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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want close family in my bedroom

25 replies

Midnightpony · 20/05/2023 08:22

I'm just wondering if I'm being sensitive.

If my in laws are here and I'm in my bedroom they will come in. This is during the day and we're all dressed/ in PJs. I don't mean they're accidentally interrupting anything!

Examples are
If I'm in here with the door open and they're playing with my toddler and he runs in they'll chase him in
If dh or I are in here they'll come in for a chat
If my older DC have left the door open and I'm lying in bed and they get up. They see me in bed. I'd prefer a quick "good morning". They have a longer "how are you? How did you sleep? Etc"

Maybe I am just grumpy 😂 but I feel like there's an invisible wall at my bedroom door that people should pretend not to be able to see through/ pass through

This doesn't happen with my family as they don't stay over. And despite this post I have as good a relationship with my in laws as I do with my own family so it's not that

YABU - stop being a grump
YANBU - one's bedroom is private

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 20/05/2023 08:24

My MIL does this and I absolutely loathe it. Such bad manners.

AgnesX · 20/05/2023 08:29

I'm missing the point but why are you still in bed/undressed when you have visitors?

Separately, don't do things in your bedroom when you have visitors.

Give them no excuse to be there

Prettylittleroses · 20/05/2023 08:31

Shut the door then, you don’t need a pretend invisible wall just shut the door like folks do.

JosieOhNo · 20/05/2023 08:31

My in laws went into our bedroom while I was at work once, and stripped the bedding off to wash it. Lovely, helpful thought... but boundaries people, come on!!

My husband couldn't see an issue, until I said I couldn't remember putting the toys & lube away, they might have been still in the bed... (they weren't, of course I'd tidied them away when I got up, but still... 😉)

JMSA · 20/05/2023 08:32

YABU.

Original poster
Midnightpony · 20/05/2023 08:33

AgnesX · 20/05/2023 08:29

I'm missing the point but why are you still in bed/undressed when you have visitors?

Separately, don't do things in your bedroom when you have visitors.

Give them no excuse to be there

I'd be in bed for example because I literally just woke up, DH got up with one DC and opened the curtains. Other DC with me still snoozing. DC left bedroom door open and in - law got up to use the bathroom
We're talking 7:45am , not lunchtime!

I potter in an out of my room during the day though - changing nappies, putting away a wash, gathering clothes to put on a wash, getting my jacket to go out. I can't NEVER be in my room

OP posts:
Original poster
Midnightpony · 20/05/2023 08:34

JosieOhNo · 20/05/2023 08:31

My in laws went into our bedroom while I was at work once, and stripped the bedding off to wash it. Lovely, helpful thought... but boundaries people, come on!!

My husband couldn't see an issue, until I said I couldn't remember putting the toys & lube away, they might have been still in the bed... (they weren't, of course I'd tidied them away when I got up, but still... 😉)

😂😂😂

OP posts:
AFishCalledKeith · 20/05/2023 08:36

Whilst I kinda understand - I never go into anyone's bedroom unless invited in. This includes my mum's bedroom while she is currently living with me. I also am not keen on anyone being in my room. In my head it is a deeply personal place.

However, I just think different people have different ideas on this and accept that, for many, it's a normal thing to do - especially if the door is already open.

Closed door whilst you have guests is really the only way to go. I think.

electriclight · 20/05/2023 08:37

If my family are visiting and I pop into my room while they are here, they might follow me in. I've always thought an open door is fair game. Shutting the door is the universal sign to stay away so just do that.

NoRestForMe · 20/05/2023 08:39

My mil does this and I HATE it! Whenever we stay with her, DH and I have the the guest bedroom. We keep the door shut. Without fail, in the morning while I'm still in bed in my PJs, haven't brushed my teeth yet etc.... she will come in to say hello. I find it really rude tbh.

Original poster
Midnightpony · 20/05/2023 08:41

AFishCalledKeith · 20/05/2023 08:36

Whilst I kinda understand - I never go into anyone's bedroom unless invited in. This includes my mum's bedroom while she is currently living with me. I also am not keen on anyone being in my room. In my head it is a deeply personal place.

However, I just think different people have different ideas on this and accept that, for many, it's a normal thing to do - especially if the door is already open.

Closed door whilst you have guests is really the only way to go. I think.

This is true, different strokes for different folks

OP posts:
AgnesX · 20/05/2023 08:42

Midnightpony · 20/05/2023 08:33

I'd be in bed for example because I literally just woke up, DH got up with one DC and opened the curtains. Other DC with me still snoozing. DC left bedroom door open and in - law got up to use the bathroom
We're talking 7:45am , not lunchtime!

I potter in an out of my room during the day though - changing nappies, putting away a wash, gathering clothes to put on a wash, getting my jacket to go out. I can't NEVER be in my room

Show quote history

They're staying/living with you? Sorry, I missed where you said that.

kitsuneghost · 20/05/2023 08:52

Nah i don't think it's an issue

Original poster
Midnightpony · 20/05/2023 09:08

AgnesX · 20/05/2023 08:42

They're staying/living with you? Sorry, I missed where you said that.

Show quote history

Sorry, yes, I said "when they're here" but I meant staying here. I should have been clearer because it does slightly alter the situation

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/05/2023 09:20

I’m fine with close family, but as a MiL myself I avoid going into dd and SiL’s bedroom unless absolutely necessary. Not that I think dd would give a toss…

Ages ago, but I once found a visiting friend of a dd (maybe 13 at the time) sitting cross-legged on my bed, using the bedside table phone! I said nothing but def. thought she should have known better. Dd however said the friend’s DM wouldn’t give a toss if she did the same at their house. I told her never to do it anyway - it was crossing a ‘manners’ boundary.

If that made me old fashioned/uptight, so be it.

Scienceadvisory · 20/05/2023 09:27

I think the toddler example is a bit extreme. You left the door open and the child ran in - did you really expect the person looking after the toddler to just leave them because they had entered your bedroom?

And actually I sort of get where your ils are coming from with the rest of it. Growing up it was always the case that an open door meant you were happy to be disturbed and a shut door meant to leave alone. Maybe your ils are similar. Just get your child to close the door behind them in the morning if you don't want your ils poking their heads in to say good morning.

MrsClatterbuck · 20/05/2023 09:31

NoRestForMe · 20/05/2023 08:39

My mil does this and I HATE it! Whenever we stay with her, DH and I have the the guest bedroom. We keep the door shut. Without fail, in the morning while I'm still in bed in my PJs, haven't brushed my teeth yet etc.... she will come in to say hello. I find it really rude tbh.

It certainly is. When I have guests stay the guest room becomes the same as their bedroom at home that is their own private space and I wouldn't dream of going into it without their say so. I did have to once go in and get something in a drawer which I really needed but was basically only 30 seconds and felt really guilty.
Same when my DM stayed with me though I know she didn't mind me going in as it was usually to give her a hand with something as she was elderly or see if she was awake or not dead

SkyandSurf · 20/05/2023 09:46

Time to start leaving enormous and brightly coloured dildos about your bedroom.

That should sort it.

FloofCloud · 20/05/2023 09:59

I don't like my ILs in my room either. When I was 9 months pregnant she insisted on coming to our home to help clean, she got down on her hands and knees and brushes my bedroom carpet because we had a long haired cat at the time ?carpet was only a few months old! She also decided she would 'dust' and I found her in my husbands bedside table, draws and door open, cleaning inside the bloody table - i then went over and did my own side so she didn't go rifling through my bloody drawers!

Original poster
Midnightpony · 20/05/2023 11:03

Scienceadvisory · 20/05/2023 09:27

I think the toddler example is a bit extreme. You left the door open and the child ran in - did you really expect the person looking after the toddler to just leave them because they had entered your bedroom?

And actually I sort of get where your ils are coming from with the rest of it. Growing up it was always the case that an open door meant you were happy to be disturbed and a shut door meant to leave alone. Maybe your ils are similar. Just get your child to close the door behind them in the morning if you don't want your ils poking their heads in to say good morning.

When the toddler ran into my room they weren't minding him. I had changed his nappy, he ran out of the bedroom and I was putting the wipes away or whatever. In law chased him and he ran back into the room where I was and they followed him in.

But this thread is cathartic and I can see that I need to shut the door and/or just accept that for them open door = welcome whereas for me bedroom = private regardless of door.

They are all lovely people so I need to chill out!

OP posts:
Original poster
Midnightpony · 20/05/2023 11:04

SkyandSurf · 20/05/2023 09:46

Time to start leaving enormous and brightly coloured dildos about your bedroom.

That should sort it.

😂😂 great plan

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 20/05/2023 11:06

If the door is open then people can come in!
Shut the door if you don’t want them to.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/05/2023 11:06

It’s just different boundaries, no one is wrong.

You can get into the habit of shutting the door and also saying ‘I’m good thanks, I’m come and catch up with you when I’m dressed and up/done doing this thing’, and then make it clear you want them out with shooing if necessary

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 20/05/2023 12:12

I'm a great believer in communicating your boundaries. As soon as an issue crops up you just say "actually would you mind not coming into my room when the door is closed". It's save an small misunderstanding festering into an issue. It's hard when adults from different homes stay together, there are bound to be little niggles and getting on each other nerves, bit it you speak up then it all sorts itself out.

Original poster
Midnightpony · 20/05/2023 14:45

@Luredbyapomegranate and @Newyeardietstartstomorrow
Yes, it's a boundary thing and nobody is wrong. Thanks for the suggestions of what to say too ☺️

OP posts:
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