Inlaws - Never seem to do enough

[Henson2025]

Hello folks

I'm brand new to this and wanted to get a genuine independent feel and to know if I'm being too sensitive.

Me and my partner have been together for a number of years now and generally, I get on well with my inlaws. However, I'm often feeling like I don't do enough and little comments are wearing me down. I work full time in a pretty demanding job, and travel withw work a fair bit. I do fair amount of jobs in the home, but appreciate some jobs do drop off my radar. I'm a tradesman but have moved into a different role over recent years and perhaps that's why my partners folks maybe just expect me to do everything, or often tell me how awesome other people are.

I do genuinely love them like my family and this is not a love/hate thing here, I just feel like I'm never enough with the conversations we have when in their company; others are always doing more, and little comments are made which feel like a dig personally.

I thought I'm maybe being a bit of a sensitive soul, but I recently looked at what jobs I've done over the years just to do a sanity check on myself. I truly believe I help out and DIY a fair amount; I do the ironing, housework, shopping, I'm up early AM sorting house bits out, and contribute towards all of the home renovations financially, even though im not on the mortgage. Sadly; none of this appears to be recognised, and it always appears like I don't do enough. This has been a while now and it's really wearing me down, I've opened up to my partner to let her know how I feel.

I'm not looking for any pedals or recognition, just not to feel like I'm inadequate or lazy, which is truly not the case. With me working full time, we do often pay for some work to be done by contractors, but this is contributed financially by us both. Some jobs I don't do, like the gardening, but mostly; any home DIY I do.

Anyway; im looking for independent views and any tips or suggestions folks?

Thank you

Sadly there are a small minority of people who will always think you don't do enough, and they would still think that even if you did everything. You really cannot please everyone. If your partner is happy with your contribution then that's all that matters.

1. It's not your home and you won't benefit financially from it so I wouldn't be investing either time or money in the property.
2. They're not your in-laws
3. As a PP said, for some people, it's never enough no matter what you do.

Are they actually saying this to your face? That you don't do enough? I'd be tempted to just repeat points 1 and 3 to them ad infinum every time they say something.

What do your ILs have to do with any of this, though? I read most of your post thinking that you lived with your ILs, but if you don’t, how on earth do they know who does the laundry? And what does your partner say about it all? Is your partner the one passing on the information?

my Husband is a heating engineer but also very good at most trade work. He plastered our house fully, fitted the kitchen and full new bathroom. The floor, the carpets everything. It took years. The only reason it got completed was because I fell pregnant so it needed finishing asap. I wish we could have paid for someone to do some of this work but he’s like “what’s the point when I can” because you don’t have the time and it needs doing!!! My stairs have been half finished for 6 months!
So don’t feel bad at all because you sometimes pay for contractors to do stuff because you can’t always enjoy life if you are constantly working at work and at home.

I think for some parents no matter what you do it’s never enough. As hard as it is just try and not let them get to you or maybe get your partner to tell them to chill out with the comments.

What exactly is their involvement? Do you live with them? Can't quite work out why they are so involved in chore allocation otherwise.

Some really good points, thank you for the views. I believe what matters is that my partner knows I contribute; DIY, financially, and with all the other tasks. Again, I'm not looking for medals or anything, just not to feel flattened when they don't actually see the things I do, and be quicl to point out the things that are still to do. I do love my inlaws like family; this is why it probably upsets me as it does.

Thanks folks; this is a really good site for some independent views. I believe moving forward, I'll look to get on what waht I'm doing; and not expect anything, or point out that i actually do more than they appear to see. The most important thing is that i provide for my family and am a team player at home with all the talks, and not be bothered what others think.

Thanks guys

you are not really explaining things as to what’s going on , but you said your name is not on the mortgage so I’m guessing your parters is . Maybe this is the issue with them . But not sure why they need to know the ins and outs of what you both do .

I'll explain a bit further,

Me and my partner have been together for over 5 years and I love her with more words than I could write on here. I am hoping to be on the mortgage next year.

They don't need to know the list of jobs, my message was relating to when we see them every so often, I often get the impression that my father in law is doing everything, and it sometimes feels like I should be doing more, after each time we visit, although indirectly saying this to me.

A valid comment was made by Jay-Jayj, I can do what I can when not working, but it's nice to have some downtime to recharge also. We do outsource some work which is good, but do a fair amount ourselves.

I gather, we can't please everyone all of the time, and shouldn't be stressed about it either - what matters is I'm there for my partner and we know what we're doing.

Thanks

Your fil is obviously a hands on man with DIY but not everyone is the same. He may have a narrow minded view of men's work. I wonder is he good at cooking/ cleaning? My dh is good at gardening but really bad at house maintenance. I get weak if he decides to do something as it may end up a disaster. We just pay someone as its better than an expensive mess. Be more confident in your own contribution and realise its actually none of your inlaws business. He might be a big threatened by your job involving travel etc so bigging up his DIY. As long as you and especially your partner are happy and on the one page ignore any remarks.

My DH is also a tradesman and can do most house renovating and repairing.
However, we're both getting older and I was glad last year when we paid someone to put in a new bathroom.
DH could have done it but I'm glad he decided not to. He did loads of decorating a couple of years ago and I thought it was too much for him.

You're entitled to time off yourself. Pay no attention to people making digs. It's none of their business really.

Man up, you know how you contribute - as long as your partner is happy then don't worry!