DD running away from nursery

[MelThomas1]

Hi,

Just after some advice from parents. My DD attends a school nursery. However, she has been very reluctant to go into nursery since the Easter break. Lately, it has become a massive battle whereby she won't wear her uniform and will run away as soon as we approach the gates, if we are on school premises then she will run away in the playground as soon as we approach the EYFS gates. I'm having to pick her up and physically take her there. A member of staff then takes her inside. I feel so sad to see her like this but I've been doing it, thinking it's fine, it's just a phase but this phase is lasting so long, and I don't know if this is normal? When I ask her why she doesn't like it, she says because I'm not there and she just wants to be with me. She also says she doesn't like the teachers. There have been 3 or 4 other children doing the same but they seem to have settled back down. My DD has lots of activities on in the afternoons when nursery finishes, which she enjoys a lot and I'm there with her.

The running away really breaks my heart, she hates to go in, it starts the night before with her asking me am I off tomorrow?

Any advice, how do I help her?

What do the nursery staff say when you speak to them? I think it would massively depend on my "gut feeling" about the nursery and the staff there. Are they reassuring and kind? Do they get down to her level and speak to/distract your dd in a friendly way when she's upset? Do they have any photos of your dd enjoying herself at her nursery? If it continued and the staff didn't seem supportive, I'd be tempted to look around at other nurseries for her.

The staff are quite awkward with me as when my DD first started the teacher rang me up twice in the first two weeks saying my DD is getting emotional and not joining in some activities, and is she like this at home? I said no she loves to do all sorts at home, and I further said maybe it's a new setting so she is finding her feet. Then she said well I've never had a child like this before, she isn't as mature as the rest of the children.

I found that really off putting considering my DD thrived in her preschool and the staff always said positive things and she would go there happily.

Anyway, my DD settled into this nursery and has had no issues since. It was just after the Easter break she has been reluctant to go in. The teacher has asked me if my DD has an issue with her (as in the teacher). My DD says that she wants to go to another nursery. I've explained that the playgroups we attend are lovely but I cannot stay with you if you went to another nursery. But the way she cries and clings on to me as soon as we approach the EYFS gate is heartbreaking and I thought by now she would have just stopped but it's getting worse.

The staff are very judgemental and if I'm very honest I feel like they think I'm a shit mum because they know I homeeducated my other DD in Y6 (who is at the top of her class academically) and they made comments about my DD in nursery that she behaves like that because she is home educated (she is three years old for God's sake)! So, yes, I feel extremely uncomfortable around the staff.

If you can move her I think you should- the staff should be much more supportive of you and her - judging a 3 year old for being 'home educated' is bizzare!

if you can't move her, could you keep her home till the start of the next school year? Or try a childminder with a couple of other kids her age for some mixing.

Really sorry you're going through this.

She's also started becoming afraid of bugs and insects, all of a sudden. She screams and runs away from ants and flies. This is a girl, BTW, that has made snail hotels in our garden and lets snails climb up her arms and picks up worms with her hands since she was tiny. But not anymore. She keeps talking about germs on her hands and the teachers say they have to wash their hands otherwise the germs go inside them and they will.get sick. And now she's scared the ants and snails will go inside her and make her sick.

I'm not sure why this has happened. Maybe it's a phase? It's certainly not from home as we are an outdoorsy/hands on/messy kind of family.

It doesn't sound a nice place. I'd listen to your DD and find somewhere she will feel happy to attend.

Its the nursery. Its not her.

She is telling you that she is hurting and scared and wants to move. No child would willingly leave their friends if staying wasnt worse.

Please listen to her.

Your poor child.

Please move her asap.

I agree it's the nursery not your little girl bless her and I'm sorry the teacher spoke to you in that way that's awful.

I've helped out in and worked in 3 different nurserys,1 was private,1 was attached to a school and 1 was independent and I've never heard or witnessed any of the staff myself included speaking to a parent the way you were spoken to and we've dealt with some really challenging behaviour not a child just not joining in and as for the way germs getting in has been mentioned to your DD what a ridiculous thing for someone to say to a small child.

Not easy I know but I agree with PPs I would be looking for a different nursery or setting for your child, nursery above all things should be something that a child gets to enjoy.

Thanks for the replies, I needed some objective advice but what you have said confirms my own gut feeling. I do feel a sense of relief now that half term is upon us because I don't need to see the staff or take my DD in. On the days I tell her she doesn't have nursery, she literally jumps up and down with joy and says yaaay!

You need to find a new setting.
At 3, this is her way of directly articulating that something is very wrong. To have such a huge reaction, physically running away to protect themselves, I would want to know what the hell is going on.
Frankly, the phone call in the first few weeks would've raised huge red flags.

Move the setting. That is not a warm environment or a healthy one for your child.

I reassure you it's not fake. She did say that in a conversation over the phone, which I found odd and a total overreaction.

I worked in a nursery for 2 months, it was all I could manage. The staff were absolutely vile and had god complexes that they were raising the children, not essentially minding them whilst parents worked.
They judged everything, made claims that could have landed parents in shit. (One dad was a bit of a space cadet, they immediately had him down as a stoner and never stopped discussing it like it was fact even though it was simply he was just their opinion) it was honestly the most unpleasant environment I've ever been.
I remember one little girl who was a lovely little thing enjoyed looking in cupboards and the bin. Her parents were teachers and she was there full time. This child was a terrific eater, she loved books and was a happy thing. The staff tried to make out she must be living in squalor at home and her parents restricted food because she enjoyed exploring.
There wasn't a single safeguarding issue, child happy, clean, loved her parents, never a scrape on her knee, she came in some mornings with toast etc, so she was never denied food, just really lovely kid. They didn't like that her mum was quite old fashioned and tried to insinuate she was scrounging for food as opposed to what she was doing, just searching for bits of glitter and paint.

It really does depend on the nursery. Besides this particular one I've only ever seen lovely staff, but sometimes, there's just one place that is usually awash with staff that are out of high school doing apprenticeships and they're still too immature to be working. Especially when they're all giving each other licence to overstep and just behave terribly towards the parents.

You'd honestly be shocked at some of the shit I heard staff say to parents within 8 weeks. It was vile x

Oh gosh, this is awful. I feel with my DD, the staff have made their judgements even before we started because of homeschooling. The teacher said some very negative things about homeschooling and I could tell she disliked it and didn't even understand what homeschooling entailed. And now, I have felt like I have had to prove that I'm a fit mother. I've enrolled my DD into a forest type of nursery for one day a week and had to inform them that she won't be coming in on Wednesday every week, and a million questions ensued about this forest nursery, it was almost like they didn't believe me and I have sent photos of what she does there to prove to them that she is there! It's just a horrible feeling as a parent. They don't realise how precious my children are to me, after first one dying.

I am so sorry to hear that one of your other children died.

I agree with a lot of PP's - the nursery sounds unpleasant and I would be looking to move her elsewhere.

I’ll be honest with you I don’t blame nor am i surprised that she doesn’t want to be there. The staff seem rather unwelcoming and have done nothing to reassure you or indeed her.
Also, if they’re passing comments to your face what do think they’re saying behind your back.
May be your daughter is hearing that. If it’s to the point where she is not wanting to put her uniform on that speaks volumes of how distressed she is there. She’s 3 years old just a baby really she can’t have a good old heart to heart with you about what’s going on. Therefore she’s showing it in other ways.

100% this! It's really bizarre how a nursery would call you and criticise your DD for not being mature. Separation anxiety is common at the beginning! They sound awful. I'd pull her out.

I'm really sorry to read about your loss and you sound a really lovely mum. 💐💐💐

I think that some nurseries have weird cultures with staff using parents to get ego boosts and because they know youve done something different than traditional education, they'll be using that to fit their narrative that you're a hippy type and that'll be their reason to almost explain your own DD to you like you're some idiot. My friends DD keyworker was calling herself "nursery mummy", the keyworker was 17 and very sweet, but also, very much not her mummy.
I do think if you look at nursery staff it's a low paid job, it's predominantly young women or women who've worked there for decades and it's actually quite boring, so they kind of create their own drama.
It's really nothing personal and it's absolutely not every nursery, just sometimes, like anywhere, you get a shit one.

Youre not paying to send your DD to a place that makes you feel uncomfortable and her unhappy.
I'd definitely be looking for somewhere else, because it sounds she's enjoyed other settings.

Is it a council ran nursery? I have found them better than private ones with my own DC but that's because they've had more experienced staff etc but that's only my experience, might be completely different for everyone else.

I used to say to just pop in when visiting nurseries and if they ask you to come back with an appointment then they're showing you a staged day, but since covid etc I'm not sure you can do that anymore.

I hope you get this sorted for you and DD @MelThomas1, you shouldn't feel the way the staff are making you feel here x

I think you should move her. The insect thing must be down to something a staff member has said, a very negative comment or behaviour. It's obviously made a big impression. If the staff aren't nice, generally, that tells you all you need to know.

This. Sounds to me like some staff member (or more than one) is picking on her.

@MelThomas1 could she go to the forest one more if she enjoys that? I would move her (or just keep her at home if you don’t need to send her because of work).

Trust your instincts op
if you daughter was feeling comfortable there she would go in and be happy to.
They sound awful, find somewhere that suits you all better.

She goes to a primary school nursery, it's attached to a school where she has a qualified, experienced teacher, which is what is even more shocking.

And now in forest nursery DD was upset last week that bugs were crawling on her and her teacher at forest nursery has said that is so bizarre and out of character for her because since the first day my DD has been so enthusiastic and showing her forest teacher every bug and toad that she finds.

Also, I agree perhaps someone has said something because DD is quite self conscious so when staff have said things previously that she must not wear certain shoes (as it's not school uniform) she has been very adamant she can't wear them and how she must wash her hands if she's touched her bogies/nose.