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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to a work meal?

22 replies

Chelseaocean · 19/05/2023 15:48

It’s being paid for after a training day but right now I feel so miserable in my job that I resent having to use free time to “socialise” with people I don’t want to.

OP posts:

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 19/05/2023 15:49

I don’t do work social stuff and it’s never been an issue. I’m not in a networking-heavy industry though. When I was I did suck it up…

It would also depend where it was.

MsInsomniac · 19/05/2023 15:50

i hate my job too. I refused to attend a bring and share lunch recently unless they paid for my time - lunch breaks are unpaid and I am sick of the bullshit and not being able to take them. A few eyebrows were raised but I don’t care.

Coronationstation · 19/05/2023 15:51

hmm, would you be going home afterwards? If so, then I'd say you have a prior commitment and can't stay late. If it includes an overnight stay afterwards then it's a bit more awkward to get out of.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 19/05/2023 15:52

I'd rather shit in my hands and clap, than go on a forced works meal.

I actually like a couple of my colleagues, but I will be damned using my own time for a work event.

I used to feel obliged when I was new, but after a couple of xmas do's, I thought, nah, not for me.

gannett · 19/05/2023 15:57

It's healthy to free yourself of any obligation to go to works meals, drinks etc. If they're not in work hours you don't owe them your presence.

I would weigh it up based on factors like - will I be in this job for the foreseeable future or am I looking for a way out anyway? Are there one or two people whose company I like and who might make the experience more enjoyable for me? How much physical/mental bandwidth do I actually have to endure it? Is it a good restaurant?

So if there are reasons that would benefit me from sucking it up and going, I might do so anyway. But allow yourself to listen to your body and mind and sack it off if you can't face it.

Gloriousgardener11 · 19/05/2023 16:24

COVID really showed me that having to attend these functions is bloody painful.
Clique groups, brown nosing to the boss - so relieved that I just don't attend them anymore.

Leftphalange100 · 19/05/2023 16:27

If its not during work time you are under no obligation to go. If I was you I'd either say I had a headache on the day so was going straight home or would say just now that I have plans that evening so will be leaving after training.

Murdoch1949 · 20/05/2023 18:24

It could affect a future reference - does not join it with post work activities. For an after training meal I think you should suck it up.

Oysterbabe · 20/05/2023 18:27

I go to these things because my colleagues are awesome and it's fun spending time with them. If I didn't like them I wouldn't go.

youveturnedupwelldone · 20/05/2023 18:29

My work is a big fan of a day netting split over 2 half days and a meal out on the evening in between. I just don't go - like you I don't want to spend my time socialising with them! Others now don't go, but most people result admit they only go because they feel the pressure from the boss to do so.

Sapphire387 · 20/05/2023 18:32

Murdoch1949 · 20/05/2023 18:24

It could affect a future reference - does not join it with post work activities. For an after training meal I think you should suck it up.

But there are so many people who can't. Kids, caring responsibilities, studying...

Hugasauras · 20/05/2023 18:36

Oysterbabe · 20/05/2023 18:27

I go to these things because my colleagues are awesome and it's fun spending time with them. If I didn't like them I wouldn't go.

Yep, this. We specifically arrange social events cos everyone enjoys spending time together outside of work from time to time. If I was new I would probably go as I'd want to get to know my colleagues better and it can be nice seeing people outside of work. If you're in a workplace where you don't get on with colleagues or aren't friends then just go home.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 20/05/2023 18:41

Murdoch1949 · 20/05/2023 18:24

It could affect a future reference - does not join it with post work activities. For an after training meal I think you should suck it up.

Do employers really care about that? I have no chance of another job if they do!

Mindymomo · 20/05/2023 18:43

Life’s too short doing something you don’t want to do.

Dacadactyl · 20/05/2023 18:46

YANBU. I recently didn't attend a works do because I don't like one of my colleagues. The others are lovely though.

Greenfairydust · 20/05/2023 19:05

@Murdoch1949
It could affect a future reference - does not join it with post work activities. For an after training meal I think you should suck it up.''

Absolute nonsense..nobody has to join in ''post work activities''.

As a manager who regularly recruits staff I would just laugh if someone wrote this in a reference and think that they are just daft...

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/05/2023 19:10

It always amazes me how many people on Mumsnet still believe companies send out incredibly detailed references. Unless you were fired for buggering the boss, you’re unlikely to get anything more than “I can confirm Beauregard Nosetrout worked in the role of Data Protection Officer from March 2019 to May 2023”. They certainly don’t include whether you went to the Christmas do.

Hugasauras · 20/05/2023 19:16

Yeah I've written a lot of references for staff in the past and I can't say whether they attended work social events was ever front of (or even present in) mind! I don't think any future employers are interested in that kind of information either. If I saw that in a reference for a potential staff member I'd think it was very odd and no wonder they were leaving that company!

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 20/05/2023 19:27

Murdoch1949 · 20/05/2023 18:24

It could affect a future reference - does not join it with post work activities. For an after training meal I think you should suck it up.

Vast majority of employers especially in private companies just give a fact based reference now. Confirmation that they employed you, Job title, date of employment. No opinions, no judgements, no recommendation on whether or not the new company should hire you.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 21/05/2023 09:42

I had in interview for a job where socialising after work every Friday was compulsory. Sod that, if it's compulsory pay me for it!

Optimalise · 21/05/2023 14:15

After twice 'falling foul' of two different colleagues in separate jobs, both of whom I mistook for a friends, I've consistently refused to mix work and friendship, a successful guy I once knew some years ago told me that whenever he was asked what he attributed his success to simply stated that he kept his life in 'compartments' and didn't allow them to intrude on each other, that's what I do now and to date it appears to have worked.

Original poster

Chelseaocean · 21/05/2023 20:57

Murdoch1949 · 20/05/2023 18:24

It could affect a future reference - does not join it with post work activities. For an after training meal I think you should suck it up.

Hahahhahaaa

Yes they have the experience, right qualifications, excelled at the interview. But wait their reference says did not attend a team meal, better not hire them then.

OP posts:

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