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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend really wants me be religious

14 replies

Thedropout456 · 26/05/2023 06:54

I was baptised as a child, I never regularly attended church growing up, nor did my family. I have started to attend occasionally with a friend as there's one across the road from my house which is very contemporary, and I like their approach. I also want to be part of a community and looking to meet new people.
I attend about once per month, and I really like the messages they are portraying to us, they help with my self belief.
However I think that is as far as it goes for me. My friend is a very important part of a different church, she attends a few times per week, has Bible classes, and it makes up a very large part of her life which is fantastic.
I like to think that people are welcome to take what they wish from the church and attend as they wish. My friend frequently sends me religious music, gives me books on Christianity to read without asking, sends me chapters from the Bible, and so on.
I do appreciate her generosity. However I think she is trying to get me to be more committed and for it to take more of an active role in my life and that isn't what I want at the minute.
I have just woken up to more worship songs from her. I don't know how to respond or what to say, I don't want to seem rude or ungrateful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thedropout456 · 26/05/2023 06:55

Part of me feels like a fraud for even attending the church in the first place to be honest

OP posts:

gardendream · 26/05/2023 06:58

Just tell her how you experience that. She’s probably worried for your eternal salvation or something, but for you it feels ??? oppressive, controlling, a drag ??? So it’s a mismatch of values.

You’re going to need to ask her how you’d rather be treated - e.g. that you agree to not discuss religion between you? Or that you’re happy to hear about her life but you’d like her to accept you have different views and your faith or lack of isn’t up for discussion? Have a think about what you’d like your friendship to be like.

If you keep it all about you - ‘I prefer…’, ‘I feel…’ it would be difficult for her to take offence.

Doingmybest12 · 26/05/2023 07:02

Can you just say , thanks but you want to explore this at your own pace and you are finding this a bit off putting and overwhelming.

Original poster

Thedropout456 · 26/05/2023 07:07

I do need to be assertive, you're right. I just need to find that courage.
I am not an atheist and I do live by some Christian values but unfortunately at present it's not something that I want to dedicate my life to in the same way.
I am open to some beliefs and I enjoy the serenity and sense of community i get from attending

OP posts:

Damnloginpopup · 26/05/2023 07:12

Erect a cross in your garden and ask her if she fancies a go on it. If she doesn't jump at the chance you can explain that we all have differing levels of commitment...

ittakes2 · 26/05/2023 07:24

I think you could be reading too much into this.
My friend and I are both gluten free and my friend is also diary free (not by choice)
I know she likes cooking so I send her gluten and diary free recipes I find. She doesn't send me recipes (prob because I am a lazy cook)
If I see something different which is gluten and diary free I often buy it and give it to her - she is always grateful.
My friend doesn't have to make every recipe I send. She occasionally thanks me but never really mentions anything but has also not asked me to stop.

Religion in your friend's gluten and diary free - you are attending church so she prob thinks you are interested in recipes.
Your friend does not know you are mostly interested in the community / self development (sorry if I got that bit wrong) - that's all in your head about what you want to get out of this experience.

Your choice is to a) tell her and ask her to stop b) just thank her when she sends or c) just take it with a pinch of salt and don't say anything and she might get the hint. But I don't think she is wrong in assuming you might be interested in these things. But you are not and so you have a decision to make.

bibbityboppityboo · 26/05/2023 07:29

I perhaps think she won't realise how it's coming across? If it's such a huge part of her life, it sounds to me like she's possibly just really excited to have someone (who is a friend already) share the same interest, and she's enjoying sharing her love for the subject with someone else?

It would possibly be the best route just to tell her you're still finding your feet and although you're enjoying your current levels of going to church - she probably has no idea you're not interested in it in the same way as she is (or at least it seems like you're not from the OP). I'd either ignore messages, just say thanks or have a conversation explaining your stance to her.

CantFindTheBeat · 26/05/2023 08:06

Hmmm. Tricky. Personally, if your friend is that level of religious, I think you are probably mismatched. That's quite deep from her. I wonder if she want to save you?

I guess you could at least try to limit it,
If you want to try and lessen the messages, and/or set out your stall, how about a message or conversation such as:

Dear Friend,

Thank you so much for this (piece of music). I can tell it means a lot to you.

I am glad I started visiting (my church) and I'm really enjoying the community and warm welcome.

They are fairly light touch on the religious aspects, which really suits me! I'm not sure I'll ever have your deep belief but I can see why you value it.

Thanks again for sharing the pieces and messages. They aren't quite my thing but I appreciate you thinking of me.

Sapphire387 · 26/05/2023 08:09

I think you are projecting, possibly. She probably just thinks you are more religious than you are, rather than her wanting you to be.

Enko · 26/05/2023 08:22

CantFindTheBeat · 26/05/2023 08:06

Hmmm. Tricky. Personally, if your friend is that level of religious, I think you are probably mismatched. That's quite deep from her. I wonder if she want to save you?

I guess you could at least try to limit it,
If you want to try and lessen the messages, and/or set out your stall, how about a message or conversation such as:

Dear Friend,

Thank you so much for this (piece of music). I can tell it means a lot to you.

I am glad I started visiting (my church) and I'm really enjoying the community and warm welcome.

They are fairly light touch on the religious aspects, which really suits me! I'm not sure I'll ever have your deep belief but I can see why you value it.

Thanks again for sharing the pieces and messages. They aren't quite my thing but I appreciate you thinking of me.

That's a really nice message.

Enko · 26/05/2023 08:23

CantFindTheBeat · 26/05/2023 08:06

Hmmm. Tricky. Personally, if your friend is that level of religious, I think you are probably mismatched. That's quite deep from her. I wonder if she want to save you?

I guess you could at least try to limit it,
If you want to try and lessen the messages, and/or set out your stall, how about a message or conversation such as:

Dear Friend,

Thank you so much for this (piece of music). I can tell it means a lot to you.

I am glad I started visiting (my church) and I'm really enjoying the community and warm welcome.

They are fairly light touch on the religious aspects, which really suits me! I'm not sure I'll ever have your deep belief but I can see why you value it.

Thanks again for sharing the pieces and messages. They aren't quite my thing but I appreciate you thinking of me.

That's a really nice message.

Eyesopenwideawake · 26/05/2023 08:26

I am not an atheist and I do live by some Christian values but unfortunately at present it's not something that I want to dedicate my life to in the same way.

This is a perfect response. I would just add words to the effect "So I would appreciate you respecting my views, please do not send any more religion related emails. Many thanks."

Tessisme · 26/05/2023 08:32

I am less understanding than others about this kind of blatant evangelising. I have a SIL who sends Bible verses, sermons, links to Christian websites. She sends fewer to me because I have made it clear they are of no interest to me, but occasionally she can't help herself. DP receives loads because he doesn't want to offend her. It was never my intention to offend her either.

If these things are annoying you to the point that you can't ignore them, it might be best to make it clear that you're finding your own way at your own pace. If she tries to give you a book that you don't want, decline and say you haven't time to read it or that you have your own reading list. She sees you putting your foot across the threshold of religion and wants to haul you in. Even if it's coming from a good place, it is intrusive. You're happy with your level of involvement as it stands and she needs to respect that.

thekindlyone · 26/05/2023 14:12

Tell her to please stop sending you this stuff.

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