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Original poster

Letting kids decide not to see other parent?

16 replies

CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 10:46

I don't know whether I should keep trying for my kids have a relationship with their father when they don’t really want to? Quick back story is we split up 6 years ago he has been very inconsistent since then and has more than once not seen them for a year, the longest was 2 years which was the most recent time. He got back in contact October and started seeing them again but tbh he has seen them about 5 times since then.

He doesn't make any set plans and will only see them as and when he feels like it (for the day no overnights/his choice) He last saw them 2 weeks ago but has made no plans to see them since (just giving a bit of context) yesterday my son said he has no father and that he hates him and doesn't consider him his father. I never bad mouth him he is to blame for our child feeling this way due to his own actions. The last time he came down to see them he didn't want to see him but I encouraged him to go, but now im doubting myself and whether I should be making him go if he doesn’t want to (there is no court order he won't stick to regular contact despite not working and living in the same city) he also has their numbers but doesn't contact much it's been over a week since he last messaged them. What age can kids decide for themselves? Their is no court order and he wouldn’t take me to court so that’s not a problem but don’t want to be blamed further down the line for not trying hard enough..

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 20/05/2023 10:51

How old are they ?

janeinthewild · 20/05/2023 10:53

Let them decide. Same happened to me when I was younger and I decided against seeing him and I have no regrets. Just reassure them that if they ever decide to start seeing him again, the option will be open.

Thelnebriati · 20/05/2023 10:55

Sit down and have a talk with them. Explain the situation and say you will let them decide if they want to see their Dad, and that they can change their mind at any time. Tell them you have their back and will support them whatever they decide.
Tell them you will keep up your end but cannot force him to keep his contact arrangements, and will not accept responsibility for his behaviour. Just use age appropriate language.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 12:01

They are 12, 11 and 9

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 20/05/2023 12:10

I'd say leave it up to them. They can clearly see he is a waste of space. Just leave things open - you can facilitate if he makes an effort and if they want to see him... if not, I wouldn't bother.

WheelsUp · 20/05/2023 12:14

Legally a judge would listen to the 12 year old.

I am very sorry that he's being a dick towards your kids. I wouldn't discourage things but wouldn't encourage things either. Their anger and reluctance is understandable and I'd have their back after all this time. It must be horrible for the kids to be treated like this. 😢

If he complained then I'd tell him to take it to court. That would at least stop him from thinking that he is entitled to random days.

BeeCucumber · 20/05/2023 12:19

Let the DC decide. They already know he’s a waster and a useless father.

You don’t have to try harder to facilitate a relationship- he does.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 14:54

I know he would never take me to court so realistically i don't need to worry about that I just don't know if they are too young to make this decision i t was my 9 year old who said it though the others aren't fussed by him either. I just don't know what to say if he does try to see them, I know he wouldn't believe they didn't want to see him (He is very deluded)

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 20/05/2023 14:58

They should be deciding from around eight (if there is no risk to them seeing them, if so younger). You are treading on their boundaries and this is why shit fathering is continuing. You are telling your children that there needs/wants mean less than the adult man who gathered them. You are setting the bar for what's good enough and telling your children to get over it.

Ponoka7 · 20/05/2023 15:00

Just to add, it came to a head with my son in law at the start of the year. He's been told he either builds a proper, regular relationship, that is also fun for the kids eg swimming, or he can wait for them to get back in touch.

Sprinkles211 · 20/05/2023 15:04

I let my daughter choose from age 10. She had her own phone and made all decisions on visitation and contact herself from that point.

underneaththeash · 20/05/2023 15:07

I’d let them choose too, on their own terms, they can decide or not depending on the situation. Do, say he calls to see them next week, one is free, the other’s going to a party and the other one has a lot of homework, maybe only the one who is free will spend time with him?

LifeExperience · 20/05/2023 15:48

Let the children make their decision and stop worrying about what your ex will think, say, etc. He's a crap father and will therefore reap what he sows in the form of children who don't care much for him. It's 100% his fault and if he complains tell him exactly that.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 15:49

Ponoka7 · 20/05/2023 14:58

They should be deciding from around eight (if there is no risk to them seeing them, if so younger). You are treading on their boundaries and this is why shit fathering is continuing. You are telling your children that there needs/wants mean less than the adult man who gathered them. You are setting the bar for what's good enough and telling your children to get over it.

This is why he didn't see them for 2 years because he kept making excuses not to. I told him to either step up or step out. He chose to go. He came back after 2 years like I said and I didn't rush straight back into contact I let him prove he was being consistent before contact started and tbf at first he was he would message them all the time. Now he never bothers, well very rarely and he doesn't call at all. I asked the kids in October if they wanted to see him again and they did but I think they forgot how awful he was but now they are older they can see for themselves

OP posts:
JimnJoyce · 20/05/2023 15:50

my DD decided at 12 she no longer wanted to see her dad.
He thinks its all my doing and gives me loads of shit but DD is much happier.

Buddercud · 20/05/2023 16:12

I think I would let them choose but n a managed way. I don’t know. I have very complicated feelings about this because I was given a similar choice in similar circumstances as a child and it’s always bothered me. I have second guessed myself many times and now I find it hard to make decisions and often feel guilty. I would have preferred not to have been burdened with it. But it’s very difficult, you know your children best. My own children rarely see their dad, when he does come to the area we all visit with him together. They aren’t bothered by not seeing him in between and choose limited contact by phone etc (they are teens now so a bit different)

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