To let my low self-esteem stop something potentially great?

[IcedCoffee87]

I started talking to someone a while ago - we live quite far apart and I’m a single parent so we’ve found it hard to meet up as of yet. We get along really well and I could definitely potentially see myself with this person, we’ve got really close in the time that we’ve been speaking, have a lot in common etc.

There’s just one thing holding me back - I have such low self esteem about my looks. I had an ex partner who constantly put me down about them and I haven’t been confident enough to date since. I’ve got quite bad skin, my teeth aren’t straight in the slightest and that’s the part that really knocks me down - I take decent photos and whenever we’ve FaceTimed I’ve done my best to hide them so I’m pretty sure they’ve never actually seen me smile - but to me I just think they look absolutely awful (they are clean etc, just all over the place, some are more back than others etc).

No-one has ever had anything bad about my smile other than my ex who was abusive anyway, and I am starting cosmetic work on my teeth later on this year - but it’s making me not want to meet this person who I’m speaking to until I look ‘perfect’ basically - because I’m genuinely so worried what they’ll think when they see them and see that I’m not as attractive in real life.

I genuinely think things could turn out great with this person but it’s like my mind and all my worrying just physically won’t let me take that next step with them and it’s driving me mad!

Any advice? TIA x

Forgot to add - I have casually mentioned to them that I have issues with my teeth and they know I’m getting work done etc - but they don’t know or have seen the extent of it so they think it’s pretty minor etc x

Bump x

Not sure what to advise. I suppose you could take a more honest photo and send it to him. If he still wants to meet you then you know he's seen the real you already. If not, you've not lost anything. Or just go and see what happens. If he doesn't like you as you are then you wouldn't want him anyway. Good luck.

Do you really want to be with someone who would prefer you with straighter teeth? You might (or might not) prefer yourself but it should only matter to you.

Consider meeting him sooner rather than later if possible, keeping it to the phone could lead to more of a fantasy relationship which might prove difficult for both of you to overcome.

Well, you could of course let your low self-esteem stop you.

But then you wouldn’t be any further along. By not meeting with this person, your self-esteem won’t increase- you’ll be low and lonely.

You may as well feel iffy about yourself while trying to get to know this person. You literally have nothing to lose.

Try to counteract that voice in your head that comes from your ex. Remind yourself of all the great things about you. What qualities and strengths you have, how you've managed to come out of an abusive relationship. Do a big 'glow up' if it makes you feel better. Change things that are easy and quick - fake tan, haircut, outfit, etc. Of course do the teeth alignment thing if you want, but don't fixate on it. It's unlikely to be the thing that makes another person find you attractive or not, and if the other person is that shallow they aren't a good or healthy person to be around.

Oh, and one other thing, don't show your insecurities too early. Don't draw attention to the stuff you don't like about yourself. Be aware that when you've been in abusive relationship it's common to be drawn towards other abusers. Don't give ammunition to anyone - give yourself time to work out whether this really is a good person for you to have in your life. Someone who will think you're amazing whatever your teeth look like. Good luck!

I think if most people waited until they looked 'perfect' - they'd still be waiting!!
I understand your insecurity but if you're already 'getting on' with each other
as you're communicating etc then I'd go for it and meet up.
'If he doesn't like you as you are then you wouldn't want him anyway' sums it up really. Useful mantra for us all I think.
Good Luck.

You're still channeling your ex's words, and he's so bloody wrong. You don't need to fix anything about yourself. I would, however, recommend since therapy to get that ex out of your head.

I have some wonky teeth and missing some back teeth.
I have stretchmarks
I have loose skin on my stomach
With my boobs, gravity is winning
I have some wrinkles

The above show me the life I've lived. Some not so good and so much amazing. I'm not defined by how I look but for who I am. This man likes you for who you are. Perfection is unobtainable.

I wouldn't be able to potentially see myself with someone who wouldn't get into a relationship with my because my teeth weren't straight enough. If that's enough to put him off, he's not for you.

Get out of your own way and let him decide. It sounds like you've got some hangovers from your previous relationship which is completely understandable, and if it wasn't your teeth it would be something else. Don't make excuses for what you see as "imperfections", you're rolling out the welcome mat for someone who might not have your best interests at heart and letting them know how to push your buttons before you've even met.

Also, consider the possibility that you meet up and he's a trout, with terrible hygeine and isn't quite what you're looking for! Protect your energy.

My teeth are similar - and I never noticed till my eldest told me NOT to give a teethy smile in the graduation photos. SO I've winged it this far on personality and not amazing just average looks, there's no reason why this nice person you've met online perhaps likes you for YOUR amazingly great personality too.