Don't even know where to start - going to try and explain it and hope I'm not too judged. I have borderline personality disorder. I'm 30 and have found over time I have grown out of it quite a bit. I am a professional, good mum, good mood regulation etc and am genuinely perfectly happy with my life.
One thing though, that over the years has never gotten better, are relationships - whether those being purely sexual or romantic. I become obsessive and it can have a real impact on my mood and take over my thoughts. I have very clear attachment issues from childhood. I am very self aware regarding these as theories surrounding this are part of my job. So, I've stayed away from relationships and sex as I can't seem to differentiate between the two. Rationally I know that sex doesn't equal love but I always get very attached with whoever I'm sleeping with and have been known to be that 'psycho' more times than I can name. So simply, I've stayed away from men for my sake and my daughters.
However a couple of weekends ago I got chatting to someone I vaguely know on Facebook. As I was having a few glasses of wine, the conversation got sexual and I was fine with this. Basically because I'd been drinking I made it out to him like I was up for just a shag.
Now completely sober me knows that I can't emotionally handle this, however, we've still continued to speak and have arranged to meet on Saturday night. I've kept up the pretence that I am happy to meet for a shag because I don't want to seem like a 'let down'. But I'm not, I've felt sick about this all week, I really want to cancel. I've already started to check when he is online, reading too much in to texts, romanticising things (yes this is all before even meeting him). And he's not being very nice, I almost feel degraded and like a piece of meat and that's before even sleeping with him.
A voice in my head though is telling me 'this is your only chance for a good shag' 'don't be so boring' 'he'll meet someone better and then you'll regret it' 'your looks won't last and then no one will want you' 'you'll always be alone if you don't meet him' etc. All completely irrational thoughts.
I was speaking to my friend who watched me go through an awful time with a man 3 years ago. It honestly nearly destroyed me, I was suicidal and she said she is concerned about this happening again.
I feel like this is one of those times I need to put myself and my daughter first and not worry about letting someone else down. I know it's one of these times where I have to listen to my gut and the kind voice in my head that tells me I'm worth more but it's hard. I feel so bad letting him down. He has been pretty short and abrupt and didn't seem that enthusiastic about meeting when I text today, even though it was him that asked so I'm sure he won't be bothered at all. I just have this knot in my stomach. Not able to eat.
I know I need to stay away from men until I can get counselling but it's sad really.
I don't know what I want from this thread. Maybe just some encouragement that it is okay to do what is best for ME. So many times I've slept with men when I haven't even wanted to but I've just wanted to keep them happy and it brings me back to all those times and I feel I've finally got enough self love to say no, this isn't for me and I deserve more but still finding it difficult.