Anxious about DDs driving on highway

[Ihavehadenoughalready]

I am very worried and want to know how parents cope when their kids are driving.

So, DD21 and DD18 have bought tickets for a concert near Chicago about 1.25 hrs away and if not taking main highway it would take 2 hrs (says Google maps). It's not for a couple more months. DD21 has been driving since 16 but really only short trips around town and back and forth to very close job. She doesn't really drive on highways, though claims today that she has so driven on highways. No, she really hasn't, not on interstates. DD18 is learning to drive and has road test later this summer. Both of them think it's perfectly fine to drive that distance on the highway even though neither one has ever gone that far and have never driven to that location before.

However. We live in America in a city that has rampant reckless driving and I was, for instance, nearly in a crash on my way home from work today. Traffic had backed up one lane over and I was slowing down, speeding car one lane over didn't see backup in time and they applied brakes so hard I could smell tire rubber burn. I was able to react and allow that car to dodge the backed up lane and zoom in front of me, thus avoiding a crash. But my god, all I could think of was what if either of my daughters had been driving? I am convinced they would not have reacted in time to avoid a crash, due to their lack of experience.

Now, the highway they plan on taking to get to the concert is an interstate, big highway, and the drivers there are perhaps even worse (IMO) than in our own area. I have driven through this area myself. It's very scary. It's like a sea of sociopaths driving.

The concert is in several months and I feel on edge and I keep having thoughts that they are going to die if they go, and I guess I want to know what anyone can suggest. I mean, do I take them out on the highway to practice a bunch before I set them free? I can't forbid them to go, although I've told them I am not comfortable with their plan as I don't feel they have enough highway experience. I will not be offering to drive them myself because even though I'm fine with highways, I'm not good with new places and would have to rely on GPS to get me there.....which they will, too, which also makes me nervous as it's so hard to find exits and routes when you've never gone to that place ever, even if Siri is telling you what to do. You can't always safely get in the lane Siri wants you to when she wants you to. They have not asked me to drive them, and no doubt wouldn't want me to. They seem excited for their adventure and "knew I'd react like I did", which was as above, great concern for them driving on highway with limited experience.

Now, I can remember being terrified to drive on the highway at age 22 and avoiding it by taking long ways around, until I had to in order to drive to doctors appts, work conferences, the airport, etc. and obviously I didn't die in a crash. People also didn't drive as completely nuts then as they do now. Forgot to mention we also now have highway shootings because of course we do because we're Americans.

Do I resign myself to thinking worst case scenario is if they do crash and die/it must have been their time to go? Does this ever get better? Worrying about your kids? They don't know what they don't know, so they think nothing bad will happen. I know all sorts of things that could happen and I feel they are risking their lives. You can tell me I'm overreacting and they'll be fine.

My life has been greatly impacted by my young cousin getting hit and killed by a car when she lost control of her bike (we were both 8) and the lesson I learned from that, apparently, is that one lapse in judgement can cause you to lose your life.

Reasonable fear--daughters are overconfident and inexperience at driving could lead to a tragic outcome.

Unreasonable OTT fear--daughters will probably be fine and I should relax. A bit.

No one can say you are overreacting but worrying won't stop anything either

If she is old enough to drive she can drive so not sure what you can do about it anyway

Can you really say 'I have it in my head you can't cope so you can't do it'?

I get it, I really do. I'm in the UK, quiet little town but we have 3 major motorways all within 5 miles. One dc has been driving for 2 years, one due to start in October.

Gently, you are being unreasonable. Your dc won't ever get confident at friving on big, fast roads until they actually do it. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety around driving which is actually disproportionate to the real risk. Yes, they could be in an accident - it's a risk you take evert time you start the car up - but they most likely won't be. You should try to ensure that they are able to get some practice beforehand so that they're not doing it for the first time on the concert day.

Other things you can do to help keep them safe on the journey (in fact we should all do!)
Wear a seat belt
Don't drive tired
Don't drive drunk or under the influence of drugs
Keep the car well maintained
Know what to do in the case of an accident.

You have to give your dc wings op, let them enjoy their young adulthood.

I also think that you should get some help for your anxiety.

The older one has been driving for 4 years. Has she ever had an accident in that time?

Both of them think it's perfectly fine to drive that distance on the highway even though neither one has ever gone that far

There's always got to be a first time. What do you want her to do? Extend her distance by 10 minutes every day? She been driving 5 years, she can drive 1¼hrs. She'll be fine.

I am sorry for the loss of your cousin.

However, you are being unreasonable. Your child has been driving for 4 years. You can't expect them to only drive in familiar places - it is absolutely normal to broaden their horizons and go to new places. Especially if they are just a few hours drive away.

I get that you are nervous, but please don't transfer that nervousness to your children.

I do find it a bit weird you're apparently so anxious about it but then say you won't drive them yourself because you'll have to use GPS? If I were so anxious about it I would definitely offer to take them myself (although I don't think it's needed as everyone has to do their 'first' long journey some day). Perhaps you could have a trial run of a bit of the journey all together just to get familiar with the route etc? YANBU to be anxious but YABU to expect your anxiety to stop them living their lives.

You need to speak to GP, or USA equivalent about your anxiety. Ds1 learnt to drive in covid and I don't worry about him.

As you have a few months before the concert could you (or someone else who you trust and isn’t nervous) take them to practice highway driving? Is there a time of day when it would be quieter? I have no idea what roads in the US are like but I don’t think there’s any other option really, apart from never driving on highways.

Maybe there’s some kind of counselling you could have to help with the anxiety?

My own DC don’t drive yet but DM was in a crash (not as the driver) where her grandmother was killed and was never really happy with car journeys after that, she was fine on local roads but didn’t like going to new places. Whenever I was going anywhere out of the ordinary she’d be asking if I really needed to go, don’t drive too fast, make sure you concentrate on the road, etc. It made driving more stressful than it had to be!

Thanks everyone. I will reign in the worrying, then, for their sakes. As was said, there's always a first time for a longer road trip and they'll never be better at driving unless they drive.

I was not going to ever tell them they can't go based on my worry; they are adults. Just wanted some advice on how to cope with my own stress about it.

So thanks.

I understand that you're nervous if she hasn't driven this type of journey before.

As has been said. You have a while yet. Maybe you could accompany them, and sort out the exact route and exits when it's a bit quieter? You see she knows where to go, she has a more experienced driver for company.

Give your daughter a bit of familiarity of the route, when's the best/easiest time to change to the lane she needs to exit. Once she's driven the route then at least she's prepared a bit better.

And also, maybe look at alternative routes in case the highway is shut, or she misses the exit and needs to find another.

Can't you go out with her to practice driving onto and off the highway - imv that is the trickiest bit - judging your speed right. Also practice moving lanes for leaving the highway.

I've lived in the US and driving was much slower (all three lanes doing the same speed) compared to here where we have a fast and slow lane.

Also in the UK there are many speed cameras so driving on the motorway ime is much calmer than it was 5,10 years ago. Isn't it the same there.

I know what you mean about the driving around there, it’s the worst I’ve seen anywhere in the US and that’s saying something. But still it’s a skill they have to master and projecting your fears isn’t going to help anyone. Take them to practice, when it’ll be quieter e.g. Sunday morning, which is something you really should be doing anyway because driving on the highway is a life skill. If you can do the whole route together. Make sure they use GPS so they know whether their exit is on the inside or outside, and when it’s coming up, so they have time to get in the right lane because in general the signage is pretty appalling.

If you were in the U.K., I would suggest you offer to book & pay for additional driving lessons from a qualified instructor to allow your daughters to experience driving on the highways under supervision & with tuition. Would that be a possible option in the US? Would your daughters go along with it to build their experience & manage your anxiety?

I have driven on Interstate Highways across the US with no problems at all, and I found them to be no more challenging than the equivalent motorways in the UK or Autoroutes in France. Once you get out of the major urban areas, Interstates are a pleasure to use. German Autobahns & Italian Autostradas are much worse!