What do I do now?

[Plutoniumplates]

I've been with my partner for just over a year. In the beginning it's always been made clear that marriage, kids, etc (the normal relationship goals for some) was completely out of the question. I was fine with that and it's never been an issue until now.... I recently found out I'm pregnant, the timings would roughly date 6ish weeks.

We've always used contraception but I picked up a vomiting bug that obviously reduced the effects of my pill for that time period so we relied more on condoms every time.

As you can imagine, Since I've told him hes made life very difficult. He's continuously going off on quite abusive rants about being adamant kids were out the question, that I've trapped him etc... its now at the point he's even publicly and privately denying he's even the father at all. He's also said if I don't terminate the hate campaign will only get worse and he will make my life not worth living.

The relationship has now ended but I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm hurt, ashamed and just generally so confused right now.

What would you do in this position? Would you terminate even if you didn't really want to? Do you think I've been unreasonable in all of this and agree that it's me in the wrong here for the situation we are in?

Takes two to tango.

Take him out of the picture and ask yourself 'what do I want?'

If you want this baby then there's your answer. If you don't then that's absolutely your choice and you can choose to look into other avenues like adoption, termination

It's your body, your life, your decision and ultimately what YOU want.

He may change his mind he may not but don't let that sway you.

Do what you feel is best.

Have you got any friends/family to speak with IRL? Or GP or mental health practitioner for support

Firstly keep any evidence of his threats, and contact the police. He’s absolutely disgusting to threaten you like that. So sorry you’re dealing with that. Really he should get sterilised if he’s that certain he never wants kids.

No one can advise what to do regarding keeping the baby. That is totally your decision as it should be. It does of course mean you will be linked to this man forever, but given his actions it’s not likely he’ll want to be an involved parent, though he might suddenly decide he does when baby arrives.

Do you have friends and family to support you?

I think it's terribly tough OP.

His position (no kids) was clear from the start, when you had an illness that might have made the pill less effective other contraception was also used, so it sounds like you both did what you could to prevent this situation from occurring.

He's completely out of order to threaten a hate campaign / be rude about this, he's allowed his opinions and thoughts but he shouldn't be taking it out on you.

Personally I'd be bearing in mind that it's still early days and there are options if you want them, are you able to seek support from a friend or perhaps GP?

It's all down to what you want at this moment, but I'd be bearing in mind the fact that the child would be yours and his - would you want to go it alone (if he denied all parentage) both financially and physically, or if he did a u-turn and wanted involvement, would you be happy that for the rest of your life you are tied to him via a child?

It's a lot to consider and no one can know what's best in your situation apart from you.

Hi @quietnightmare sorry you're going through this, you are not in the wrong xx
I would not terminate the pregnancy and keep the baby.
Sending you lots of strength and positive vibes to get through this time x

Well, you've clearly been extraordinarily unlucky for a couple who were using oral contraception, aware of the side effects of a DV-type bug, used prophylactics but still got pregnant AND are aware at six weeks.

ChatGPT, is that you?

I would terminate. I would not want to be tied to this kind of man.

But only you can decide what to do for you.

I'm sorry you're facing all of this, it's so much to process especially with pregnancy hormones!
It takes two to tango though - pregnancy will always be a potential consequence of being sexually active, no contraception is 100% safe... This definitely isn't all on you❤
His threats need to stop though and honestly I'd consider reporting to the police if it continues.
It's absolutely your choice about whether or not you continue the pregnancy and it's a huge decision to make either way. I think you need to ask yourself if you'd live to regret a termination? If you would, can you accept potentially having this man in yours and baby's life for the next how many years? And if he really isn't interested in being a parent at all, are you prepared to be a single mum? It's alot to weigh up, but only you know what you're willing to live with.

Do what YOU want to.

Surely it's pretty normal to know at six weeks? I knew earlier than that with all three of my pregnancies.

If he was clear that he didn't ever want kids then he could have had the snip (these days it is even reversible sometimes if he changed his mind later on).

Sod him, do what you want. If he's not willing to be a big boy and step up then make sure you keep nice comprehensive records of all the threats and abuse. Screenshots, record phone calls (most mobiles will record calls), everything....

Then when baby arrives give him one last chance to do the right thing, just before you take him to the cleaners in court!

If you want the baby just cut him off and raise it yourself, if he comes after you saying that you’ve done one on him say yeah you’re right it’s not even yours. IF you want it that is. Can you afford a baby, do you have a stable enough lifestyle, have you got support? Deep down you’ll know.

I'm sorry OP, that's really tough. He sounds like an awful person. I understand being upset at a life change he didn't expect, but nothing prevented him from using secondary contraception to prevent pregnancy. Surely he knows that contraception isn't 100% effective all the time? If he is threatening you, you can report this to the police. Keep any texts or voicemails detailing this.
Personally, I wouldn't continue the pregnancy with that as a "father" but it is fully your decision to make. My preference shouldn't have any sway over yours. The very best of luck to you whatever you choose to do OP.

Given you are only six weeks pregnant, I wouldn't dream of having a baby with a man like this. I would try to get as far away from him and have as few links as possible. If you have a baby then he will be in your life for good.

I don't think you should let any decision about your body and your pregnancy be swayed by such a pathetic man. If you want the baby, then please continue with the pregnancy.

You say he is ranting and making threats, but you can absolutely cut him off and refuse to engage with this. You don't have to explain or justify yourself to him; he's shown you who he is. Block him, and give yourself the space to make a decision of your own.

Your body your choice.

I wouldn't want to be linked anyway with such a man.

If he acts like this now, how will he be in the future? He has shown you his true self, this is the real him, believe it and get out
It is your body and your choice and I wish you health and happiness , whatever your future holds

You have done nothing wrong and his behaves abhorrent. Yes, it might not be ideal and it may be unwelcome but it’s a risk if you have sex

Why hasn’t he had a vasectomy if he’s so adamant he doesn’t want kids?

Personally I wouldn’t have the baby because men like him are utter nightmares. He’ll be back giving you bollocks for years to come. I have seen it play out and it’s years of hell.

But if you want the baby have it and try to keep him as far away as possible.

I would terminate, you dont want to be dealing with this man for the rest of your life. I have been a single parent, its doable but not easy. At times its very difficult too. I dont know your financial situation but life has no guarantees and a lot can change in an instant. I wouldn't be having kids with a man who acts this way. Not a good person

As someone previously said, if he really didn't want a child he could have had the snip (but then some men thinks this diminishes their manhood 🤷)

Think about what you want to do. There is a lot of difference between not actively choosing to have a child and choosing to have an abortion. Ultimately that decision is yours. Lots of people go it alone.

Whatever happens though - personally I couldn't after this be with a man who treated me like this. Take two to tango accidents happen. It's how you deal with them that matters xxx

At the end of the day - make the right decision for you - not anyone else xxx

There are 3 choices, terminate if you decide that is what you want, not what you are being pressured into. Bring up the baby on your own but have to cope with the crap he will bring for the next 18 years. Or go it totally alone, can you afford to manage without any maintenance from him, keep yourself housed, afford childcare & manage to have a reasonably good life. Do you think he would sign away his rights as a parent? If so, you need to get it done legally, have a written agreement drawn up by a solicitor that is signed & witnessed, not just him saying that is what he wants now & then waltzing in & tipping you & your dc lives upside down in the future.

Do you really want to be tethered to this person for the rest of your life?

Leave, be free, find someone worthy of your eggs