Outgrowing friends

[Scorcher79]

Hi Folks,

My first time posting here and I'm looking for some impartial advice.
I'm a woman in my mid 40s and have a group of friends who met at teacher training college. There's 4 of us in the group and we've been friends for 16 years now. There's 2 ladies in the group that I've always liked and got along well with but there's a 3rd person who I've quite honestly sort of tolerated because the group of friends included her. In the last few years, I've found this 3rd person in the group very negative to be around and quite draining as a person. She has had a tough life and hasn't got much in the way of a support network and she 's single with no kids. I've tried to be supportive and understanding when she experienced bullying at work, fall outs with family members and more recently a relationship that none of us were very enthusiastic about because we found him quite controlling. However, I'm just sort of fed up of listening to the endless complaining and negativity from her. I feel like I'm being a bad friend for even admitting to this but I just think that she's been stuck in the role of a 'victim' for so long that she's no longer prepared to take any action on it. She's been in the same job for years (where she's experienced bullying and isolation) but doesn't seem to have made any efforts to get out of it and hasn't taken me up on any offers of advice or practical help such as helping her with cover letters and application forms. Recently we had a bit of a falling out as a result of a comment she made on Whatsapp that I found quite patronising and when I called her on it, things escalated to the point where she told me that I didn't value friendship beyond exchanging travel tips and advice (blatantly untrue as I'm currently supporting a good friend through cancer and also a friend who's been having a tough time in her marriage) and that she found how I expressed myself 'too strong' sometimes and said that if I wanted to 'argue with her', I'd best "stay away" from her as she couldn't handle it at the moment as an aunt of hers had died. I've told the other ladies in the group that while I still value their friendship, I wish to distance myself from this 3rd person and am happy to meet up with them separately (when the 3rd lady is not present!). This decision on my part was met with disappointment and I understand I'm essentially throwing a grenade into the group dynamic but I just don't enjoy this other lady's company any more...in fact I feel that she negatively affects my own mental health and I'd rather spend my time with more positive, optimistic people. Am I being incredibly judgemental and selfish?

I would have had to be prepared for the other 2 to distance themselves from me before I'd done this.

It's a shame to break the group dynamic and you risk being dropped as the three of them meet up instead. I guess you're looking for justification to exclude someone. Personally I can't give it. To me it's cruel. But I'm quite sure you'll get the opposite opinion from most people.

Friendships - especially long standing friendships - should, over time, cover all sorts of scenarios. Yes, we should support friends through difficult times, but when you do that, and the friend makes no attempt to help themselves, it becomes obvious that your support isn't needed.
Friendships should also be fun. They should be enjoyable.
If you aren't getting that from a friendship - or any sort of relationship - then you don't have to continue seeing that person. It is just draining, which isn't how friendships work.
It's not 'excluding' anyone. It's saying that you've reached a point where seeing this person isn't doing anything for you, so you aren't going to make that effort anymore.

The OP isn't trying to stop the other 2 from seeing her, she is just saying that she doesn't want to see her. That is fair enough. She is then pointing out that she'd still like to remain friends with the other 2 women, if they would like to.
Friendships evolve. There is no reason to keep on spending time with people who don't bring anything positive to your reltionship.

Not all friendships stand the test of time, and it sounds more like this woman was a "friendly acquaintance" v/s someone you truly had a bond with. So no, YANBU to distance yourself from someone you don't enjoy spending time with.

That said, it does put the other two in an awkward position as they'll need to exclude one of you in future get togethers. Just be prepared that the one getting excluded may be you.

When you get to the point where meet-ups are so draining/negative/irritating that you would rather not have them at all then it is time to step away from the friendship group.

You've told the other two people in the group your reasons and the ball is in their court now as to whether or not they want to bother with two separate meet-ups or you become xmas card friends or various other options.

I don't think you judgmental or selfish. After 16 years the final straw has landed and you've had enough, it's just not working anymore so it is time to move on.

Ive had a similar experiences with a 40 year friendship. Just because you've been friends for so long doesn't mean you have to carry on if things are not working and you feel you need to move on and getting nothing out of the friendship anymore which is what I have done