Boarding school - PTSD?

[GingerAle1]

Hi
Trying to keep this generic
Please don't make it a row about schools

If you thought a young person had PTSD from boarding school, would you say anything? They have left but their only source of support is their parents, who obviously sent them to boarding school. They are 19.

I don't want to cause a rift but thought that they might benefit from therapy. They are currently unable to live what I'd call a normal life because they absolutely cannot cope with loud noises etc. I feel this person has sort of approached us with a cry for help but my worry is if I put this idea on the table, it might cause a family rift.

Stay out of it and just help with specific things when asked? Now I think I've seen signs of it, I can't unsee it.

there is a recognised condition, Boarding School syndrome https://www.joyschaverien.com/boarding-school-syndrome-the-psychological-trauma-of-the-priviledged-child/
So I think it's entirely possible this young person is struggling.
Could you gently suggest some counselling, maybe make some enquiries yourself as BSS is not well known.
You don't need to name the cause of their difficulties (as at this stage it's unknown) but just that they're struggling and perhaps could do with some impartial support.

As they are an adult, can you support them without having to talk to the parents yourself? Maybe you can support them with talking with their parents?

What is your relation to the young person?

I think it's fine to mention that they might need some professional MH support. I don't think it's for you to diagnose PTSD or say that it was caused by boarding school.

There may well be MH issues arising from life events, but PTSD is a very specific diagnosis, not a catch-all term for anything that arises after a traumatic event. Reaction to noise isn't necessarily a symptom.

The person concerned is now adult. Can you talk to them about their well-being?

If you feel you cannot talk to the parents without causing a family rift, then you need to balance the risk of that v the risk of not talking to them. Would they encourage their DC to seek medical help? What is the likelihood you could persuade them to try?

The relationship is family friend, I guess.
Thanks to the poster who said about loud noise. I only thought of it because I've seen it twice in army vet friends of DH's and it hasn't ended well for them.

My concern is that in suggesting any kind of therapy, even if I keep quiet about the boarding school aspect, it will cause a rift within the family, and apart from us, their parents are the only support they have.

Being brutally frank, if it does cause a rift with parents, then I wouldn't want them asking to live with us, which is a possibility.

I also wonder if they just need to realise they need help, but atm all I can see is almost an inability to live a "normal" life. Lots of gaming going on. Pathetically grateful when invited out with us - we had Sunday lunch yesterday. Standard pub noises have them jumping out of their skin.

No job, a theoretical plan to go to uni at some point. There's probably 100s of young people like this though. Clearly didn't want to go home yesterday but we were doing cinema after lunch and apparently they can't cope with cinema.

I think parents might be angry at suggestion of counselling. Older child went to same school and was fine, enjoyed it.

You can guide the young person towards supports, if they are wanting that. As an adult they can decide for themselves, with our without the parent. What you describe could also be a sensory issue. Can they talk to their GP?

Their medical care is all private but I would guess they have to go via parents for money.

That depends where you are. There can be free or low cost services. If not a GP, a community social worker (can often find these free at community agencies) can advise on options.

My mother was sent to boarding school at age 9. It has effected her mentally. She is high functioning but it has affected her in the way that she fears abandonment and is v needy, and also stays with an abusive husband as a (partly) result of that. She felt resentful that her loving parents "dumped" her there , she was happy at home and was loved by them both. It was a huge shock for her. she self harmed by pulling her hair out.

I would encourage this person to seek trauma based therapy . I am currently having it due to CPTSD from decades of abuse and it has been a game changer. I wonder if there are trauma therapists who specialise in boarding school trau ma? I expect there are, and it's worth looking into.

I can't advise on the boarding school/PTSD issue but there are ways to live a "normal" life with sensory sensitivities. I'm autistic and have a very low tolerance for noise, so I've had to adapt in order to live my life more comfortably.

Workplaces will generally make accommodations. For example, I have my own office and wear headphones at my desk. I have good quality active noise cancelling headphones for travelling. I have a couple of pairs of Loop earplugs for when I need discreet noise reduction (although I don't like wearing them because I can hear inside my head 😖). I also have ear defenders for environments where there will be crowds.

It's not easy (I had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago because someone was using a petrol lawn mower outside my window) but a few adjustments can make it tolerable.

If that person is 19 you can have that conversation with them privately maybe asking for confidentiality on your behalf e.g. get them not to speak to the rest of their family? Offer support quietly, raise it between you and them only maybe.

I wouldn’t mention anything about ptsd or boarding school, just feedback what issues you are noticing at the moment…I presume it’s a teen boy ? sadly it’s a classic age at which mental health conditions can start to present. Perhaps he may also have undiagnosed neurodiversity? Certainly boarding school syndrome can be an issue for some but thats not possible for you to say, often it’s an issue where a teen moves from a very highly structured life to one where there’s no routine or specific boundaries, some teens can just flounder if they have no personal goals or driver for their own future plans.

Tbh I think they'd go straight to their parents with it

they're actually 20. It might be a case of just recovering from it all?

thanks, I think I should probably keep quiet. I don't want to open a can of worms. I just felt they were pretty broken when we met them (through DD) and then yesterday I had a sudden feeling of "should we do something". But I suspect it's a very delicate situation. You know when you see a child occasionally, I thought they were unhappy but I know the older sibling was fine boarding.

they keep saying "well, I can tell you this story about school" ...then tells a non-story, makes it out to be a joke, and I sense it's not what they originally planned to say?

they give a strong impression of having had some psychological experiences there. Also I am using "they" as their preferred pronoun.

maybe this is too big an issue to do more than just do the odd invite for a meal. We actually didn't have DD with us yesterday, it was more that we bumped into them at a loose end, and the rest of us, including my godson who knows them, were doing pub lunch and film, so said to come along.

At age 19 no need to go via their parents direct. If the 19 year old chooses to tell them, that's up to them, but better to speak to them adult to adult, as it were.

If it were me I wouldn't be able to stay quiet, if I felt that telling them could help them. There must be a way around it tactfully. At the end of the day if the MH is at risk then I would say something. There must be a gentle, tactful way to do it without hurting them or their family members or causing a big scene. We are talking about an adult here not a child.

God, totally this!! They're an adult, whatever you decide, do not involve the parents!!

PTSD is a recognised issue with children who have been institutionalised in boarding schools.
I would flag that they need help, perhaps play down the cause because the parents will be very defensive - the best education, boarding schools aren’t like the old days, made him/ her independent, amazing resources, life long friendships blah blah

@Greenlight1 if someone is struggling with PTSD or similar, some form of therapy should be sought. Counselling or otherwise. Or are you the kind of person who would rather just sweep it under the rug?

I never said I would - I said THEY will involve their parents, which makes me reluctant to raise it.

Boarding school trauma is a very real thing I have seen it first hand!! Take a look on Youtube at Piers Cross, he has a lot to say about it and talks to many people in the know on his shows. He's very lovely and might be able to give you some advice if you leave him a message at the bottom of a recent show. you can also contact him on his website https://www.piers-cross.com. Yes you certainly should say something, if you havent already. No child should ne left to suffer, if this isnt sorted out they will suffer for the rest of their lives and have problems with relationships and mental health. Boarding schools should be band, it doesnt just hurt the child who is sent but their partner and their children, its generational unless its addressed. Also look at attachment styles, dismissive avoidant attachment style is an outcome of boarding school, a lone island, needs no one, but craves love, doesnt share emotions, dont show empathy, doesn't address their own emotions. Alternatively they can become anxious preoccupied, generally a nervous wreck!! Hope the person you were speaking of is getting the correct treatment and is on the way to recovery!!! All the best x