Exhausted trying to be empathetic

[JemimaBakes]

Just posting to see if anyone can relate to this feeling. I would say I’m a nice person. I would never ever deliberately hurt anyone and would apologise immediately and make amends if I did. I’m definitely a ‘caregiver’ and go out of my way to take care of people I love, although admittedly this is in ‘physical’ ways (making them food, helping with difficult tasks, taking care while sick etc) rather than in providing emotional support.

so I know I’m not a bad person or unsympathetic but I think I struggle with empathy and it’s causing me worry that it will affect my long term relationships.

some examples include:
A close friend was caring for her very ill parent. I provided lots of physical support (shopping, helping clean the parents house, calling to check in every so often) but I must admit I internally found listening to the same worries over and over really wearing. Which was ridiculous, as obviously my friend was very emotional and wanted her feelings validated repeatedly.

another example - DD has been struggling with some friendship issues. Again, I really want to help her. I’ve read some books/ a podcast on how to parent through friendship issues, set aside time to listen to her worries etc because I want to support her, but my underlying natural instincts are to just say ‘sometimes friendships change, it’s a part of life’ rather than provide sympathy for months on end.

I guess I feel like I’m performing emotional support and I genuinely want to support but I’m not genuinely empathetic? I find it tiring.
I suspect it might be because I have a very limited emotional range myself, in turn I suspect this is tied to childhood abuse where (amongst other things) I was often hit for any show of emotion. as an adult, I think I appear emotionally resilient to others but in fact, I just don’t feel that much emotion.

has anyone dealt with similar or, even better, changed this aspect of themselves?

I want to support her, but my underlying natural instincts are to just say ‘sometimes friendships change, it’s a part of life’ rather than provide sympathy for months on end

You can say that...it's true. I've said similar to my DC when they've had friendship issues... you can be sympathetic at the same time though.

Sounds like you need more time to yourself to relax, recharge and focus on lovingly meeting your own needs. Boundaries grow naturally from there.

Sympathy and empathy is not the same thing, yoj don’t have to feel what they are feeling you just have to h fed stand that they are and maybe also why they are.

it is hard to listen without getting drained if it’s a lot and sometimes you might need to take a break or tell friend that you are used up and can’t listen any more.
mug friend doesn’t accept this then they are just using you as free therapy.

With children it’s different t of course, listening is the key isn’t it.

im not empathic at all and I really do t think you have to be.

I don't think there's anything wrong with this as long as you're listening and making the right noises. But there's also nothing wrong with saying you haven't got time right now and need to put yourself first. I don't have empathy in the sense of feeling other people's emotions or feeling emotional about their situations but I can give sympathy and advice.

Have you thought about counselling? You could say you're not great with feelings and have had a difficult childhood and it could be something you work on?

You sound like a lovely person. Get some therapy if funds allow - I think it could help you a lot. Usually it books in blocks of 6 sessions, it doesn't have to be a long term thing.

Your feelings are important, you matter in your own right. Do you do stuff for your own sake, just because you enjoy it, much?

Or Google "lack of empathy" and ideas to help. I don't think it's great to say "I just don't do empathy" as that will harm relationships/friendships down the line, and you miss out from making connections with people.

I do think a good counsellor can help tons. They can be free through iapt (local free access nhs) but you'd have to demonstrate its a problem /causing a problem in your life.

And yes absolutely childhood trauma can cause a "numbness" to your own emotions as well as those of others and exploring your own feelings and likes and dislikes can be hard work but so rewarding.

It sounds like you have "compassion fatigue". You need some time to recharge.

www.cma.ca/physician-wellness-hub/content/compassion-fatigue-signs-symptoms-and-how-cope#:~:text=What%20is%20compassion%20fatigue%3F,trauma%20can%20become%20their%20own.

Honestly? You provide support - sometimes practical support is the most helpful. You are not a therapist.

There comes a point where you have done as much as you are able. You haven't said how long you were helping your friend (and it does sound as though you have been really helpful).

I don’t think anybody wants to listen to the same worries over and over again. If a friend is in a situation they can’t change, see listening to them as like giving them space to release a bit of steam so that they don’t go pop.

It’s not always good to just listen to someone going on and on. By being an audience you can sometimes fuel obsessive thinking or take up space that could be better given to a conversation about solutions.

I think actions speak louder than words. You’re a helpful friend and you quite sensibly have doubts about listening to something on repeat.

I understand to an extent, I’m always really sympathetic/empathetic with friends, and when it’s my own DC I swear I feel their pain.

But as a manager in work I seem to be the go to therapist/always get lumbered with people with a lot of personal problems who bring them into work/maybe it’s just the sad state of society that so many people have these problems. And in that role, I find it really hard to listen to the same issues on and on (I’m a civil servant, not a therapist). I make all the right noises from a managerial point of view, referrals to Occupational Health and so on. But sometimes I just wish people would just be a bit more stoic for work at least as these aren’t people I’m friends with (and I never bring my problems into work!).

I think you can burn out a bit.

I used to be an LSA working with vulnerable children in secondary schools. My empathy for them didn't run out, but the competitive empathising in the department I worked in was unbearable and that wore me down a lot. It's the weight of the expectation I think

you’re not a bad person for feeling like that. It seems you’re very kind, maybe you have been doing more for others than for yourself recently. I know it’s easier said than done but take more time for yourself. And don’t feel guilty

OP I can relate, although have a different take on it.

I’m a massive empath, but make the distinction with how much empathy I can sustain. It’s exhausting, particularly because like you I express v little emotion myself but am very ‘sensitive’ to spotting it in other people; the tiniest vibe in a room I pick up on and people seem to share a lot with me. I don’t reciprocate the sharing and after initial conversations of people downloading their worries etc. I find I’m maxed out.

Below might be helpful:

There are some difficulties that come with being highly empathetic. For example, if an individual is highly empathetic and other people come to them for advice, this oversharing of negative emotions may be harmful to the empath.
Empaths may also feel burnoutTrusted Source, leading to a temporary loss of empathy and compassion, if they find it difficult to sort through their own emotions as well as those of other people.
Empaths may feel sad, exhausted, or inadequatewhen faced with another person’s negative emotions, especially if they feel that they cannot help. Therefore, it is important for an empath to take a step back and take time for themselves to help prevent burnout.

I feel exactly the same.

i recently relinquished a manager role I was training for because I couldn’t take much more of hearing about other peoples problems. My job was to train & coach people in a certain role, not deal with their emotional/mental health worries.

It probably sounds really callous in this day and age, but I felt out of my depth. I’m good at my job, if I’m having a bad day I just crack on with work - but that’s me not everyone is the same.