"Normal" sibling behaviour

[AlternativelyWired]

Posting here for traffic. I'm not a fan of the word normal hence it being in inverted commas.

I have 2 dc at home aged 8 and 14 and they are constantly bickering and never have anything nice to say to each other. The 14 year old says her brother is annoying. I get that, he is annoying but that's no reason to treat him horribly. I didn't have siblings growing up and don't know what is normal between siblings in terms of squabbles, bickering and being downright nasty at times. They are step siblings but were close until Dd hit 13.

I've said that ds is annoying and he is but I don't know if its normal 8 year old boy behaviour either. I have found having a boy very different to girls. The girls were both awful at times but ds is so repetitive with things. He repeats words, names and phrases over and over thinking it's entertaining or funny. It's not, it's annoying. I've told him to stop but he doesn't. He is equally totally amazing in other ways. He is very bright, funny, articulate, creative, loving and caring and a loyal friend. As are the girls.

Both girls are neurodiverse as am I. Ds has a different dad but I'm starting to wonder if he might also be ND. That being so I'm trying to be more patient but I'm very overwhelmed with it all at the moment and the constant sniping and being generally horrible is getting me down.

Working out what is normal when I'm neurodiverse and have no experience of siblings is proving very difficult and I'm hoping other posters might be able to give me some reassurance and/or tips for dealing with this.

I’m a bit confused about who’s who. Who’s the other girl you talk about? Which one is your biological child and which one is your step-child? When did they start living with each other?

Generally what you’ve described is completely normal. I’ve got children with the same age gap and there are times when they can’t say a single nice word to each other and are winding each other up constantly and other times when they’re still really sweet together. I find clear boundaries help - they are not allowed in each others rooms unless invited and if they’re asked to leave they have to respect that - they both need their own space they can retreat to. One on one time doing things that they like is really important and I find it means they then cope more with doing stuff they’re less keen on.

Sorry, I've made a mess of explaining and used the wrong word for a start 🤦‍♀️ My daughters are from my marriage and my son is their half brother. Not step brother. I don't think of them in terms of halves. So the daughter that lives with me was 6 when my son was born. They are all my biological children. My eldest lives with her dad.
My daughters have half siblings on their dad's side too and can't stand them either so that's reassuring but yesterday on what should have been a lovely day out it really got to me.
It's reassuring knowing that it all sounds normal.

There are times when the bickering really wears me down - I totally get it. For us, the trigger points are usually at the start of school holidays. It’s almost like they’re already irritated about spending more time together before it even starts! If there is anything they both enjoy, I tend to prioritise that - mine both started playing Minecraft together and although it means yet more times on their screens, I tend to let them play longer if they’re getting on.

Otherwise, where possible, I try to let them sort things out themselves…but that’s a lot easier said than done when they’re both moaning to me about the other one!!

I’ve become more aware of things like PMT too. I’m beginning to recognise that my daughter’s tolerance for her younger brother is almost completely zero a few days each month!

I've told him to stop but he doesn't.
So what's the consequences for him not doing what he's told and continuing to wind up his sister?

Not in the UK here but if you are nearing the end of a school term, keep it at the front of your mind.

Siblings do bicker and you have daughters well into puberty and a boy not there yet. Your Girls will find boys irritating because they are at a different development stage. They will likely grow out of it in a few years.

Your son is still in childhood so will like the repetition of noises and actions. Whether this equals neurodiversity I can’t say. He will likely grow out of it in his own good time. If he has playdates, try to keep an eye out and see what he and his friends are doing that looks normal to them and that keeps them happy. I am reminded of author Thomas Kenneally talking about wife, daughters, granddaughters and finally a grandson. They are not like girls!

However, to my first point, your calendar will help you judge things better. You are coming to the end of the school term/year so there are stresses when everyone’s patience is stretched thin. Strict routine in some points will help as will relaxation of routine in other points in your family life. Kids like routine but also like to know that they will not be penalised if they are just totally strung out and at the end of their tether. DC is 17 now and it all still shows.

You say you are a neurodiverse only child. Let me offer some reading, please.
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=steve+biddulph&crid=72B7KJY616H2&sprefix=Biddulph%2Caps%2C376&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_3_8

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Dent.+Maggie&crid=2B5HC9LPDSHT8&sprefix=dent.+maggie%2Caps%2C383&ref=nb_sb_noss_2

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=celia+lashlie&crid=1UKF0RZ3IUZ65&sprefix=Lashlie%2Caps%2C377&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_2_7

Lastly, do not underestimate the effect social media and peers are having on your teenage daughters. Outside the house, life is very different and it needs strong, empathetic parenting to navigate it. All the best.