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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Struggling with my partners involvement in parenting

3 replies

PartnerProblems · 23/05/2023 09:59

Hi everyone,
I'm feeling quite torn and conflicted about a situation at home, and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or if my concerns are valid. I hope you can offer me some advice or perspective.

Background: I'm a stay-at-home mom to our two children, a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old. My partner works full-time and is generally a loving and caring father. However, there's an issue that's been bothering me for a while, and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable about it.

The problem lies in my partner's involvement in parenting. While he does spend time with the children, I feel like the majority of the childcare responsibilities fall on my shoulders. I handle the day-to-day routines, discipline, appointments, and all the emotional and physical labor that comes with raising kids. My partner tends to be more of a "fun" parent, playing with the children when he's available but rarely taking on the less enjoyable tasks.

Now, I understand that our roles may differ since I'm the primary caregiver. However, I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and it would be a huge help if my partner could step up more and share the load. I've tried discussing this with him calmly, but he doesn't seem to understand the extent of my frustration and how it's affecting me.

Recently, I raised my concerns again, expressing the need for more support. His response was that he works hard to provide for our family and feels entitled to relax during his time off. While I appreciate his hard work, I can't help but feel like I'm being taken for granted and that my partner's lack of involvement is unfair to both me and our children.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting my partner to be more involved in parenting? Should I accept that this is just the way things are? I love my partner, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to handle everything on my own.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 23/05/2023 10:10

You’re absolutely not being U, but this is sadly very common with SAHMs. The working parent thinks that they go to work and earn money and that’s it- they’ve done their bit.

I think the only thing I’ve seen work is that the SAHP gets a job and then on the back of that says that the household management needs to be re-balanced. The other advantage is that both parents have a degree of financial independence.

Or the other thing is outsourcing what you can. But sadly this sort of situation rarely resolves itself very well, I’ve seen couples endure years of resentment on both sides and then split up.

MichelleScarn · 23/05/2023 10:15

Agree with @Heronwatcher, it also depends what you mean re sharing tasks.
Should it be 50/50 responsibility when you are both home, absolutely! Are you wanting him to do nursery drop off and pick up and be late/leave work early on a daily basis because you don't want to, less fair!

sparkellie · 23/05/2023 10:15

Yanbu.
If I were you I would take a part time job and tell him you expect him to take on more of the actual parenting.

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