To be ripped apart by desperately wanting a baby??

[Cherryblossom99]

Hi, I'm aware that this can be a very sensitive topic but I'm not really sure where to turn.
So I'm in my mid twenties, not in a relationship but over the past couple of years I've had this growing broodiness.
The issue is that I just don't feel like anything I want in life is going to happen for me. I had a very traumatic childhood with abuse and it has affected by confidence deeply to the point where I feel unlovable and what I want is impossible.
I'm aware that emotionally I'm not in the right place for a baby and particularly due to my childhood, if I'm not right for it I wouldn't want to risk not being a good mum to my child and giving them the best upbringing. I'm at the age now where a lot of the girls I went to school with a having kids and it's igniting this pressure on me and the awareness that it's probably never going to happen because I'm not enough. Sorry if I'm not wording this well, I'm very emotional.
But now when I see that someone is pregnant/has given birth I feel like my chest has been ripped apart. I don't have a family to bring a child home to and have help, or those bonding experiences. I also have an eating disorder and they keep asking for my reasons to recover and one is so I can have kids. But deep down I don't think it's going to happen, I don't feel good enough or lovable enough. It's tearing me apart

Have you ever dealt with your initial trauma through councelling etc? You could be projecting all trauma from that on to this?

I would advise you become in the strongest place mentally you can be prior to having a child the sleep loss alone is torture

Sorry to hear you feel this way. Have you had any counselling?

I have had therapy and stuff in the past but never specific to my trauma. We've never really gotten into the root of my feelings about being a mum. I've said things like it doesn't feel realistic and I don't think it will happen for me.
My eyes have only been opened to these feelings in the last couple of days when I found out another girl a year older than me is pregnant.
It's not even 6am and I'm lying here trying to stop myself from crying with my heart breaking. Which I know sounds dramatic