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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding thank yous

22 replies

Banksyboo · 19/05/2023 11:14

I went to a wedding at the start of the year for a very old friend (been friends for over 25 years but see each other every couple of years now, if that). Tbh, I think I was there to plump up her friend side. This was the grooms first marriage and the bride's 4th (not sure if important detail) and they are both very late 30s. I went to the first 2 weddings and received a thank you card afterwards as she asked for cash gifts. The third marriage was abroad and was a small affair. This 4th one was here in UK.

The bride has been well known to be very, very cheap ("you get this drink and I'll get the next" - but never would). At her last wedding, the bride even put her bank details on the invite, wedding website and order of service which rubbed a lot of people (including her own mum and nan) up the wrong way.

I didn't give a cash gift this time - I gave a nice picture frame instead. Previously, I would've given £30 - £40 cash, but she is very open about how much her new DH earns (always posting holiday pics etc) so I thought it would be nice to get a frame for a wedding pic, and money is tight at the moment for me.

It's now been 5 months and none of my friends or I have received a thank you card / any sort of acknowledgement for what we each gave the bride and groom.

When I got married (donkey's years ago!) it was a big thing to send hand written thank you notes to everyone who attended / gave a gift, to thank them for attending the nuptials and to say thank you for a gift.

Is that no longer the norm? The bride doesn't really text so I haven't heard from her (despite asking how honeymoon was) and we live far away so it's not like we bump into each other.

Just interested to hear what other people think!

IABU - thank yous post-wedding aren't important
IANBU - you should say thank you if someone gifts you something / attends your wedding

OP posts:

strawberry2017 · 19/05/2023 11:42

I think it's very rude not to thank someone for a gift.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/05/2023 11:44

If she said thank you in person I think that’s enough.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 19/05/2023 11:46

I never sent thank you cards. Don't really see the point!
I thanked each person either over the phone, by email or in person.

CaputDraconis · 19/05/2023 11:47

In mt experience most couples wait for their professional photos to come back so they can send a thank you card with some pictures from the day on it.

It took nearly 8 months for me to get mine back and by then I thought too long had passed to send thank you cards. Most people I had already thanked in person anyway.

Original poster

Banksyboo · 19/05/2023 11:59

@SunnySaturdayMorning she didn't thank any of us at all. When we went to leave, it was a case of "yea, OK, bye!".@CaputDraconis she has plastered her SM accounts of the happy day so I'm sure all of her pics are back.

None of my friends (5 of us in total) who went have heard from her since the wedding / had even an acknowledgement that we went.

OP posts:

TheSandgroper · 19/05/2023 12:31

Well, I would let this slide and should you receive an invitation to her fifth wedding, you can anticipate the treatment you receive and answer accordingly.

Kitkatcatflap · 19/05/2023 12:37

4th marriage. You haven't received a handwritten thank you card because she has cramp.

38andtrying · 19/05/2023 12:39

Thank you cards are totally out of date, no one does them anymore, well very rarely

LadyDanburysHat · 19/05/2023 12:39

Kitkatcatflap · 19/05/2023 12:37

4th marriage. You haven't received a handwritten thank you card because she has cramp.

😂clearly this. Honestly a 4th wedding you can't expect much in the way of gifts. But also rude not to thank people

honeylulu · 19/05/2023 12:50

I still think cards are nice but no longer necessary. I do think no thank you at all is rude. Don't mind how it is delivered - in person, phone, text, email, card or however brief. But no thanks at all is just rude rude rude.

Nordicrain · 19/05/2023 12:51

I hate the expectation of mass issued thank you cards. What a waste of time, paper and money.

mindutopia · 19/05/2023 12:58

Kitkatcatflap · 19/05/2023 12:37

4th marriage. You haven't received a handwritten thank you card because she has cramp.

😂This. But actually, I think she technically has a year to send them as per the rules. But I think a thank you in person when you see her or by message is probably more the norm now.

KirstenBlest · 19/05/2023 13:00

I thought it would be nice to get a frame for a wedding pic
She needed an album not a photo frame.

handydandynotebook · 19/05/2023 13:02

I don't think there's any point stewing over it. Yeah she's been rude but she wasn't really your friend in the first place. I'd just ghost her.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2023 13:02

I think everyone who attends should be thanked for coming (with the addition of “and thank you for the lovely gift of x” where a gift was given) at some point after the wedding.

I got married in 2006 (divorced now though) and sent a handwritten card to everyone who attended. But I think things have changed a bit and an email or at a pinch a text would be Ok.

However, sending no thanks at all is rude!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2023 13:04

I can’t imagine getting married four times though! Or even twice tbh

The most I’d have again would be a non binding declaration of some sort and a party- probably just a party!

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 19/05/2023 13:05

I got married 2 years ago and I sent thank you cards to everyone who attended, regardless of whether they gave a gift.

Just purchased a pack of pretty, blank cards and sent them out when we were back from honeymoon.

But I have been brought up to to this at Xmas as a child etc.

bigknickersbigknockers · 19/05/2023 13:06

She is obviously far too busy planning the next wedding to be sending "Thank you" cards.

WandaWonder · 19/05/2023 13:06

I don't know why people want more than thank you at the time or one big announcement on the night 'thank you everyone for the gifts'

Sure maybe have a conversation when you naturally meet up next but why the need for formal thank you?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2023 13:06

Why you even bothered to attend this wedding is beyond me.

Original poster

Banksyboo · 19/05/2023 13:23

@Kitkatcatflap I actually spat out my tea 🤣

@Aquamarine1029 I attended as her mum is a good friend and felt that we (myself and 4 friends) should be there to support her. She's made some crappy choices with men tbh, but each time she says "this is the one!" and there's no talking her round.

@WandaWonder we didn't get any thank you for attending / giving a gift and I wasn't sure if that's just the done thing now, or if she just is being rude as I didn't give money (my friend's clubbed together for a nice meal voucher for the bride and groom) but no cash contribution as we have already done that with the previous marriages.

OP posts:

Original poster

Banksyboo · 19/05/2023 13:25

@handydandynotebook that's exactly how I feel - that we were just brought out to fill seats and to give money.

OP posts:

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