I'm struggling with parenting lately. My DD is 11 and wants to get a phone (she has an iPad), she wants to be on social media (she's not allowed), and just do a lot of stuff that I'm not sure she's ready for. Some of her friends are on tiktok, instagram etc and I don't agree with this. I let her have Snapchat but am not happy about it. I admit that I have huge anxiety over her because she is my only, and I know the sorts of things that can happen to girls as they hit puberty, having experienced many horrible things myself. I know I cannot protect her forever too.
Recently she has become BFF with a girl I'll call A. I'm going to be 100% honest, I'm not crazy about A. She is a year older than my DD, she was held back at school and I feel she is a bad influence. A doesn't have hobbies (my DD does a lot of sports, sings in a choir and plays piano) and seems to spend a lot of time on social media and just 'hanging out'. Her parents allow her much more freedom which would make me uncomfortable. She's allowed to take the bus to go into town and she takes the bus to/from school. There is a bus stop just around the corner from our house, and this is the one that A uses. When she misses a bus, she's started coming around ours to wait for the next one. This annoys the hell out of me because I work FT from home and I don't want the interruption. Once she just showed up on a Saturday and my DD and I weren't at home. My DH answered and was totally perplexed, she asked to come in and wait for my DD. When we got home, she asked to be taken home because no more buses were coming. Again, this annoyed me. I didn't think of it at the time, but I suppose I could have insisted she call her parents to come get her but I didn't. I feel like my DD finds 'A' cool and wants to be just like her, and I think my DD is cool just as she is.
My DD has a tendency to latch on to one specific friend, she's been this way since she was little. She always wants a BFF. This has resulted in a lot of hurt feelings sometimes because some of her 'previous' BFFs have decided they want more freedom. We have repeatedly talked to her about this, and said it's important to be friends with a range of people, because it's too much pressure on one person, but she cannot seem to help herself. She has ended up in tears many times upon feeling rejected, and she says she feels like she doesn't fit in so has to 'act different' at school than she does at home. She is a lovely girl, bright and funny and sweet. She gets good marks and teachers love her. We struggle to understand why she feels this way, we do try. She is quite open with us and tells me all of the 'drama' at school, and I really wish I could find ways to encourage her not to get involved, but the new BFF A seems to always have a drama and DD wants to 'take care of her' My DH and I were both bullied as children and want her to feel happy and secure, but she doesn't seem to feel this way. We want her to realize that she is great and doesn't need to pander to A or anyone to have a friend. She says if she doesn't, no one likes her.
I feel a bit desperate and sad, like is this normal? I don't know what to say to her anymore. I don't like this new BFF, I think she is making DD feel worse about herself, but I feel she should also be allowed to choose her own friends.