To have no respect for DM

[Blueskygreyheart]

NC for this

My early childhood was great, family days out, camping trips, lots of photos of me and parents together. But from memory, when I reached about 7/8 it all started changing and my dad was completely different.

My mum and siblings often gaslight me saying things weren’t as bad as I think and I was the problem but I have very distinct and specific memories of how my dad acted and the things he did. Some of the things I remember are him driving me to big building and saying it was an orphanage and I was to get out because he didn’t want me anymore, pushing me full force in the face when I was about 15, squaring up to me (something he still does now), told me not to use my surname as he didn’t want anyone to know I was his daughter, constantly using threats of violence. I also don’t remember him attending a single parents evening or seeing any of my shows (I was very involved in performing arts) although he attended his hobby every evening. I developed borderline personality disorder from the abuse I received.

My dad moved out when I was 19/20. He and my mum were never really together from what I could tell, who knows. But in the past 12 months they’ve gotten closer again, when he’s at my DMs house they are often holding hands, have been abroad to a wedding together etc

I understand that she was in an emotionally abusive relationship too while I was growing up but I cannot respect her playing happy families when she clearly witnessed how he treated her child?! But they, my parents and siblings, like to act like it didn’t happen for an easy life. I can’t do that because I now have a life long personality disorder that stemmed from the environment I was in during my teenage years.

I barely have contact with my dad but I currently live with DM. It’s really hard to have respect for this woman who was supposed to protect me but didn’t and now wants to act like it never happened. AIBU to not just go along with it like everyone else in the family? It happened and I still haven’t healed.

I think OP that you really need to think about moving out. Your DM and the rest of the family are clearly prepared to pull the shutters down on the past, but naturally you can't forgive the damage that he's done to you, so in your shoes, I'd be looking for somewhere else to live, and going NC with the lot of them. I know that this will be very hard, but surely it has to be better than being forced to play happy families?

This is really shit. I have a very similar dynamic with my parents so I totally get it. It's such a betrayal. Unfortunately I don't have an answer. Just time and distance - physical and emotional distance. As much distance as you need to feel safe.

I have moved out several times, due to my mental illness I find it hard to keep a job and so have had to move home for financial reasons. I’m back this time as COVID had such an impact on me, lost my job as no furlough available due to it being a relatively new business and took me a long time to find employment and become mentally well enough to stick to a job. I’ve been in my current job for a year which is really great for me, so hoping to move out again soon in the next few months.

Put your name on the social housing list so you are at least on it, you never know it may offer you something at the right time, but yes you do need to move out ASAP.
These people are obviously willing to sacrifice you for family harmony, I wouldn't want to be around people like that.

Well done for sticking with the new job OP! Do you have any friends that you could maybe move in with as a temporary measure, until you can get your own place, just so that you can get away from your family?

Majority of siblings and DM work away from home during the working week so it’s not so bad. It’s more the knowing that she knows everything that went down but now wants to pretend it didn’t happen and be all friendly with him again.

If it were just her that suffered because of the way he was and she wanted to reconcile, I’d say that was her cross to bear. But how could you want to be like that with someone who abused your children. I will truly never understand it.

I am the black sheep of the family. I turned out just like my dad in many ways and my family hates me for it, including my dad who fails to realise I started to react in my teenage years exactly as he’d demonstrated. But of course when I did it, I was the worlds worst. They don’t see me as a product of that abuse.