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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pressure from mil

29 replies

seatingavailable · 21/05/2023 08:35

We had twins quite young by today's standards (30) and because of childcare costs, I stayed home to care for them. Compounded by the pandemic, it was difficult.

I've recently returned to work only to find myself a victim of undue influence. The situation with work is stressful and I am in the process of sorting it out.

I told mil what had happened and she snapped, saying I should be on more money at my age, that I can't be complaining about work issues and that the kids depend on me for support. She also assumed that the reason I was kicking up a fuss with work was because I wanted another child. She also accused me of not wanting to work (that I was lazy).

How can you be lazy with twins?

We have been dabbling with having another child but we can't afford it and have come up with a unanimous, no. It is none of her business.

The way she spoke to me has really shaken me up though. She needs to understand that I'm really trying my best. Aibu with her?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 21/05/2023 08:44

Do you take any financial support from your in laws, at all?

LongRoadtoNowhere · 21/05/2023 08:48

I’m not sure what undue influence means but the fact of the matter is that none of it is her business. I’d not speak to her about any of it any more, change the subject if she asks and if she pushes for info, I’d tell her my thoughts on her outburst.

I know this sounds like a typical MIL hating post but honestly I love my MIL (and hope to be one myself one day!) - I’d give this advice for anyone who spoke to someone in that way and stuck their nose in other people’s financial or reproduction business.

bussteward · 21/05/2023 08:50

Does she work? What does she earn? What money was she on at your age? How much is her mortgage? Does she outsource help, eg have a cleaner? How many kids did she have and what age gap? Fire questions and judgement back at her.

autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 08:51

Very rude. People often assume your experience matches their experience. So if your mil had no issues with parenting/career she may struggle (unreasonably) to see yours. Is she close to her son. Maybe it comes from feeling he has a lot of pressure (without understanding so do you)

Shinyandnew1 · 21/05/2023 08:53

If she isn’t helping you financially, she can keep her opinions to herself!

Missing the point here, but is 30 young now to start having children (I am quite old!)?

dontknowwhybutitsbad · 21/05/2023 08:56

What does undue influence mean??

30 isn’t young

Your MIL sounds rude

Original poster
seatingavailable · 21/05/2023 09:07

They have helped us along the way but they were gifts. We have asked for nothing but are very grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
seatingavailable · 21/05/2023 09:07

@autienotnaughtym I think you hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
Xrays · 21/05/2023 09:08

dontknowwhybutitsbad · 21/05/2023 08:56

What does undue influence mean??

30 isn’t young

Your MIL sounds rude

This.

Dacadactyl · 21/05/2023 09:16

seatingavailable · 21/05/2023 09:07

They have helped us along the way but they were gifts. We have asked for nothing but are very grateful.

How old are your twins now?

I have a colleague who is financially supporting adult DC and their families well into their 30s. I'm sure they'd see the help as "gifts" too but the fact of the matter is that they are putting off retiring cos their kids can't manage. I doubt they tell their kids this either.

Maybe she thinks "FGS, she can't really be thinking about more kids when in a precarious work situation...how many more "gifts" am I going to be expected to give?!"

Not saying this is your situation at all, but it could well be where she's coming from with it. And I would understand her bringing it up with you, if so.

HadEnough2023 · 21/05/2023 09:18

Unfortunately "gifts" is financial support.

You need to refuse them in future, then she doesn't get a say in your finances.

Original poster
seatingavailable · 21/05/2023 09:19

They are well off and happily living their lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
seatingavailable · 21/05/2023 09:19

@HadEnough2023 true. We need to put up boundaries.

OP posts:
WhatWouldHopperDo · 21/05/2023 09:20

I’d stop talking to her about anything she might judge/have an opinion on.

dontknowwhybutitsbad · 21/05/2023 09:21

@seatingavailable

why are you not answering what undue influences means?

do you mean bullying?

Original poster
seatingavailable · 21/05/2023 09:22

It means being pressured to sign a contract you don't want to sign.

OP posts:
PrincessCalley · 21/05/2023 09:30

I guess it depends on what your MIL sees you using these financial "gifts" on. Like do you use them on luxury items or every day things? Are you living beyond your means?

Like it's none of her business as gifts should be given without conditions but that is not always the case. And maybe she thinks your using the money she is supplying in a wasteful way.

Side note 30 is not young starting a family.

NerrSnerr · 21/05/2023 09:31

Do they help with childcare? That may impact on whether they think you should have another child.

30 isn't young for children at all- are you overly dependent on others?

Reality · 21/05/2023 09:35

Lol I had my last child of three at 31, you are not young.

It does sound like you are quite infantilised and naive though. Pressured to sign a contract? What does this mean? Plenty of jobs require you to opt out of the working time directive, is it that kind of thing?

LightDrizzle · 21/05/2023 09:36

30 isn’t young to have a child! Even now.

Twins are really hard work so I’m sure it’s been demanding for you both but you are very vague about what is going on and it makes it hard to comment.

otherwayup · 21/05/2023 09:45

30 really isn't young to have children! Such a weird thing to say.

CabernetSauvignon · 21/05/2023 09:48

seatingavailable · 21/05/2023 09:22

It means being pressured to sign a contract you don't want to sign.

Is this an employment contract? Why don't you want to sign it?

bussteward · 21/05/2023 09:52

otherwayup · 21/05/2023 09:45

30 really isn't young to have children! Such a weird thing to say.

Depends where you are and your social circle surely? Most first-time parents I know are 40-45. At 30 we were all getting drunk in houseshares – OP might feel like an outlier in her group if she’s having twins at 30 while her pals are all still caning it.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/05/2023 10:03

29 is the average age in the UK for a first baby, so it’s actually a bit older than average.

Original poster
seatingavailable · 21/05/2023 10:11

Don't want to get into details regarding work but it's something that has happened to me that shouldn't have.

Yes, I am the youngest of my crew to have a baby.

OP posts: