to think my partner is selfish

[Mammadibambini]

My partner works long hours and so I do all of the childcare, organising, meals, etc etc. (I am due to go back to work soon)

My partner claims we fell into these roles but I think he chose not to do things and I did them because time was short and they needed doing.

I’ve tried to talk to him about how unequal our relationship is but he gets really angry and says hurtful things like “go be with someone else” or that I’m trying to make him miserable and doesn’t actually think about or change his behaviour.

I feel more like I’m a single parent and he comes round on the weekends and plays with our child or takes them to an activity that I have organised. He doesn’t even get the stuff ready for this activity.

He spends no time with our child alone. I have no time on my own. His answer to this is to hire a nanny.

Anyone had something like this? (I’d be surprised if not) what did you do? What would you do? I feel so angry and resentful at him.

LTB

What’s LTB?

If he doesn't want to change you can't force him to change which leaves you with three options

a. Stay and make your peace with it (I think this is impossible personally)
b. Stay and use up years of your life feeling resentful
c. Leave and stop having to do everything for him

He is buying his leisure through your labour and that comes from a lack of respect for you as a person in your own right.

Leave the bastard.

I second this.

I voted YANBU.

But actually, you are being unreasonable to stay with someone who has so little respect for you, and seems to so clearly dislike you.

I third LTB.

Thank you for your responses.

it’s a very sad situation. I don’t really want to be a single mum, especially with the thought of coping financially alone.

Did none of you experience something like this when your children were babies? People always speak of the mental load of motherhood.

Sorry to say, he's incredibly selfish and has no respect for you at all. If he won't even discuss it with you I don't see that you've got a choice but to be a single parent, unless you want to be unhappy and resentful for the rest of your life.

No, it isn't my experience, my DH and I have always been a good team, but it is sadly all too common for men to think they're "above" looking after their own children and homes.

You would be happier without him, And you might find a kinder, more respectful man when you're ready.

Will he pay for the nanny that he's suggesting you hire? What about a housekeeping service? I have seen this before with high-earning men with "big jobs." It can work as long as they are willing to use their high salary to outsource some of the labor they would have otherwise contributed. But if he expects you to pay for it from your salary, then, no, it won't work.

They also have to be willing to give up control at home - a nanny or housekeeper cannot do everything a parent does because they don't have the authority. So life has to be simplified so the parent who is dealing with that side of things, can make decisions that work for them, otherwise the workload left on you will be too high. A man who expects to contribute none of the work of family life, but also expects to control what work at home YOU do, that is not going to work for you.

This is a very common situation and the reason why so many women leave their partners after the baby is born. These men don't change, they think it's your job.

Send him a calendar marked with available time slots and a task list of chores that need to be done. He needs to commit to a percentage of them. Also block out self care time for you. Couples time if you want to hold out an olive branch to him. But don’t be afraid to read him the riot act. If he doesn’t respond right, divorce him.

You going back to work is the opportunity to renegotiate this. Be very clear that house and children is a shared responsibility. If he can't or won't see this then I would consider leaving.

If he's paying, I would just hire a nanny. And cleaner and go back to work. Life's too short

Get a job asap!!!
Then renegotiate terms of household
Demand change

And if he doesnt change

Leave

Honestly you dont have a partner!!
You have a room mate

He is no good as a partner
Nor a father

He makes your life miserable

Get yourself a job. Sooner rather than later

How old are the dc?

If he's working and you're not, then I kind of think fair enough regarding the chores. The one that doesn't work does the housework, shopping and childcare.

You should both get regular protected child free time regardless of the work situation, even if it's only once or twice a month. It's so important for your sanity to go and spend even a couple of hours engaging in a hobby, walking the dogs or just sitting round a friends house without a fucking baby / toddler hanging off you!

However when you return to work the balance needs to shift in accordance with your relative working hours. If you go back full time he needs to do an equal share, if you go back half time then he needs to do approx 1/3 of the child stuff and you do 2/3. You get the idea.

Even if you don't like the idea of a nanny, hire help in other departments to take the load off.

DW and I didn't want a nanny, but we do have our ironing done, we also have a cleaner twice a week and the supermarket shop gets delivered.
These things all free up time so when baby is sleeping you can actually relax rather than frantically dashing round trying to get chores done before it wakes again!

I third this.

My husband and I fell into similar roles. He worked and is the high earner and I was on maternity so took in the ‘nurturing’ role so to speak. It cause many arguements and resentment.

Things got better when I went back to work, not amazing but better.

Well yes it sounds like the only contribution he makes to your family is financial and you do literally everything else. So of course he is selfish.

What do you want from this thread OP? Are you looking for people to validate your feelings and say it's ok to leave? Or do you actually want to stay in this relationship? Do you think he wants to stay in the family and play an active role but doesnt really know how? Or is he happy living the single life but likes to call himself a family man? What needs does he think you're not meeting? If its sex then honestly I think I'd just put him in the bin if he has completely checked out of family life but thinks you should still shag him and his solution is to get a babysitter rather than actually do his share consistently

You might as well be. See what benefits you might be entitled to and you'll get help with childcare

I took on the mental load for children and house which was fine with me. DH sorted bills and pulled his weight when he was at home.