To be worried about my DS’s attitude

[SunnySummerPlease]

My DS is 16 and in typical teenage fashion seems to think everything I do or say is wrong or laughable, I totally get it, I thought my parents were morons at that age.

He also takes the piss out of me constantly for my feminist opinions and the fact that I am a single Mum and proud of the fact that I don’t need a man in any way. Although sometimes I do wonder whether he takes it personally (as a male) that I have such a dim view of men in general.

Yesterday we were out walking our dogs in fields when another dog ran up to ours, they were all quite rough together and the stranger dog ended up barreling in to me and knocked me off my feet. My DS just laughed and said “why did you fall like that?!”, “you just folded?!”.

I was in shock, felt hurt physically and was shocked and saddened that he didn’t even care if I was alright. Don’t know what I want to get out of this post but I’m beginning to hate living with someone who treats me with such distain.

I've lived through the teenage eye roll years, having raised two boys as a single parent but would also be upset if my boys weren't concerned if I was physically hurt. However, I would think that if you show your disdain for men in general that is bound to have an effect on your own young man, and be really confusing for him.
I wonder if his outer shell is almost a protection mechanism in the face of him unavoidably growing into something you have a dim view of? Not a criticism, but it sounds like a tricky situation.

Thanks Runzilla, helpful post, definitely need to think hard about this.

I can remember sitting down with my youngest when he was about 13, because we seemed to be at loggerheads the whole time. I told him he was not pleasant to be around and he said he felt I was always coming down hard on him. I think we'd both become a bit entrenched - like a chicken and egg situation - and I think when we both shared our hurt at each other it was a bit of a breakthrough really.
I know there are no easy fixes, but good luck. It's not easy when you're on your own.

I think it might be wise to sit down and have a chat with your son.

His reaction was unkind, but from his perspective, he has a mother who is berating men with the whole "I don't need a man" attitude, as well as being negative (albeit indirectly) about the man who is his father.

You're basically giving the impression to your son that men are just sperm donors and no use for anything else. Even if your ex was a complete idiot, you must have liked him enough to want to have kids with him and therefore have some sort of remorse or sadness that it didn't work out?

(just to add... I'm a teacher with a Y11 tutor group so quite used to discussing similar topics with 15/16 year old boys when they choose to open up. Even if they hate their dads or their mums hate their dads, they still take any negative stuff quite personally and an attack on them)

Obviously it’s hard to tell what the views you express to him are but are you surprised? If you don’t need a man, he knows that and is constantly told it then surely if you fall over his thought process will be (as a teenager) that “she bangs on about being strong and independent all the time, she’s fine”. You’ve literally taught him to be like that.

I do think there is a lot of negativity around boys and men, and then we are surprised that they grow up to be negative. Not you OP but just a generality in society. I really find myself absolutely despairing of 'men' sometimes and then have to remind myself that actually they are half of the humans on the earth and there are so many amazing ones, just like women.

It is a tricky age, teenagers can have a bit of an empathy bypass at times, and can have some ideas and feelings that do seem really strange to adults. I think it's ok to tell him you were hurt when he wasn't sympathetic, otherwise how will he know what's expected of him in society?

Teenagers are not known for their empathy. Coupled with you always being strong and independent, I would hazard a guess that helping you up didn't even cross his mind, partly in case you told him you didn't need help as you are independent.

For this example I think you are a little bit unreasonable unless you were hurt.

I will try to speak to him about this, it is very difficult to have a meaningful conversation with him as he thinks everything is a big joke - including his GCSEs!

His Dad and I have a brilliant relationship but his Dad is totally useless and my DS and I often have a joke about what ball was dropped this week - mainly brought up by him.

He is very in to Andrew Tate who he sees as a role model so I worry that his view of women is as dim as my view of men - although perhaps I created that?!

He is very in to Andrew Tate who he sees as a role model

This is major! He is a completely toxic influence. I would be beside myself about this

He spends 50/50 time with his Dad and me.

You need him to be more respectful. There are a number of ways you can do this:- the look, lowering your voice and meaning what you say, occasionally ripping the piss back (do this only once or twice to show him your teeth, metaphorically speaking), laugh along with him for the smaller things, banter back too.

Teenagers are notorious for this so it goes with the territory. Laughing at you getting knocked over was cruel though.

Just seen your update. The Andrew Tate thing is worrying. I know a lot of schools/sixth form colleges have things in place to help and support boys who have been caught up in the Andrew Tate saga so it is maybe worth mentioning it to them.

Also, maybe he is picking up some disdain from you towards men and is taking it personally? Maybe hammer home the point that not all men deserve disrespect, just the twatty ones.

Is there another male role model who can have a word? Grandad? Uncle? Your brother?

Just simply not a very caring lad is he, if he can't ask his mum when she hurt if she's OK.

Just basic good manners as well.

Why are you voicing your opinions on men in front of him? That’s definitely something you should be keeping to yourself. You’d not be unreasonable to sit him down and talk to him about his behaviour and how hurtful it is, open a dialog and see if there is issues for him that you can resolve too. Failing that, he’s a 16 year old boy with another parent in his life. Nowt wrong with him staying with his dad if he can’t sort his attitude at home.

And by keeping to yourself, I mean discussing with anyone other than your son. Men are wankers mostly, but if you’re voicing that in front of him he may believe that you think he’s a wanker too (if that makes sense? Not saying you’re calling anyone that!)

Mine is also 16. He went through a phase a bit like this, but he's coming out on the other side now and I'm seeing much more caring and affectionate behaviour. The Andrew Tate thing is worrying though - he's such a vile man and a terrible influence. Could his dad or another male he respects have a chat with him about that aspect? It might be better coming from a man.

Obviously I can't know for certain without knowing what exactly you've said to him about men, but I wonder if you're creating a "two tribes" or "us vs them" mentality. You're telling him (or implying) that men are crap/useless/whatever, and reinforcing that by laughing about his dad, and then your son is going off and finding an example of a man who seems to be the opposite - "strong", popular, wealthy, confident, etc etc. Of course he's going to want to emulate that.

I think I would brush off the comments about you falling over (honestly, it is funny to see someone fall, if they're not seriously hurt. My husband decked it the other day and I killed myself laughing! Doesn't mean I don't care about him). But I would start trying to find examples of good male role models and talking about them. If you must talk about feminism, disparage the behaviours you don't like, not men in general. Emphasise that there are good men, men who are considerate and care about others, etc etc. But I'd try to do it subtly rather than having a sit down chat, personally.