to believe my friend is in an abusive relationship?

[ArtemisW]

Hi all,
New member here, please be gentle with me. I have a friend I’m increasingly worried about and I’d be really grateful for any advice or input from you. I’m reaching a point where I feel unable to continue to pretend that this stuff is “normal.” My friend is on her 3rd marriage and her first two husbands abused her. I don’t know the details but think they were physically abusive. She is massively into the 50:50 lifestyle and she has low self-esteem. Her current husband (#3) is in his late 30s but he had never had a girlfriend or even been out on a date EVER before getting with my friend. He refuses to do any form of work, despite being educated to post-grad level, and he just sits at home while my friend works super long hours and has to give him spending money and pay ALL the bills. Her husband says he is too “emotionally-sensitive” to work and that he wants to focus on “curating his wardrobe” and pursuing his hobbies.

Her husband has an intense fear of Covid and this has resulted in him banning my friend from entering ANY building unless she is wearing a special industrial-strength mask. She is not allowed to go into a coffee shop or restaurant to meet a friend or for a business-client meeting. She is not even allowed to go into her work office (fortunately for him her employer allows her to work totally from home). Her husband doesn’t “allow” her to use trains unless it’s 100% essential as he doesn’t want her to be in close proximity to other people.

I am scheduled to meet my friend for brunch today. I asked her how she will eat brunch with a mask on and she’s said that her husband has given her permission to enter a restaurant or cafe today as long as she keeps the mask on from the second she enters the restaurant until she’s back outside, and that she’s happy to just sit there with her mask on and not order anything, while I eat.

I’ve reached my limit at being able to pretend that any of this is really normal or healthy.

Thoughts?

@CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt You are right; she needs to see this for herself. I need to navigate letting her know that I'm there for her without openly criticising her husband's scary behaviour because that would just alienate her.

@philautia Thanks for this advice. Yes, I just can't bear to continue pretending that his behaviour is acceptable or "normal." I feel that in not commenting on any of it I am kind of enabling the insanity.

@tattygrl You're right. I have to accept that she is a fully grown woman and that nobody else has the right to tell her what to do or what she should or should not tolerate in a relationship.

That "he makes the rules" thing seriously made me shudder when she told me.

I've been there with the abuse.

Now I'm out of it I wonder wtf I was thinking, but when I was in it my husband had given me a long list of reasons and excuses and his abuse was normal to me.

If anyone mentioned anything I would have defended him because I knew all the reasons and nobody else understood etc.

I lost everyone along the way, so it was a million times harder to leave.

If you just give her resources to seek help if she needs it, and let her know that you're always there, that will do a million times more than openly criticising him and their relationship. Not easy for you, I know, but it will be the most effective way to let her know you're concerned without giving her criticism to push back against.

The mind boggles. The poor woman must've had a terrible childhood.

I'd have to say something to her personally.

Curating his wardrobe? What does that even mean??

@Tidsleytiddy You'd have to ask him
He seems to be absolutely taking the piss!!!!

Massive piss take all round I’d say. Why the hell is she going along with this?! He’s laughing behind her back! She must be very vulnerable to be allowing herself to be treated in this way. Jeez. I’ve heard some stories but this…

The “special mask”! I’d shove it up his arse

It's very sad, if it was my friend I'd feel like I'd have to say something but if she gets defensive or can't see the truth it's very hard. Im not a fan of confrontation so i think I'd make up a story to get her opinion. Something that mirrors her relationship, like - ask how so and so is doing, oh, I have been meaning to get your advice, my cousin has just got a new boyfriend and there's some stuff happening that's she's not too happy about , he's a bit like your boyfriend, what do you think she should do about it? And then you could bring her relationship into it and see how it goes like that? Say you'd do anything to help her get away from it because it's not normal.
Maybe it would sink in?

Why do you even have to ask - you know this is abusive and controlling behaviour. The trick is getting your friend to see how abnormal it all is and then leave him.

Been there, both as the person in the abusive relationship and as the worried friend looking on.
Outside intervention did work for me, but it was from my then boss, not a friend ( he had made it difficult for me to see friends).
When I saw the signs with my friend years later I just gave her information on Available help and would gently point out the absolutely ridiculous shit her partner was pulling, IE selling the brand new pram her mum had bought for their 6 week old and using the money to buy alloys for his penis extension type car.

She needs to go to counselling.

And he needs to do one. What a cocklodger.

Does he actually have extreme views on covid or is this a convenient excuse to control her? The reason I wonder is someone who feels this way presumably doesn't go anywhere or mis with other people either, so why would it matter what clothes he wears "curated wardrobe" - surely no-one ever see him!? Or do they..?

This is coercive control and against the law. You could frame it that way.

Also what would happen if she didn't stick to his rules? Maybe ask her that?

Men like this give me the rage. I'm so sorry your friend is being abused again.

I think you need to call it out, but gently. Just get her to look at the people in the restaurant- no one is wearing a mask and not eating. Be supportive, but call his behaviour out.

how old is she? I’m asking because her H is late 30’s. If she’s the same then 2 marriages is already something. She’s maybe too embarrassed to leave? Or if she’s older, maybe feels like he’s a catch 🤷‍♀️

@teabycandlelight She is 37. I think her husband is 38 or possibly 39.

The fact that he had NEVER had a girlfriend or even been on a date up until he married her in his mid-to-late 30s seems quite telling too?

I'm genuinely stuck as to what to do. If I am my honest, authentic self I'd have to say his behaviour is absurd and that would totally alienate her.

@jeaux90 This is SUCH a good question. If she had normal social interactions with her friends and then went home to hubby and said, "I hung out in a restaurant without wearing a mask at all!" what would he do exactly???

teabycandlelight the thing about being embarrassed to leave was something that occurred to me. Particularly as OP says, friend seems to see him as wonderful because he doesn't hit her.

Did you catch up with your friend OP?