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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DC's father :(

18 replies

Messup · 24/05/2023 23:00

I don't know if I posted this in the right section.
I messed up and it might now come back to bite me. I was with an abusive partner and only realised that I was pregnant after he dumped me, and I decided to keep the child but I never told him. I think my ex has realised this now (years later) and I am terrified what he will do,or what he can do that will disrupt our lives. I know that I shouldn't have kept this a secret but he would have insisted on a termination and I couldn't do it. Can someone tell me what he can do to get information on my son to confirm lineage? I really don't want him anywhere near him.

OP posts:

cheapskatemum · 24/05/2023 23:58

Presumably his name isn't on the birth certificate

CadburyDream · 24/05/2023 23:58

How old is your child

Original poster

Messup · 25/05/2023 05:02

My child is almost 10, and his father's name is not on the birth certificate

OP posts:

Bloopsie · 25/05/2023 05:06

Unlikely he will get anywhere..i know a guy who paid child mainteinance for years,woman wanted more his solicitor advised to ask for a dna test-court ordered the dna test but she refused to do it and the case (and csa was dropped.)

Rainbowqueeen · 25/05/2023 05:07

I believe that, unless you agree, he would have to take steps via the family court. The first would be a dna test.

Do you think this is likely??

Original poster

Messup · 25/05/2023 05:33

OK, so he can't just easily request a DNA sample and force me to go along?
I don't know if he would, but he was gone for all this time and I have recently seen him twice so he might be back. He was looking right at me when I saw him last. I might be paranoid but I know what he is like, and I have been feeling so so uneasy since

OP posts:

Redebs · 25/05/2023 05:59

Take the usual personal security measures: get a doorcam, make sure school is aware, let friends and relatives know. You want to shut down any enquiries or access he might gain to you and your son.
If you aren't coming after him for child support, it's less likely he's going to want to know if the child is his, but sometimes men do suddenly show an interest. (I realise he's technically the boy's father, but in the circumstances, he's actually little more than an unknowing sperm donor)
If he does want to know, he can apply to court for a DNA test, but there may be certain evidence he needs to provide to get one. The court isn't going to permit random men from seeking paternity without reason.
If there was documented abuse during the relationship ( you disclosed to GP, domestic violence agency or police at the time and they have a record of it), then you have more protection in law and possible access to legal aid.

It wasn't wrong of you to keep the pregnancy a secret from your ex if he didn't want a child at that time. You said he would have wanted you to terminate. Once conception has taken place, it's your body and your choice.

Hopefully he won't be interested in 'his' son. If he wants to see him in the future, that's up to you to negotiate. Your son knows he has a father somewhere out there and if this guy isn't too awful, it might help them both in the future to get to know each other. If you think he just wants to use him to get at you, then protect yourselves as above

Original poster

Messup · 25/05/2023 09:17

It was a horrible relationship and looking back I cannot explain how and why I stayed with him for so long. I really don't want him anywhere near us because I know what he is capable of, and I also don't want him to get back into my head. I hate myself for having allowed him into my head already.
My GP will have some embarrassing injuries on file but I never disclosed details and I never reported him. I was so stupid at the time and I thought I had left it all behind. I'll speak to the school and my family today. They don't know the full extend but enough. I'm probably overreacting but I'll feel a bit better now so thank you

OP posts:

CadburyDream · 25/05/2023 11:06

Ah that’s why I asked as he is coming to an age where soon he may well want to look for him himself? Especially with SM making it so easy

SkandiSkando · 25/05/2023 11:11

He has the right to see his child and to ask for a DNA test. Has your son never had questions about his father? Surely you knew this day would come.

Original poster

Messup · 25/05/2023 11:12

If one day he really wants to find his father and meet him I will of course try to facilitate it, but I will not tell him what happened back then. But I secretly hope he won't want to

OP posts:

whumpthereitis · 25/05/2023 11:23

IIRC, he can apply for a declaration of parentage. If you refuse a DNA test then yes, the court can and likely will order one.

Starlightstarbright1 · 25/05/2023 11:31

I think you have been in denial - make sure your SM is locked down .

on what basis do you think he knows about your Ds.

your Ds may need to be told the truth at some point .

Lwrenagain · 25/05/2023 12:15

He was looking at you to freak you out because that's what abusive fuckers do.

If he ever directly asks is DC his say DC is the product of a one night stand after you broke up and block him.

Maybe seek professional advice from more than one person about what to do when DC is older and asking questions about who fathered them.
I'd personally lie because I'm the product of an abusive father, I'd stick to my ONS story and say that Kevin from a pontins 90s weekend is all the information you have and discovered you were pregnant quite late on.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and well done for leaving that hideous fucker x

Original poster

Messup · 25/05/2023 13:11

I meant that I will never share with my child what his father did. He doesn't need to know and I am also embarrassed that I let him treat me like this.
My son was with me when he stood there staring at me/ us.
My SM is secure I think but my profile pic shows my ds and I together so...I can receive messages via SM though.
I think he will just be very, very angry with me for having done something that he could not control rather than wanting to be a Dad. But I don't know...I just want to keep him away from us.

OP posts:

UndermyShoeJoe · 25/05/2023 13:14

Unless your child actually looks his age or you’ve got public posts/photos form birth or birthdays do you think he would do the mental gymnastics of trying to work out the boys age?

Also you could search him up and block him/his family on social media before they can snoop you anyway.

But if he does ask and goes to court for dna there’s no point lying saying he definitely isn’t as that wouldn’t look good on you.

Original poster

Messup · 25/05/2023 16:29

As I said...I might be overreacting but it gave me such a big fright and brought back a lot of thoughts and memories..
He's not a very reasonable person and I hope I never have to engage with him ever again

OP posts:

Redebs · 25/05/2023 20:36

I just wanted to remind you that you've done the right thing in not telling your partner. You made a brave decision to leave him and to continue your pregnancy when you found out. You've been a bit brilliant all round really!

I hope that you and your son continue to get by without any complications from this nasty man. Your son is so lucky to have you.

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