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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex didn’t send birthday gift for child

19 replies

NottodaySatann · 24/05/2023 08:11

Hi.

So just like the title suggests, my ex husband didn’t send our 5 year old girl a birthday present last week.

We had an awful divorce and he’s chosen his new girlfriend and her kids over our child (he hasn’t seen our daughter in 4 months but still threatens to take her from me still etc).

My ex and his family all sent a card to my daughter but nothing else. He destroyed me financially (long story but he knows I struggle) so I’m still just finding my feet and getting money saved but it would have been so handy to be sent new clothes for her or even some new books.

My daughter did ask if anything was sent but in her dads card he said ‘I have lots of presents for you’ just none of which were sent.

I guess he wants to keep them all at his house?

AIBU to expect my ex to send his child a gift on their birthday?

YABU - the card says he has lots of gifts at his place, she’ll get them whenever she sees him next.

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 24/05/2023 08:14

He's happy to taunt her with gifts he has no intention of giving her. I can see why he's an ex.

CadburyDream · 24/05/2023 08:15

Yep had similar but didn’t know if I was being unreasonable ex came down to take our children out for one of their birthdays and didn’t even bring a gift or card 🤦🏻‍♀️ yanbu definitely should have sent something

Original poster
NottodaySatann · 24/05/2023 08:17

Conkersinautumn · 24/05/2023 08:14

He's happy to taunt her with gifts he has no intention of giving her. I can see why he's an ex.

Yeah. He was a complete w*maker to us both if I’m completely honest and he’s butchered me emotionally, financially (physically at many points during our marriage) but obviously my daughter doesn’t know this. She just sees daddy doesn’t want to spend time with her and only his new family and didn’t send her any gifts. It’s heartbreaking. But his family also following suit and not sending anything? I hate seeing my daughter upset but these twats

OP posts:
Original poster
NottodaySatann · 24/05/2023 08:19

CadburyDream · 24/05/2023 08:15

Yep had similar but didn’t know if I was being unreasonable ex came down to take our children out for one of their birthdays and didn’t even bring a gift or card 🤦🏻‍♀️ yanbu definitely should have sent something

So sorry you had to experience this too. These ‘men’ 🙄Thanks as well, I thought may have been skewed because of my own experience with him but I do think he should have sent something to his little girl

OP posts:
Equalitea · 24/05/2023 08:37

Can she see him and get the presents?

Original poster
NottodaySatann · 24/05/2023 08:53

Equalitea · 24/05/2023 08:37

Can she see him and get the presents?

The short answer is no. My exs new partner hurt my little girl on purpose and so my ex has chosen not to see our little girl until I allow her to be around the girlfriend again (that won’t happen) so there’s no real date as to when her dad will see her, hence why I kind of thought he’d send something.

OP posts:
Whatthefuck3456 · 24/05/2023 09:18

What did the partner do to hurt your child

Equalitea · 24/05/2023 09:19

I imagine that his story will be that you are withholding access because you don’t like his GF. So he can’t give her presents as isn’t allowed to see her. Could he see your child in a public place? Eg you drop her to McDs or a play are or something and wait outside so that you have the comfort that she won’t be hurt in public?

Did you report his GF to the police for hurting your child?

Original poster
NottodaySatann · 24/05/2023 09:27

Equalitea · 24/05/2023 09:19

I imagine that his story will be that you are withholding access because you don’t like his GF. So he can’t give her presents as isn’t allowed to see her. Could he see your child in a public place? Eg you drop her to McDs or a play are or something and wait outside so that you have the comfort that she won’t be hurt in public?

Did you report his GF to the police for hurting your child?

The woman hit my daughter and left a hand print on her, the girlfriend even admitted doing it and social services have been involved.

I’ve said my ex can see his daughter in a visitation centre as he has point blanked refused to keep his girlfriend away from my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
NottodaySatann · 24/05/2023 09:29

Whatthefuck3456 · 24/05/2023 09:18

What did the partner do to hurt your child

She hit my daughter on her leg. She left a mark so it was pretty obvious something happened. My ex has been with this woman 9 months but has said our daughter ‘deserved it’ as she was having a tantrum. I don’t hit my child and my ex never did when he was here but he a taken his girlfriend side completely

OP posts:
AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 24/05/2023 09:31

Sounds like you need to get rid of him out of her life entirely...

Can you see about getting sole custody? Sounds like you would have a strong case for it and then he can't keep threatening to take her away and she doesn't have to keep getting emotionally hurt by Daddy not wanting her

Original poster
NottodaySatann · 24/05/2023 09:37

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 24/05/2023 09:31

Sounds like you need to get rid of him out of her life entirely...

Can you see about getting sole custody? Sounds like you would have a strong case for it and then he can't keep threatening to take her away and she doesn't have to keep getting emotionally hurt by Daddy not wanting her

I’d love sole custody but he’s very controlling and he now uses my daughter against me. I know he wants me to contact him about the present situation (I won’t) and he always says he’s going to go for 50/50 which he hasn’t so far but it does worry me if he does

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 24/05/2023 09:40

Can you arrange a visit to a safe house in the family - like his parents or brother- so your daughter can see them and her father from time to time without the girlfriend?
Would your daughter write a thank you card to her grandparents and be able to drop it off and thus see them for an hour?
Could your daughter invite her grandparents to afternoon tea at yours every month?
Surely the grandparents don't want their granddaughter smacked. This is quite sad; I don't know of a sustainable happy interaction that can take place between your daughter and her family. What do the authorities advise?

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 24/05/2023 10:01

I'd leave the ball in his court, don't contact him about this, if he wants to see his daughter he can reach out and set it up. If he's not prepared to be a regular part of her life and he's prioritising his GF over her like this she may well be better off without him in her life. My Dad dipped in and out of our lives, for a few years post divorce, sometimes one off us got a birthday gift and the other didn't, sometimes he'd call randomly or not call, miss important dates, promises to turn up forgotten. He got remarried and told us the day after. Despite no longer having a father we all did a lot better mentally after he finally checked out for good.

MintJulia · 24/05/2023 10:06

Conkersinautumn · 24/05/2023 08:14

He's happy to taunt her with gifts he has no intention of giving her. I can see why he's an ex.

This

How on earth can such a cruel individual call himself a parent 😮

She, and you, are well rid of him.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 24/05/2023 10:14

Is the woman not being prosecuted for attacking your child? Abusers love using gifts as a tool to stir up drama, just focus on helping your child through the trauma she’s sadly had to endure.

Original poster
NottodaySatann · 24/05/2023 10:34

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 24/05/2023 10:14

Is the woman not being prosecuted for attacking your child? Abusers love using gifts as a tool to stir up drama, just focus on helping your child through the trauma she’s sadly had to endure.

If I’m completely honest, child services have been absolutely horrific. I’ve never had anything to do with them before and I was genuinely shocked how horrible they all are (I’m hoping I got the bad bunch and not every social worker is like this). They said the girlfriend is part of ‘dads life’ and was disciplining ‘the child’ as she saw fit (I obviously told them I didn’t see it this way and was aghast they could suggest this). They want her dad to see her as normal and have basically insinuated that I’m stopping him (I’m not, he can see my daughter at a visitation centre if he refuses to keep the abuser away from my daughter).

My daughter still talks about the incident and I feel endlessly sorry for her that no one protected her and I wasn’t there. I want to destroy the woman but I obviously can’t do that. It’s a real mess and now he’s using the gifts (or lack of) as a taunt to a five year old child.

OP posts:
ItsNotWhatItsNot · 24/05/2023 16:50

Did you not report the assault to the police?

Beautiful3 · 09/10/2023 07:54

No don't tell her about the promise of presents. Just say nothing's arrived from your dad, which is true. Keep every card from her birthday and write on the back, no present this year. When she's older and understands better, if her dad claims to have sent gifts. Show her the cards, with the note on the backs.

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