Ex leaves kids alone

[Squashymum]

My ex has our younger two girls, aged 9 and 11 every other weekend, unless that clashes with a work event, which through the summer is frequent. However, I have found out that he is leaving them alone in the house several times a day to attend to work matters. He can be gone any where from 10 mins to an hour. The girls never know long he is going to be out, they do have phones and he is rarely more than 2 miles away, but it upsets them. The Internet says its not illegal but I am not happy about it. I ensure my girls always have an adult in the house (me or my 18 year old daughter) as I think it's appropriate and safe. He did it several times last year and I told him it wasn't to happen and it stopped but now it turns out that it is a regular occurance, and he has told them not to tell me, and he has also stated to the girls that if I have a problem with it then he won't be able to see them any more at all and it will be my fault. I have suggested that he see them them in an evening on weekdays instead and return them home so they won't be left but he has said he cant do that either as he has ither commitments. It has also got to the point that I have had to threaten to suspend contact as he is smoking with them in the car. This is illegal and my 12 year old has asthma. I also have very real concerns of the cleanliness of his home, they complain it smells of animal urine and dirt. I have mentioned it several times but he says they are over reacting. Tbh he has lower than average stands of cleanliness and personal hygiene and his dirty scruffy ways are a big part of why we are not together. All I am asking is for the 4 days a month he sees the girls that he ensures the house is clean, he doesn't smoke in the car and he doesn't leave them alone at all .He refuses to agree and states that I am being unreasonable, ...am I

The leaving them alone wouldn't bother me. I leave my 11 yo DS alone for anything up to 1.5 hours. However, I wouldn't leave him if he was upset about it OR if I only saw him 4 days a month.

I also wouldn't be happy about him smoking in the car with them.

YANBU. I would perhaps not worry too much about the state of the house, or bring this up with him, but the smoking would really bother me.

Leaving them alone really isn't an issue as they are obviously responsible enough and is unfortunately something you can't control. While they are with him it's up to him to decide what happens.

The smoking in the car is the only real issue here

I wouldn't be happy either.
The smoking in particular is out of order, more so that he is aware of your daughter's asthma and still smokes around her.

The smoking is a problem. The rest is not really, and you need to let go. You don't get any say over anything that's not illegal and by complaining about everything you are not focussing on the important part of your list of complaints - smoking in the car. There still isn't anything you can do about it but you might stand more of a chance if you focus on just that.

So he doesn’t live with them, but during the precious time he has with them he frequently disappears to ‘work’ and they don’t know when he’ll be back. He’s also far too busy to have them any other time. And smokes in the car although his DD has asthma.

Taking the view that contact time is for the benefit of the children, I’m not surprised you’re thinking of pausing it. What do the girls say about their time with him - does he do things with them, talk to them, take them out?

Meridian B. More often than not they are upstairs in their bedrooms and he is downstairs in his den. They are jot allowed out of the house on their own and he will often promise to do things with them prior to collection and then changes his mind when they are there. Its getting harder and harder to get them to go , this visit just gone he only had them for 1 day as he had a work thing and they were on the phone to me by lunchtime in tears because they were home alone and he had changed his mind about going out for a walk. Its hard to look them in the eye and be positive when they ask why he can't put them first for a change.

Wow. He sounds super selfish if he can’t even take them to the park. He’s just not giving them any time. How sad for them.

If they said they didn’t want to go would he buck his ideas up?

i would not be making them go

if they say they dont want to go, have their backs "ok, " simple but they know you have their backs

MeridianB, it's not unusual for them to refuse to go. I try to remain positive and encouraging because I won't be that parent. My issues with him are mine not theirs .But they are old enough to see things how they are for themselves. On those occasions he doesn't really respond further than OK, doesn't ask for their reasons or if I offer to try to change their mind he says never mind. I am not sure if he feels rejected or sees it as any easy out for a free weekend. He doesnt ring them in between visits either, and rarely picks up if they try to ring him because he is busy with work stuff. He doesn't do emotion, never has.

They’re old enough to decide not to go if they’re unhappy there (realistically it’d take ages to get to court). They’re also old enough to tell their dad if they’re unhappy or want to change the arrangement. I wouldn’t get too involved.