AIBU to still care about an old friend?

[Fizzypop88]

Ok so bear with me this is a bit self indulgent… To set the scene, I am mid-30s. When I went to university, I stayed in my new town, I never came home and I was in quite a controlling relationship at the time so I ended up cutting contact with all of my school friends. I did however keep in touch with my best friend (we had gone to different colleges, and she also was very consumed in her relationship and new friends at the time so I don’t think that she felt very abandoned by me, it was just a natural progression if that makes sense). So we kept in touch over the years, sending each other birthday cards and Christmas cards and catching up every 3/4 months. I was invited (and attended) to her hen do and wedding which was about 7 years ago, and in the last 15 years I’ve visited her a few times (maybe once every 2 years or so?).

However I’ve the last couple of messages I’ve sent her, for her birthday and he little boys birthday have been ignored. In fact I wonder if I might have been blocked and I don’t really understand why. I didn’t send her a birthday card or Christmas card this year, but I still messaged her. And that was on the back of her not sending me any for the last couple of years. I know she’s had health problems and been busy with her little boy so I assumed cards were maybe just too much faff, she still always messaged/sent pictures. So this Christmas I was quite stressed and ended up not sending cards. I did get one from her, but not until mid-January! I messaged her and we had a laugh about how shite Royal Mail is.

So that brings me to today - feeling like she might have just ghosted me/dropped the rope on our friendship. This has upset me and I want to know if IABU?

I understand it’s a weird situation, where we aren’t really friends anymore anyway so I shouldn’t be upset. We’ve had a polite friendship from a distance for many years, realistically only keeping in touch for old times sake literally at birthdays and Christmas. If I had any actual problems, I’d never tell her and I know she must be the same. So I’m telling myself that I’ve not really lost anything, I have some amazingly wonderful friends now and for the first time in my life feel loved and accepted and I’m focusing on that. But I just feel sad that this has happened, and I don’t understand from her perspective. I’m half minded to write to her and ask, but I won’t, because it’s just unnecessary. Can anyone offer any insight from her perspective? Or tell me to buck up and get over it!

I really think you’ve just drifted apart…nothing more than that really 🤷‍♀️

YANBU, but just let it go.

It could be anything, might simply be, people are less and less into cards, and less into inane messages (even though I like them).

Just let it slide, she might be broke or consumed by some mini drama with her child. She might want her privacy right now. People sometimes hide, due to some self esteem issue or poverty or just being over burdened. It's not you, it's just life.

Agree I think you’ve probably just drifted apart too far. I had a few schools friends I kept in contact with in a similar scenario, and as we’d kept in contact through university, our 20s, went to weddings etc, I thought we’d been friends long enough for it to be for life. However there was a definite shift to politeness/old time’s sake once we had children and now it has faded out altogether in our late 30s. I do feel a little put out, as it was MY messages that weren’t responded to, even though I’d largely sent them out of habit, and I did always feel a little inadequate as I moved back to our hometown whilst they live a more jet-set life. As far as I know the others don’t see each other either, but I still find it sad.
I always think about the saying that you have friends for ‘a reason, a season or a lifetime’.
It sounds like you have good friendships right now though, which many people struggle to find at this point in life!

Hi OP. It sounds like you were both going through the motions with your friendship, and one day she thought 'what's the point'. Her health problems probably made her refocus on her life too, and prioritise those closest to her.
There's nothing to lose by sending her a nice card or letter, as she perhaps has no idea that the friendship is still meaningful for you. If you do manage to rekindle, then a bit more effort is needed. I couldn't sustain a friendship on greetings cards alone, but would respond positively to meet-ups, phone calls, etc.

I have a couple of friends who I only hear from occasionally, and life can get in the way. I still care for them. There's no need to give up on the limited friendship you have if you don't want to.

Some advice though. "How are you?" is incredibly hard to answer when life is tricky, and so is more likely to be left a bit then forgotten. Tell her what you've been up to, and "I'll be in A place in Y week if you're around?", much easier to reply to.

@Freshlysteamedvajayjay yes! That’s exactly how I feel. I sort of assumed if we had sustained a friendship for this long, it would carry on. Even though realistically we have grown apart and literally the only thing we have in common is our shared teenage antics and some nostalgia.
We’ve definitely gone through the motions for a while, I’m just a bit put out that she has stopped replying even though the feeling is probably mutual.
But it’s helpful to know that I’m not the only one, I wondered if I was off given my lack of contact with school friends, but hopefully not haha!

@MRex yes definitely agree! Although I have tried that a couple of times to say that last summer and she’s not been receptive to meeting up despite me being the one to travel.
Perhaps I should have seen the writing on the wall then!

Yes, very true!

I guess I see myself. Also lost a close relative last year to add you things. Sometimes I probably haven't been in the right head-space to reply to messages, particularly from one dear friend who's always too busy asking about me when I would rather chat nonsense. Her life is hard and busy, but it won't always be, and I'm sure she cares deeply for you too.

This is totally normal tbh. Don’t overthink it or over-react, just roll with it.

When people have young kids/demanding jobs/busy lives it can be incredibly difficult.

People are very quick in my opinion to get the hump and confront people or ghost/block these days and it’s totally unrealistic.

It’s absolutely natural for friendships to wax and wane: a good friendship can absorb and withstand this but a lot of people shoot themselves in the foot by causing unecessary drama over this.

I very much doubt your friend had blocked you she is probably just busy and has no headspace. Just leave it, perhaps continue light contact to indicate that you are here for her if she needs you but don’t put demands on her. If it’s a good friendship you will probably find time and space for each other down the line. If not there is nothing to be gained from forcing it.