to expect emotional support from dh in advance of impending miscarriage

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I have been told I will miscarry following 2 months of drugs for ivf treatment.

dh says he will give me emotional support if I am in pain/ when it happens. I expect some emotional support now too not just when I start cramping and bleeding. AIBU? (I know I can be sometimes!)

Are you my north of London, on the pulse Dublin friend ?

Not being harsh, but I don't want to blow anyones cover either.

Oh, sweetheart

I think sometimes men don't think about things like this until after the event. Some don't think at all

Can you tell him you're struggling with the waiting and you might not bein physical pain, but emotionally, you're in bits?

he'll give you support IF you are in pain or WHEN it happens?

It's already happening is it not? If you've been told you're going to miscarry I presume you're already in pain.

I can't even begin to get my head around this.

Surely he should always be giving you emotional support and surely now is a time when you need a special kind of minding?

so sorry to hear your sad news, a friend went through this same thing recently and it was very hard for her.

I'm very sorry.

YANBU, of course. I think sometimes men find it difficult to relate/cope unless there is something hey consider concrete to relate to/cope with, iyswim. Can you talk to him again, tell him this dreadful waiting part is very much a part of the whole horrid thing?

It's not happening yet - my clinic told me that I will miscarry as my HCG levels have dropped.

I'm just sitting waiting.

Bree - I have no Irish links so think not.

I'm overloaded with work as I have spent so much extra time faffing at the clinic with extra appointments and literally having to go every day for injections so my work is totally behind schedule and as I'm self employed there's no one to hand it to. Yet dh says I get no sympathy for that as I work by choice (we don't need the money and I don't earn much).

To me my work is so important even if the money isn't.

GRRR. The man has no emotions so just assumes I don't.

Sorry what I mean is we don't need the money as my income is pitiful compared to his. Hence to him I work by choice for fulfilment so can't complain - and I so don't normally as I love my job.

Thanks for your replies guys. Off to bed as so tired. Won't be expecting a single hug from dh - how sad is that.

So sorry to hear your sad news. My husband din't cope well with my mcs at the time...he's since said that he felt so crappy, but felt like he had to be strong for me. It wasn't easy for him to sympathise as he couldn't wrap his head around the whole thing. And sympathy doesn't come naturally to many men.

They deal in results and definites, so a future occurrence is something they can't deal with. They also feel it's awkward dealing with an 'unreal' situation. Even though it's totally real to us and we have to deal with the tide of emotions and hormones and loss of expectations. To them it's often an abstract idea they were just trying to get used to.

In terms of the work situation, I think he could be much more sympathetic...does he know how important it is to you? It was what kept me going between my mcs...Perhaps you need to tell him how you feel. If he's anything like mine, though, he'll just grunt all the way through it and say, 'so what do you want me to do now?!'

So sorry you are going through this.I have lost three pregnancies but DH never really gets how I feel. He says it's because it isn't happening to him but that he does care. We have had big arguments as he doesn't remember due dates or wonders why I am feeling upset about things. Unfortunately I think your Dh's reaction is pretty much a normal reaction for a man. It's not their body and is just an abstact concept for them. You will get plenty of support here though - we are here if you need us.

abstract

ok an update. I now have a possible ectopic preg, definitely an unviable pregnancy at least.

Dh has said tonight that I should 'try and be normal until we know something concrete'. I don't think that's fair. I haven't fallen to pieces or had a breakdown and actually am being a lot calmer than some, although did have a cry before which prompted him to say 'i hope this isn't all worrying about nothing' or similar.

He says he too is pissed off with all this. I suggested he call one of our friends for a chat but he says he would never ever do that and prefers to deal with things internally. That's his choice.

He did say earlier I'd get emotional support from him but doesn't seem that way does it.

I asked for a hug and he sort of provided one with one hand, and said he finds it difficult to hug anyone to comfort them as it is the last thing he'd want.

Oh dear.

I am so sorry - this happened to me so I know just how hard the wait is, and how much support you need now. Nothing I say will change your DP and his reaction - I hope it improves, but take good care of yourself and remember that you will get loads of support here.

Oh, I am so sorry. How concrete does your DH want it to be?
I have a DH who deals with things differently too. I have to point out to him when we have a problem that just as it takes an effort for him to deal with me sobbing, it takes an effort for me to leave him alone (which is what he always wants).
Do you have family that you can lean on?

I am so sorry for you - and am sending you lots of hugs via this!

It is difficult when partners don't know how to respond. He is thinking how he would want to be treated - as he said, a hug would be the last thing he would want. Unfortunately that doesn't help you...

Have you told him that you need more emotional support or could you show him this thread to show him how you're feeling? Maybe he finds it hard to talk about his pain, but hopefully he could be able to listen to you talk about yours?

I hope you can support each other, and as luby said, we're here for you!

That's shite. Last year at exactly this time I was going through the same (not IVF though; I was mc'ing at 8 weeks), then it happened again soon after. It was dreadful and I can recall my DH saying I was 'being negative' and 'irrational' because I dared cry a few times. Then he would give me 'what for?' looks when I said I wanted to mark the significant dates of the miscarriages: he was totally unattached.

They (men) can't understand the levels of hormones and emotions we have to endure during such events. I couldn't handle also falling out with him at the time, so I tried to put his harshness out of my mind and put it down to being just one of those things. Sorry to hear your trauma. I hope things will soon look up. xx

I can fully sympathise with you. My DH has been rubbish since I had my first MC in March 07. When I had my second in October, he patted my hand and said dont worry we will try again. I was in tears on the sofa. He then calmly walked out and went down the pub!!!
I really dont think that most men or women have any real idea how emotionally traumatic it is to go throught the loss of a wanted pregnancy. Unless you are in that position yourself it is too hard to empathise(sp).

Remember we are all here for you. I found a huge amount of support and love from the MC avenger thread. Lots of lunatic women who are going through and dealing with MC! Do join in.
It is perfect for the support you are not getting from your DH

So sorry for you!

DH's often deal with things in different ways - my DH has tried to be fairly non-committal when we've had problems, until they're 'concrete' as he found it difficult to accept anything until it was completely and utterly in his face.

He dealt with things differently from me, and that can be really tough...he's probably really worried about you too and trying to deal with different feelings. Small consolation I know as you really need him NOW!

I'm sure he's not trying to be emotionally dense, he just has a different way of coping - men often do!

Hope everything works out as OK as it can. Thinking of you both. XX

Thank you - you're all very kind and supportive.