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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex shouting screaming at me

24 replies

Banana1979 · 26/05/2023 10:48

My child’s dad has called me screaming and shouting at me because someone who knows, him apparently saw me pick up my daughter from school with a man this is completely untrue. I only pick her up on my own so somebody has lied to him. He has called me this morning, screaming abuse at me threatening to take her off me really shaken me up this has
when was with him he was really physically abusive to me , and absolutely nasty to me. I did everything what everyone has said and got rid of him but I’m still not rid of him am I ???
he is calling me screaming and shouting down the phone at me about this imaginary man he has said that I’m not allowed a man near my child or in my house or else
I am reluctant to call the police because last time this happened they got social services involved. All they said was is that he has to see her via a third-party then they close the case because he doesn’t live with me anymore,
I didn’t eat for a month and ended up in hospital with anxiety because of it and I withdrew my complaint because it was all making me so sick.anxious guilty about stopping him from seeing her
. I do have a new partner. I am terrified of walking outside with him I’m constantly looking over my shoulder, his friends and family live near me I can’t move because I’m in social housing and they keep reporting back what I am doing . One of them took a photo of me when I was walking with my daughter and my partner and he was screaming and shouting at me down the phone then he sent me lots of abusive messages because this was over six months ago I can’t report these

now he just called me and screams and shouts at me. He has stop sending me texts because he knows they can’t be screenshot and reported
i’m torn between banning him from my daughter and stopping a relationship between father and child, which I don’t want to do and having to endure this fucking abuse I am in tears. I haven’t been up to go into work today and I’m absolutely fed up with my life and I’m so fed up I’m just crying I don’t know what to do to calling me and abusing me and I can’t even tell my friends and family because theyve had enough of this too this the only place I can come I’m sorry I’m ranting
He has just put child maintenance in my account I don’t understand him

OP posts:
MrsK89 · 26/05/2023 13:53

I would go back to the police or contact a family solicitor even if thr messages are over 6 months ago you can still mention these and the fact he's calling you with abuse.
Sounds like a horrible man and sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully you can get an order to stop him from contacting you and he can meet your child at a safe place.
Do speak to your family, maybe someone can come with you to the station

EllandRd · 26/05/2023 13:58

Block him and only email about your child. If he threatens you again ring the Police.

HeckyPeck · 26/05/2023 13:59

I agree with PP about a solicitor. I'd also stop answering the phone when he calls in the meantime. He can text or email anything he needs to say.

Have you looked at a mutual exchange for housing?

Watchkeys · 26/05/2023 14:00

Do you think that your daughter seeing her father means that you have to endure his abuse? It doesn't.

Does he leave abusive messages? These can be played to the Police. If not, just don't pick up. All communication by text.

Shadowworry · 26/05/2023 14:02

I would log it in with the police - warn him at the start that you are recording the call - terminate it politely if he starts shouting

IncompleteSenten · 26/05/2023 14:03

Record his phone calls.
And you can move if you are in social housing. You can get an exchange or a transfer. Especially if you have a violent ex who is threatening you. People in your situation have been helped to move out of the area.

You have to decide what you need most. To stay in the area or to be away from people reporting back to him.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 26/05/2023 14:03

This sounds horrible, I am so sorry.

Can you get call screening where someone has to give their name and you can decide whether to take the call or not? At least you could avoid having to listen to him. Block him for text and social media and open a new email address that only he and his family have so you can choose when to read those messages.

Keep copies of all text and email messages and see if you can record phone calls so that you have something you can easily hand over to the police or social services if he becomes threatening.

EvilElsa · 26/05/2023 14:07

Agree with the police -he has a history of domestic violence and now threatens you with it.
Also would look into moving as far away as possible. As mentioned above have you looked into mutual exchange?

Zarataralara · 26/05/2023 14:12

IncompleteSenten · 26/05/2023 14:03

Record his phone calls.
And you can move if you are in social housing. You can get an exchange or a transfer. Especially if you have a violent ex who is threatening you. People in your situation have been helped to move out of the area.

You have to decide what you need most. To stay in the area or to be away from people reporting back to him.

This.
put your phone on speaker and record on another phone or tablet.
Let him scream and rant all he wants. Then take it to the police.
He’s your ex for a very good reason and you shouldn’t, and can’t, live your life in secrecy and fear because of him.

tolerable · 26/05/2023 14:36

speak to womens aid-immediately

MrMucker · 26/05/2023 14:41

He has put Child Maintenance in your account because he knows what he's doing to harass you, he knows the effect he has having on you and he knows you could try to hold him to account.
So he does not want you to be able to say he's not paying Child Maintenance, he thinks that will gain him credibility and leverage if you try and get him in trouble for anything.

That's what an abusive bully does-tries to put a halo on himself in completely irrelevant ways.
He's very scheming. Eeew.

mainsfed · 26/05/2023 14:53

Don’t answer his calls.

He texts or emails, never speak to him.

And yes, report to police, it’s harassment.

billy1966 · 26/05/2023 14:56

mainsfed · 26/05/2023 14:53

Don’t answer his calls.

He texts or emails, never speak to him.

And yes, report to police, it’s harassment.

You have to do this.

Stop allowing him access to you.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 26/05/2023 15:00

Another poster has put this on another similar thread and I think it’s perfect guidance for you also OP.

“”I would advise this, in this order:

  • do not engage with him.
  • Contact women's aid and talk through the abuse with them. This will give you some clarity and hopefully help you unpick everything.
  • gather any evidence you have of abuse and put together a time line of absolutely everything.
  • Report to police and get a reference number. Tell them about the threats and controlling behaviours. Ask then for safety advice.
  • Contact the National Centre for domestic violence and ask them to help you file a non molestation order (they do not charge for this).

I would do all of these things this week as your case sounds like it could be high risk with potential for escalation. Sorry you are going through this OP.””

Id also send him an email address (specifically set up just for him) saying from this point forward, your only way of communication is THIS email address and block his number.

GabriellaMontez · 26/05/2023 15:48

Only communicate by text or email.

He's a lunatic. I wouldnt want him anywhere near my daughter. Report him to the police.

Original poster
Banana1979 · 27/05/2023 08:18

Zarataralara · 26/05/2023 14:12

This.
put your phone on speaker and record on another phone or tablet.
Let him scream and rant all he wants. Then take it to the police.
He’s your ex for a very good reason and you shouldn’t, and can’t, live your life in secrecy and fear because of him.

Show quote history

Yes I will do. Thank you so much. I didn’t think of this. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to anybody. I was just too upset yesterday and I’ve only just logged back on
for all the advice, I will open an email address and speak to 101 to see more options I have

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 27/05/2023 08:26

Don't speak to him. Give him an email address to communicate with. That's what I did with my ex. You don't have to put up with this.

CannotDoThisAnymore · 27/05/2023 08:29

Log it all including previous with as much detail as possible. You cannot live like this

Saucemonkey · 27/05/2023 08:30

Log everything with police and gather evidence for a non molestation order. You have a right to move on. He is still trying to bully you, you have to stand firm and end this. Give him an email address to
contact you and the Block him on your phone. Everything needs to be in writing now . Contact can continue through a third party, but all arrangements must be by email.

PonyPatter44 · 27/05/2023 08:36

It is wrong that he behaveslike this towards you. You are an adult woman, you are a good and caring mother to your daughter, you are your own person. He does not have any sort of right to treat you like this.

Find your anger, find your strength. You had enough strength to get away from him once before (well done you!). You can block him, or just hang up on him every single time he starts with the screaming and shouting. He doesn't have ANY rights over you.

kirsty2023 · 27/05/2023 08:38

Have u got an iPhone if so u can record his calls and then give them to the police if u don't want to talk to him just don't answer him block him

Hankunamatata · 27/05/2023 09:50

Block him. Give him an email address he can use to arrange contact with dd.

bluebeck · 27/05/2023 10:00

Hankunamatata · 27/05/2023 09:50

Block him. Give him an email address he can use to arrange contact with dd.

Yes I would just block him. He sounds unhinged.

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