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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give DSS money to have a 'better childhood'

21 replies

Hop27 · 20/05/2023 00:07

DSS is 15 nearly 16, he's on a sport development team which he loves. Money is tight at his Mum's. We pay above CMS, but it never seems to be enough. His mum is chaotic. He wants to chuck sport to get a job so he can contribute at home, which is admirable. He doesn't think he can do both. nth. We want him to move in with us full time but he won't leave his mum as he's worried about leaving her. She has pretty severe MH and drinking issues. AIBU to give him equivalent money so he can continue until the end of the season? He would give half his wages to his mum - roughly 250 a month which I could manage. Or is it not my place to get involved

OP posts:
autienotnaughtym · 20/05/2023 00:23

Would it by you or yr partner giving it? It's a nice idea but not sure how it will be received

HeddaGarbled · 20/05/2023 00:26

Can 15 year olds get jobs?

Original poster
Hop27 · 20/05/2023 00:29

Yes 15 is legal working age here. The money would be out of my money. We don't have 100% shared money. Bills etc are 100% then we have our own spending $. Dh uses his as he sees fit, as do I.

OP posts:
samqueens · 20/05/2023 00:49

OP I think you sound lovely and FWIW I think supporting your DSS in any way you can to safeguard his interests and childhood is the right thing if it can be managed.

from what you said in your OP I just want to strongly recommend getting him to an Al Ateen meeting. It could provide him with tools he may find really useful as he navigates the transition to adulthood. Living with someone who has a difficult relationship to alcohol is complex…

Just to clarify Al Anon isn’t AA - it is for anyone who is affected by having an alcoholic in their life. You and your DH could attend a meeting if you want to get a better idea of how it works or to ask advice/do some initial research on his behalf.

Al Ateen is specifically for kids who have experience of an adult’s drinking affecting them. It is a safe space, with a lot of compassion, some amazing people and insights. You can access meetings online from anywhere in the world and just listen - you don’t have to talk or go anywhere in person to benefit and it’s free. (Might be best for him to do it at your place not his mum’s).

This isn’t about judging his mum or anything - he sounds like an amazing child. But caretaking of adults is very much a hallmark of someone growing up in this situation and the earlier he is able to recognise this (with support around him) the easier his life will be.

Sounds like he is very lucky to have you, and I hope you’re able to help him continue with his sport. good luck x

samqueens · 20/05/2023 00:51

(It’s always our place to get involved in supporting the children in our lives when we can. I’m not sure that’s something any child can have too much of!)

Hoppingmad231 · 20/05/2023 00:59

This sounds lovely and dss sounds great, but if she's wasting the money on drink and whatever I wouldn't do it, tell him if he needs/wants anything just ask or give him extra pocket money, but dont go funding her drinking habits.

Original poster
Hop27 · 20/05/2023 01:17

We give him pocked money, we buy his clothes, phone, private school, sports, travel. He doesn't really want for anything. He wants to save for a car and we've said we'll match what ever he saves. So his plan is to save half and give half to his mum, she is apparently struggling to put food on the table - which I'm sceptical about. Part of me thinks it's a control thing from his mum, she is very angry about the parity of our lifestyles, football is something that DH does and I often watch him play.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hop27 · 20/05/2023 01:26

@samqueens
Thanks I had no idea that existed, will look into it.

OP posts:
Thack · 20/05/2023 02:28

To be cynical (on MN?! I know, shocking), would your money, or his wage, ever be enough? His mum would take more and more. You'll be trapped as it will start going on household bills and then potentially feeding her habits.

How do meals work at his school? Is there a payment account you could top up to ensure he gets a decent meal?

Equalitea · 20/05/2023 08:01

The idea sounds great but there’s a good chance that £250 won’t be enough. Then £500 won’t be enough and so on.

If she is chaotic then there may not been an end to how much you’d need to pay in order for him to choose to study.

If he’s already decided that his priority is looking after his mum then chances are you would only be delaying the inevitable, he won’t continue to study further and will stop studying as soon he is old enough/able to earn more money.

It’s a very sad situation, you and DSS sound lovely and if you can afford it, it won’t hurt to try but please prepare yourself that whatever help you give it may not be enough.

Original poster
Hop27 · 20/05/2023 11:17

I'm going to match his pocket money for now, see if that helps. I want him to see out the season, after that fine I just want him to have the chance that play sport at a good level !

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 20/05/2023 11:22

He is very lucky to have you on his side x

Original poster
Hop27 · 21/05/2023 06:59

I know it will never be enough, we constantly dig her out of one mess to the other. But I'm just so sad that at 15 he feels the need to contribute. I honestly feel like just giving her extra maintenance, but I know that's not the answer. But if feels wrong to lead the life I do, spending money on superficial stuff, if the reality is she can feed him. I work my absolute arse off to earn what I do. We both do. We want him to have the best possible start in life, but I'm so fearful he'll end up supporting her at a young age.

OP posts:
Namechange224422 · 21/05/2023 07:05

I think that I would offer to your ss that you’ll always reimburse food shopping for either house.

So, if he spends £100 in Tesco then he sends you the receipt and you give him back £100.

That feels like a safer way to put food on their table and allow him to provide without quitting his team, but hopefully bypassing mum a bit. So that you know anything you’re spending is benefiting him.

marshmallowmatcha · 21/05/2023 07:17

Could you offer to do a delivery order once a month of food? I mean you really should have to be doing this. And I appreciate you want to help but he has the parents he has and his mum is parenting how she wants to so I think you do have to let her get on with it even if you think it's a really shit way of parenting.

Zeonlywayisup · 21/05/2023 07:23

He’s fifteen, so adult in three years. If you can afford to do it for 3 years then do, if you want but unless he’s going to make money from his hobby then him working will probably help more.

romdowa · 21/05/2023 07:36

If she's an alcoholic then I wouldn't give her cash . If you are serious about helping out then I'd buy her food, set up an online delivery but definitely no cash and I'd warn him not to tell her he is saving for a car or she will hound him for that money

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 21/05/2023 08:03

If you can afford it privately, will he agree to counselling? At the moment he's falling into an unhealthy dynamic with him as the rescuer. The longer that goes on the harder it will be to break free from it and it's very likely his sacrifices will become bigger and bigger and never enough. It can really fuck up an adult, even more so a child.

So if you really want to safeguard him and his future, I would focus on helping him developing boundaries, and an understanding and acceptance of his role in this, his limitations and that he is not responsible for his mother's actions.

Screwedupworld · 21/05/2023 08:08

Namechange224422 · 21/05/2023 07:05

I think that I would offer to your ss that you’ll always reimburse food shopping for either house.

So, if he spends £100 in Tesco then he sends you the receipt and you give him back £100.

That feels like a safer way to put food on their table and allow him to provide without quitting his team, but hopefully bypassing mum a bit. So that you know anything you’re spending is benefiting him.

This is a good idea! At least then it will be going on food and not drink. He sounds like a lovely caring lad. He's very lucky to have you OP

Original poster
Hop27 · 21/05/2023 09:27

I'm feeling so frustrated by it all. I just want him to live here, away from it all. I feel so cheated, DH and I tried so hard to have kids. But nothing worked. Yet this complete mess of an individual gets kids, and I don't.

OP posts:
Timeforchangeithink · 21/05/2023 09:30

Namechange224422 · 21/05/2023 07:05

I think that I would offer to your ss that you’ll always reimburse food shopping for either house.

So, if he spends £100 in Tesco then he sends you the receipt and you give him back £100.

That feels like a safer way to put food on their table and allow him to provide without quitting his team, but hopefully bypassing mum a bit. So that you know anything you’re spending is benefiting him.

This

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