To start a new life

[Starfruity]

I've decided I need to uproot and start a new life. I need some words of encouragement and some help to make the decision.

I'm 35. Stuck living in a cul de sac in the middle of nowhere. I'm so bored, I go nowhere except for out on my bike or for runs. DP is a lovely man, we get on so well and I love him, but we want different things. He's happy to watch Star Trek all weekend, I need to be out living life. He doesn't want to travel or do anything really. I can't remember the last time we went out together.

I have no real friends other thsn DP (I'm in touch with a few old friends who are preoccupied with young families, I never see them). I'm very bad at making new friends - I'm socially anxious and very private. Potentially autistic? I'm a bit scared of going it alone now, potentially forever.

Also I don't earn a lot of money and to be honest I'm mainly worried my situation won't improve if I leave. In fact it will be worse. Looks like I'll be living in a house share and still equally unable to afford to do much. Any advice welcome.

You aren't being unreasonable at all, to want more of life, but leaving and launching yourself into the unknown can be pretty scary.

Can you not improve things where you are while you save for a flat deposit? Get in some practice first. Move job to somewhere more buzzy and perhaps a little better paid. Join a running or cycling club and find some new friends that way, so you have more of a support network.

Go and see some of your old friends. Have a city break or two, drag them out for a drink. If they are stuck at home with babies, they may be delighted at the excuse to leave baby with their dp and have a night off.

I left my ex but I had enough to rent a flat, had 2yo ds with me, and was starting a new job so I had a lot going on.

Either way, well done for taking the decision. 😊Good luck.

Well it does sound boring so I don’t blame you

do you own the house? So would have some money from selling it

if you have no ties do it

You sound like you love DP.

He sounds happy.

Can you not start doing the things you want to do where you are? Go travelling - if DP dosen't want to go then go by yourself. If transport is an issue get your own vehicle. Start a new hobby. Go places at the weekend and see how you go.

I wouldn't leace a harmonious living situation to move into a flat share.

I can’t but help think that if you want to make life more interesting, think of what would make it more interesting in your current situation and start doing that. By your own admission you find it hard to make friends and are in a low-paid job. Dramatically changing your life, going into a flat share while on a lower income will send your stress levels through the roof and won’t necessarily provide a more dynamic interesting life (“dynamic” and “interesting” usually cost money). You are likely to just swap being bored for being lonely with a lot of added financial pressure. It’s not going to be Instagramable high life. Meanwhile there have to be some activities that you are even vaguely interested in that you can pursue locally—a sport, a hobby, evening classes in something. Change is best undertaken step by step.

Yanbu if you have no ties children etc then you don’t need loads of money to go travelling, but I would try and save as a safety net for yourself as it seems the only thing between you and this dream are finances! Good luck

It sounds like you rely on your DP to do things. Is there a reason why you don't go and do things alone? What's stopping you from saving up to go to the cinema, for a meal out of travelling alone?

I agree with others. I'd work on improving things where you are now. If you don't go out now, you won't go out while you're even more skint TBH.

I agree that you don't need to leave a DP you like to jazz up your own life. Start saving to go back-packing or inter-railing without him. Start taking weekend breaks in new places- if you book ahead Premier Inns are still pretty reasonable.

Do you drive? If not, maybe saving up to learn and get a car would be the first step to more freedom.

I think you need to have an honest and frank conversation with him. You never know, what he does after that might surprise you.
I get the whole boredom thing. I led an exciting life and then settled down and had kids in my 30s. I sometimes want to scream with the everyday routines. But when I'm feeling bored or have itchy feet, I arrange for DH and I to do something together (usually a date night), try a new hobby, a new challenge (sign up to a run that pushes me a bit), or have a think about how I can get a promotion.
Some people in life are really happy ticking along but if you're like me and crave new things, you have to keep changing things up a bit without using a grenade.

Honestly I think we all feel like this at time. I'm fighting it off now.

Would I leave and end up in a house share? Realistically, no way! Think about how annoying other people are.

Try to improve things where you are?

There’s a company that keeps popping up on TikTok that does holidays for women only. All ages and marital status, and women wanting to holiday alone for various reasons. Looks like they have fun.

You sound like you are running away from your problems rather than facing them and fixing them.

Book a trip if you want to travel

Join a club to meet new people - what hobby would you go for ? Running club? What about a walking club that does trips ?

Throwing everything away seems a bit drastic and won't change the basics

It sounds incredibly, mind-numbingly boring, OP, but surely it’s not, or not just your marriage, that is making it boring? If you actually love your partner, and don’t actively want a new relationship, surely the onus is on you to make your life the way you want it within the context of your marriage? What does your ideal life look like? Can you move away from Dullsville? What is your working life like? Can you retrain? If you run, what about ultramarathons somewhere exciting? A couple of my friends do those regularly.

You clearly think your DP is a nice chap, and love him, sounds a bit cold just to dump him and run away (to a house share, stepping back to student life)

You don't have to do everything together, my DP and I have different interests so we quite often holiday alone or with friends who are into the same thing or go and do something individually.

It sounds to me as if community and connections outside the home would help. Volunteering is a low cost way to broaden your social life- scout and guide groups often need volunteer leaders and it can be good fun.

There's been a bit of a crisis in volunteering since covid as lots of people have stepped back. If you find a project that fits your interests it could be really life giving.

Thanks for all your responses.

I've joined a triathlon club actually and currently training for a half marathon. Everyone at the club is nice, but I feel like a bit of an outsider, nobody really talks to me. Most of them are much older and have kids at the same schools so quite chummy and I struggle to get involved.

I've also been involved in volunteering here and there, litter picking, food bank, tutoring, which I enjoy, but struggle to find the time in the day as I work long hours, full time. I think I might need to take on a second job soon too.

Yes I do love DP. He's a brilliant person and good partner, we have lots in common and similar interests, but he's just more easily satisfied in life than me. He owns the flat we live in and wants to stay in the area because of his family and friends. I'd like to move abroad or to the coast. I desperately miss being able to stroll into an interesting town, or to the beach, or have a choice of walks and hikes on my doorstep.

I think part of the problem is that I have nobody else to do things I enjoy with. I do a lot alone, but often not as enjoyable. Also I like hiking and photographing wildlife, for example, but don't feel safe doing that alone unfortunately. Travelling alone is tricky too because it's so expensive.

I think part of the problem is that I have nobody else to do things I enjoy with.

The problem with thinking this way is, very few of us have partners that enjoy all the same hobbies we do, and are also good in every other way.

I mean this kindly but you don't need a dp to escort you around. What do you think single people do? Stay at home all the time? Plenty of women hike alone (I do), or join a hiking group. Travelling alone doesn't have to be more expensive, often it can be cheaper. Anyway flights, bus rides, museum tickets and hostel beds cost per person.

Obviously if you aren't happy in the relationship, do break it off.

Thanks @frozenghost. Do you feel safe hiking alone?

Well if you’re training for a half marathon you must be at least semi fit ! Hiking alone wouldn’t bother me.

Is it safety you are bothered about or having no one to talk to whilst walking ? Where do you live ? Some of us might be able to suggest routes ? Do you drive /have access to a car ?

I would choose a well trodden route and get your picnic packed the night before then go

Can you talk to your partner and tell him how you feel? And maybe prioritise finding a better paid job? Your situation (living in a house owned by someone else) sounds a bit precarious-what if he decides he does not want you there any more?

Yes I do, women are more often attacked walking on a city street, and even more often attacked in their own homes by their partners, so in that sense hiking alone is one of the safest activities you can do.

But if you don't fair enough, everyone is different. Why not try joining a hiking or photography group?

I'm not saying not to end the relationship btw. You can and should if you want to.

I'm just saying it might help to explore your mindset of "I want to do x thing but I can't because my partner won't do it with me". Unless x thing is have a baby or something that directly requires his imput, it's not true. You can.

If you think this way you won't be able to do anything while you're single either.