How do you plan a future or focus on goals when in deep grief? Really need my mum

[Howdoyoudothis]

My mum died in January, and I feel lost if I really think about the future. Now both my parents are dead it just feels almost impossible to assign real meaning to any personal or career goals, for example. I'm in a loving marriage and am very grateful, but there's so much pain over the loss of my parents that I find it hard to believe I'll ever experience real joy again without also having pain attached.

And obviously that's just the way it is there's no hope this can be fixed. I'm in my 30's and also conscious I could die young too and everything feels like a waste?

I can't have children which is also a loss though very different so there's no focusing on next generation.

On a day to day level I'm ok, enjoying the small things like a cup of coffee and a nice cake, and trying to do a few things I really enjoy when I have the energy, like going out in nature. But what about the bigger picture?

I've also started volunteering which makes me feel better in the present moment, but like I say...the bigger picture.

Started therapy and the same is also true for that. It helps me get the best out of my day, but the future?

Sorry I'm like a stuck record.

Sorry for your loss OP.

It's very early days. You lost your mum in Jan, it's only May!

Give yourself time and space to grieve. Don't rush for everything to feel normal. There has been a big shift in your life losing both parents. Just take pleasure in the small things in life, as you say, and be kind to yourself x

I’m so sorry op this is an awful thing you’ve gone through. There really is no magic wand and it doesn’t go away, but you become stronger and you can manage life around it. I promise it happens. Personally I got some extra counselling and decided to take antidepressants because I was quite bad and they were very helpful, just so I could get through everyday. You will probably become a different person and that’s ok. You just need to keep going and have small goals for yourself. Be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your Mum died really recently and you're still grieving - and that's ok. It sounds like you're managing to find small moments of enjoyment - keep doing that and try not to worry too much about the bigger picture at this stage.

Agree, very early days for you. I’m sorry, it’s shit isn’t it. You are doing the things I would have suggested, coffee and cake trips. I found having a little treat once a week and one big one like the cinema a month was helpful. The cinema incidentally is brilliant because no one knows if you have a little cry in the darkness. All you can do is take each day as it comes even if it feels like one step forward and two back at times.it does very slowly start to improve although I find I still want my Mum dreadfully when I am not feeling well.

I actually think there’s a lot to be said for enjoying the small things you mention while grief is still raw and recent. Take pleasure in the moment, like when you see something beautiful when you’re out on a walk or when something makes you laugh.
In the longer term maybe devise a goal - something to do with your career? Something active? Something you used to do when younger like music? A craft? A travel destination? Then break it down a bit e.g. If you want to start running say “I’ll run round the block four times with breaks in between five days a week for a month” then “I’ll do it without the breaks for a month” etc. If it’s something lie travel start off with investigating tour operators, then start a savings fund, then maybe learn a little of the language…

Agree- give yourself time to adjust. A lot of time. I also lost my parents in my 30s and felt completely rudderless for a long time. Gradually, thoughts and plans for the future began to take more shape- but I’m not the same person as I was before. There is an underlying sadness/vulnerability there that won’t quite shift, but I can enjoy life and make plans (though plans are mostly short-term as I no longer feel able to look really far ahead, largely I suppose because my parents died quite young so I’m not overly confident about my own longevity!)

I do have children which makes my situation quite different to yours, but I hope that in time you will adjust to this ‘new normal’ and find ways to enjoy life and to look forward to things.

I lost my mum in December it's very sad as we want to share the highs and lows with those we love. I think of her every day and I'll never let her memory fade.

Thinking of you

I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s still very recent and it’s perfectly normal not to be able to imagine a future yet where the loss doesn’t impact on bigger picture stuff. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things - one day at a time and seek the joy where you can on a day-to-day basis xx

Sorry this happened to you, and to lose both parents in your 30s is tough

All I can suggest is be kind to yourself, take one day at a time, enjoy the small pleasures in life, and remember that, in a while, the pain won't be so raw

In times of distress, I find nature comforting

Animals can help too eg a dog needs to be walked each day and won't judge you for crying

It's very new and very raw, I wanted to hit people that said time heals, however in time speaking for myself only my grief found a more comfortable place to sit and day to day became easier. Again for me grief wasn't a place for me to sit and stay it was something to eventually move through and that does take time.

Grief is different for everyone and you can only do what you can to get through each day. Being kind to yourself and making sure you eat well is a start. Not feeling guilty if you find yourself smiling and being ok with the times you feel like you're caught up in a tsunami and you feel like you're drowning. I am sorry you're suffering and I wish you strength 💐

I lost my DH a month ago, and I don't think you can plan anything. Just get through each day, try to find a bit of a smile every day, and I guess the pain eases after a while.

Grieving is a process, you just have to work through it.

Its hard though.🙁

Hi op can I just say how sorry I am to hear about your mum. I lost mine in November last year. My teenage sons asked how they could get over it. I said take it one minute, then one hour then one day at a time. Everyone grieves differently, but it does get easier. Big hugs x

I'm sorry for your loss, grief is so hard. Its common to not be able to look too far in the future or to even have no idea what you'd wish the future to look like.

Grief can change us so not only do we have to deal with the loss of our loved one but the loss of our sense of self, we have to 'feel out' where we fit into the new reality.

It is a process but there isnt a timescale, it isn't a case of one stage following another, it's random and chaotic but gradually we learn to grow around our grief and carry it lighter.

@Howdoyoudothis it takes time to absorb what’s happened in and to your life. I guess you kind of gradually start to live alongside the grief, it’s always there but becomes part of your journey rather than all encompassing.

It does take time though, 4 months is nothing. At least a year, maybe 18 months. That’s why bereavement grief counselling isn’t offered until at least 6 months after the death, as most people “left behind” are reeling for a good few months.

Bigger picture stuff - I’m planning and doing loads of stuff that I want to do. Both in career and personal life. Because ultimately time is short. I don’t want to spend too much time getting back to that, and then run out of time before I’m happy I’ve achieved enough of what I want to achieve.

Sorry that sounds a bit garbled. Also parentless - they were good people, and passed when I was 34 and 47.

Sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my dad a few years ago. Give yourself a year. It’s takes time. I’m still sad to think on it but the first year was the hardest.

I'm sorry you lost your Mum, OP. I lost mine in January 2021 so I think I know how you're feeling.

I am twenty years older than you but I couldn't deal with the fact that the lady that gave birth to me was no longer here. It just seemed impossible; unimaginable.

My advice is to not think about the bigger picture atm as it's too overwhelming. It's very early days so keep doing what you're doing and enjoy those little moments. As time passes, the grief won't be all-encompassing - you will probably experience waves of it from time to time (I still do) but it passes after a good cry and you carry on. You are still so young and as cliched as it sounds, time is the biggest healer. Doors will close and open and you will meet new people and who knows where life will take you.

Take care of yourself. Love yourself and give it time 💐