To think something is up

[Lonelycats]

I think my husband is lying to me. I think he has found someone new.

He seems completely checked out. We haven’t been intimate since years and when I brought it up, asking why he doesn’t seem interested, he blames me and says I’m the one who doesn’t seem up for it, and that he basically takes care of himself these days if you see what I mean. He claims he would love to restart a physical relationship with me but I’m the one who is cold towards him. He’s not entirely wrong, I just feel so ugly and unattractive these days (we are having financial issues and things like mani/pedi waxing have all gone out the window)

I am 99% sure he had at least an emotional affair some years ago. A coworker’s name kept popping up on the daily in a way which seemed unusual for him. A friends husband works in the same industry and received a Christmas card from his team, where he was holding her and another young female coworker around their waists, him in the middle, all of them in marching ugly Christmas jumpers - he thought it looked odd and showed his wife who then showed me the card, I felt humiliated but my husband just said it was fine as a joke. I also recall taking our children to the annual Christmas party in his office and wouldn’t you know it, she’s outside by coincidence just in time to get a look at us all. It’s an office with thousands of employees so it just felt like she wanted to see his family. I brushed it aside at the time but it all felt off.

he also went through a phase with keeping his phone upside down at all times and turning off notifications.

And now he spent a week abroad on a business trip, I thought I’d leave it to him to keep in touch this time - he called us only twice… out of sight out of mind.

And now, his second day home after a week away, he has a dinner with an old friend. It’s 11.30 and no sign of him. He has had issues with how much he drinks at work events to the point where he gets lost on his way home and I have to pick him up from tube stations far far away, he’s half asleep, that sort of thing, it stresses me to bits as I picture him dead/robbed/whatever at these times when I don’t hear from him, so he promised not to do that again and to keep me updated on his ETA when out but no word from
him today

i think he has someone else. I have health issues which make me so tired I barely care about any of this to be honest, but I do worry about what would happen to me and the children financially if he were to leave us. What do I do? I am scared he will just spring something unpleasant on me one of these days, he will tell me he is leaving, and I’m not prepared for that financially or otherwise

It’s also my mother’s birthday today, she does not long ago and it’s a difficult day for me. Insensitive of him to leave me alone today but that’s another story

What should I do…

Sorry, there are a million typos and it’s incoherent but I’m a bit stressed…

Oh dear! I'm really sorry to hear all of this OP, and think you're probably right about him having a relationship elsewhere. I'm also sorry to hear that you've lost your Mum, which obviously won't be helping with your mental health. Can I ask, are you getting any treatment for depression, only it sounds like with poor health, and the loss of your Mum that you're really struggling. I don't want to kick you while you're down, but it does really sound like you too have checked out of your marriage, what with no sex, and not taking care of yourself. I totally understand that money is short, as so many of us are in this situation at the moment, but can you really not make the effort to do yourself a manicure and pedicure, and maybe at least shave, if you can't do your own waxing? I'm suggesting you do these things for you, not him, as we all tend to feel a bit better when we know we're looking good, although suffering from severe ill health myself, I do understand how hard it can be to make the effort to do these things.

You don't mention how many children you have, nor what ages, so it's hard to give you advice about what to do if he should suddenly announce that he's off, but once again, however rough you're feeling you really do need to be prepared for this. So, my advice would be, go see your GP and ask for help with your mental health/depression, it's all too easy to get depressed when you're unwell long term, and that makes you lethargic, hence can't be bothered to make the effort with your personal care, or your marriage. Then, once you've got some help and are feeling hopefully a bit more like your normal self, I think you should contact a solicitor to see if you can get some free advice as to where you would stand financially if your 'H' walks out. That way, at least if the worst should happen, you'll have some idea of how you stand, and what you may need to do.

I'm sorry if any of what I've said sounds in the least bit harsh, as I really DO understand how easy it is to slip into depression under the circumstances you describe, but as you've mentioned children, for their sake, if nothing else, you really do need to get some help, and your GP has to be the first port of call as far as I can see.

Certainly sounds like he's up to no good!! I'm so sorry, you will be heartbroken 💔 sending u lots of virtual hugs. Take care and look after yourself

Yes, sounds bad. Even if he's not cheating, he sounds distant.

I'm sorry about your Mum! That's so sad, and if course you're unhappy.

I think you will find a way without him. Even if you separate, he's still financially responsible for your children. You deserve better, OP.

Sorry for what you're going through, you both sound distant from each other.