26

He's emotionally abusing your daughter and you are allowing this. Block him and report him to the police. Are you not capable of safeguarding the pair of you?

Horribly insensitive comment. The dynamics of am domestic abuse are not that simple. The OP is acting in a way where she feels she is safeguarding her child, as she knows that if she grey rocks him he could harm her. She has just stated this. She is in flight mode and is doing what she feels is best to manage the situation. This is why she needs advice and help from services such as women's aid and the police who can help her to safeguard her child in a way which is appropriate and isn't going to put either of them at first risk of harm.

DrDavidStarKey · 26/05/2023 11:33

I agree with the PP that said to only communicate via email and to contact the police at every single breach.

WilkinsonM · 26/05/2023 11:34

You must report the breaches!

LadyDanburysHat · 26/05/2023 14:14

If there is a non mol order you need to block him on your DDs phone and report the breaches.

x2boys · 26/05/2023 14:50

greenhouselight · 26/05/2023 11:28

She's very fond of him and wants to continue speaking to him.

Show quote history

Well.she's 13 if you try and stop.her from seeing him she might rebel.against it at her age she can decide for herself

billy1966 · 26/05/2023 14:53

This should definitely be a police matter.

Your daughter can't see the danger he is.

Contact the police.

Inform them of the threats to your life.

Tell them about the school altercation.

Block his number.

Email only.

billy1966 · 26/05/2023 14:55

I wouldn't trust him not to harm her to hurt you.

Report every breech.

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 19:14

It was embarrassing for DD.

huge huge understatement

your poor DD enduring this

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 19:16

Soon enough op

he will surely just contact her directly

if not already

Babsexxx · 23/07/2023 19:52

sounds just like my ex! It’s disgusting I was made to jump through hoops for social services as I was the main carer of the kids leaving the entire awful situation which I think is extremely cheeky they do not do anywhere near enough with these “men”.

I had it ALL until I got with my now dh funny that wouldn’t try a thing now reported him for constantly harassing and threatening me breaking into my own flat scaring my then 5 yo insisting she show him our new address! Then surprise surprise I was left dealing with social services again after they insisted he still had contact!

I really feel for you op all you can do is keep calling the police but I know just how you feel and it’s absolutely terrifying! He’s a absolute coward!

He should be given a restraining order! Stop him even entering the area!

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