Hi,
Just want to know about people’s experiences of trial separations and how to manage your own feelings when you aren’t the one who wants it.
My husband and I are about to embark on what I think would be called a trial separation. He has been having a slow motion breakdown and is depressed and anxious. He finds no enjoyment in anything (apart from our children) and feels low about himself. He talks about wishing something would happen to him, but has reassured me he’s not suicidal. He has panic attacks every night and other physical symptoms of anxiety throughout the day. He’s been diagnosed as having anxiety and depression. In the beginning he was in denial about it being a mental health issue and kept saying he was just changing as a person. He was also a bit skeptical about professional help but I’m beginning to see some softening of his stance now as he has negotiated retaining his health insurance through work for a few months and has said when he moves out he will think about seeing a psychologist and also think about having couples therapy. But he seems unwilling to commit to anything until he has moved out and had space to think.
I think all off this has largely been brought on by work stress as he is in a high paid pressured job (he has now resigned and has nothing lined up, seems determined to have a career change but no clear idea about how or what) I’ve posted on here before about how he has issues with his mother that he is very angry with her about. He hasn’t seen his parents for about 6 months now but will send them angry messages. Recently told his siblings he doesn’t want a relationship with them and removed himself from the family whatsapp group. He doesn’t see his friends any more and when he does speak to them won’t give them the full picture about what’s going on (I think because he doesn’t want people to say there’s something wrong with him). He sometimes says he feel he needs to start over and make new friends. And of course there’s me, his wife, whom he has decided he wants to separate from. There were no big fights/arguments, no abuse, no infidelity etc. We were actually very happy before things started going to wrong at work. We still get on, there’s no fighting or tension. In fact he occasionally tries to be affectionate or intimate I think because he’s trying to do ‘normal’ things to see how they make him feel but he says everything is as if the volume is turned down very low. When I try to ask for reasons for the separation he just says his feelings have been ‘eroded’ and when I ask why the only thing he can give me is issues we had 5-10 years ago or his need to be more assertive (which is something I have supported him with). He seems to flip between thinking the problem is him (“If I just remove myself from everyone I have no one left to disappoint”) to thinking the problem is with everyone else. I’ve discussed the marriage in detail with a psychologist and she doesn’t see any significant issues that would lead to a breakdown in the marriage and attributes what he is doing to the breakdown he is going through. All off this is to say before people launch into the “he must be having an affair”- no I really don’t think so, he is having a mental breakdown that encompasses every aspect of his life.
I suffered from a brief period of depression myself a few years back and I felt completely numb to everything and lost all enjoyment (anhedonia). I remember him asking me if I felt anything for him as we had stopped being affectionate and intimate and I told him the truth- I didn’t feel anything. Once the depression ended my feelings returned. I’m actually glad I experienced that because I think it gives me some insight into what he may be going through. Because off this I’ve decided I don’t want to give him an ultimatum because I don’t think any off this is intentional. That means I have to wait and see what he decides and that is very difficult. I’m trying to keep myself as busy as I possibly can. We have put a 6 month timeline on coming to some sort of decision. Neither of us is interested in dating. We will have the children 50/50. I think the right thing to do is to remain out of “hope” but I don’t really know? Just wondered if anyone had been through anything like this and how you managed.