Am I being tight? School leavers events

[AuroraBoreanaz]

I usually read rather than post but I need a reality check as to whether I’m just an unreasonable tightwad or not 😂 I’ve tried to change some details so it’s not too outing…

My DC goes to a private prep school and is in their final year there. The fees have been a stretch for us financially, as I’m sure they have for others, in recent times. Anyway, it’s coming to the end and we’ve had an email from a couple of other parents who are organising all sorts of leavers events. This all sounds lovely and I’m sure DC will enjoy it, but I am concerned about the mounting costs. There is a party at one of the parents’ houses… with music and a catering van, cost to us tbc. There is a leavers’ gift to the school, suggested donation £50. Sports day - there is a special area for the leavers and families and instead of the picnic I was expecting it’s catered to an extent (a payment is required) and you will be told what else to bring like sides etc, and drinks aren’t included either. And then there is a commemorative leavers’ item, also to be paid for. This is all parent-led and opt-out rather than opt-in, so it’s not even as though a private conversation could be had with the school if affordability was an issue. I also don’t want DC to feel left out. AIBU to think this is excessive or am I just being a tightwad?

Can you have a chat with your DD and see what she values most and do that and skip the other things?

If it were a state school, I would be outraged by those costs. However, you have chosen to have your daughter mix with those who have lots of money, so I would have thought that this kind of thing is to be expected. I get that you want the best for your daughter but if you are struggling to pay the fees, there's probably always going to be situations where she feels (and you feel) that you are 'lesser than' the other kids/parents because you can't afford the things that they can.

And I speak from experience by the way, having attended a grammar school where I was very obviously one of the 'poor kids' - I remember telling my mum that I didn't want to go on the ski trip or learn a musical instrument because I knew we could never have afforded it. In reality I really, really wanted to. I don't regret having gone to school there at all, but I'm just saying you probably need to buckle up for having to pay for a lot of extra stuff.

Why cannot folk stop and think for moment about the impact financial requests like this can have? I feel bad for you no you are not being unreasonable and I am sure a few of the other parents have had similar thoughts. No idea what you can do though its such a tricky one. Good luck.

The catering van at the party sounds ridiculous, as does the sports day thing.
But imagine your child won't want to miss the party.
Opting out of the gift shouldn't be so hard, in that I'm sure you can deal with looking tight and it doesn't affect your child so much (unless they are real dicks about it).

There will be other parents that are in same boat.

work out what benefits your child. £50 leaving gift to the school seems excessive. Though private school teachers can get absolutely shafted with pay and conditions so maybe they rely on it.

can you speak privately to the main organiser and ask them to tone it down. Or get involved with planning the events and rein them in!

I never give anything to our school for their own coffers…. The fees are high enough. But these sort of activities are par for the course. I’d just pay it - surely it’s at the absolute maximum, it’s only about a weeks worth of fees?

Talk to your child. Offer them the options, discuss and choose one (or two depending on cost). Organise a low cost activity yourself and offer it around. I bet you'll get your hand bitten off

Leavers costs for my kids (both attending state schools) this year are as follows:

DS11
For leavers party 2nd hand vinted suit £13.99
For leavers party 2nd hand vinted shoes £6
Leavers party organised by parents £35
Gift for teacher £10

DD16
Prom dress and alterations £200 (school finance the prom itself in its entirety)
Leavers hoody £21
Yearbook £25
Gifts for teachers £150, working out at 15 quid per teacher (I wouldn't normally dream of spending this sort of money, BUT I've never even got so much as a Christmas card for them and they have worked SO hard to help DD, so want to get all her GCSE teachers a decentish gift)

'Why cannot folk stop and think for moment about the impact financial requests like this can have?'

Presumably they assume that someone paying private school fees can afford £50 for a 'school present' whatever the fuck that is, and some sandwiches at a picnic??

In your position I'd contribute, why have your child left out for the sake of a few quid when you've spent 10's of thousands in fees and extras? Seems unnecessarily tight.

You CHOSE a to put your daughter into a lifestyle that you couldn't really easily afford in order to buy her privilege & now you want to make her the poor relation amongst her peers.

What the hell is wrong with you.

Oh and I think YADBU.

The entire cost of DD leaving her state primary is £15 for the optional hoody, £5 towards the school musical production ( optional) for costumes, and everything else - the trip to the beach, the leavers picnic, the sports events, the leavers disco, the trip to the theatre is costing parents the cost of a packed lunch.

We'll do our end of year leavers picnic in the local park as always - but no-one will be hiring caterers or entertainment, and the kids seem to love it anyway.

Is she going to a private senior school too? If so you are in for a SHOCK when it comes to the kind of extras you'll be expected to pay, or that your DD will want.
Mate sent her DD to an exclusive school, 50% off on a scholarship, but she's still forking out £20k in fees and extras, and now moaning that DD wants a new MAC like the other girls, Airpod pros like the other girls, Air Jordan's like the other girls, ski-ing holidays like the ... and on and on.

I forgot to add £60 total for two leavers trips for DS11.

He's also getting a leavers hoody but the PTA shell out for those for everyone.

Yep. I'd be totally on your side if this was a normal school but you've chosen to buy into an expensive lifestyle so surely this just goes with the territory.

I cannot believe that another parent is hosting a party at her house and is asking for a financial contribution. That is plain wrong. If you host, you pay.

Do not feel obliged to give £50 suggested donation (an excessive amount) for the school gift. I often organize these things, some people give £0, some a fiver. It doesn’t matter.

My thoughts exactly. Gonna talk the talk, you’ve got to walk the walk

As seen on this thread, there is an expectation (rightly or wrongly, you can decide for yourself) that if you have the money for fees then a few extra hundred quid here and there is affordable. If you were a CP in a deprived area, I could understand the uproar. But this is the territory you have bought into unfortunately.

Genuinely baffled by this post in the first place - don’t opt in to that lifestyle if you can’t afford it then come onto MN to complain!

The present to the school at £50 per family sounds excessive, but all of this is just part of the deal at private schools. Parents choosing private school need to be aware that the expected costs far exceed the fees for various reasons and it’s part of what they sign up to.