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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this be too much? (Potentially sensitive)

15 replies

FranziskaSchmidt · 19/05/2023 09:08

I have some tickets for an event that I can no longer attend, so I was looking to sell them on. I could profit, not interested in that, just want someone to get the use of them.

I offered them up in a group of relatively new friends for an activity we all participate in so I don't know all their lives and stories etc. Someone immediately said yes please, they would love to have them. She only joined the group about 4 weeks ago. When I saw her yesterday in the group, she told me she had tragically lost her husband last year. A lot of what she said about their circumstances was very similar to things I have been through recently, but I have a different outcome and my life is on the up, in large part because of this group.

Anyway, I thought it would be nice to give her the tickets as a gift, as she starts to try to get herself back up and living again, rather than sell them. But, because I don't know her well, I am worrying that it will come across as pity or just being too much, given how short a time I have known her. I can afford it, so that is not a concern.

YABU - way too generous. Ask for the money
YANBU - give her the tickets and hope she has a lovely day out

Please don't turn this into a kicking sort of AIBU!

OP posts:
HadEnough2023 · 19/05/2023 09:13

YANBU

ThatshallotBaby · 19/05/2023 09:16

I think it’s a lovely thing to do.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 19/05/2023 09:18

It seems like a nice idea.

doverdiva · 19/05/2023 09:23

It is a nice idea but how it comes across depends what the tickets are worth so I'd act different depending on that. You don't want her to feel like you're pitying her or it just turns it into an awkward thing.

If they're a tenner each, I'd just give them.

If they're a hundred quid each, I wouldn't

BillyNoM8s · 19/05/2023 09:23

Entirely up to you.

If you choose to gift, then don't make it into some worthy show of self sacrifice. Just give them to her and say don't worry about the money - just enjoy the show. If she really insists on paying then just let her, or use the money to buy a treat for the group (depending on how much we're talking)

CindersAgain · 19/05/2023 09:23

Yeah, depends on the value of the tickets.

Anaemiafog · 19/05/2023 09:34

If I could I would. I've not been through the loss of a spouse but I've almost died several times, lost both parents and a brother in his teens. I have always been very fortunate with friends and family but some I expected to be there weren't, yet people I never imagined have been wonderful. Those showed me how much good there still is in the world. I know that sounds twee but it did.
Now I'll do the same whenever I can, an unexpected thoughtful surprise for someone I think needs the boost with no expectation in return. A bit outing but last week I sent a care pack containing things like ear plugs, sleep mask, moisturisers, lip balm, etc. to someone about to undergo major surgery.

parietal · 19/05/2023 09:35

the risk of a gift is that she feels that you pity her or that she has an obligation to gift something in future.

Send her the tickets FIRST & tell her the price. Give her bank details so she can pay if she wants. But if she doesn't pay, don't chase her for the money.

howsaboutit · 19/05/2023 09:38

I think rather than giving them for free and risking her feeling like she has to return a favour somehow, let her know how much the tickets are and that you’d like only half the price for them. She’ll appreciate the discount as a gesture of goodwill I’m sure

GiraffeLaSophie · 19/05/2023 09:49

I’d tell her she can have them for free as you’ve paid for them anyway and you’re glad someone is making use of them, see what she says. If she accepts that then you’ve done a nice thing and given them to her for free, but if she insists that she would like to pay for them/pay a contribution then let her.

Mabelface · 19/05/2023 09:50

I think it's a lovely idea. You could say to her that in the past when you've been struggling, you were given help and support and the occasional lovely thing and it meant the world to you. With this in mind, you want to pay it forward and for her to enjoy every minute.

LemonjeIIo · 19/05/2023 10:09

And if she insists on giving you something just say oh get me a bottle of Gin I you like

Prettypaisleyslippers · 19/05/2023 10:26

I would just say that you are glad they are being used tbh, leave it at that.

Onelifeonly · 19/05/2023 10:34

If she insists on giving something, maybe have an amount in mind you can suggest. Eg £10 each / the pair. That would be better than leaving it open.

(Unrelated situation, but we used to have a babysitter who refused to say how much she wanted to be paid. I decided on £10 an hour which seemed to be the going rate (she was a mature adult, not a teen) but I never knew if she felt it was ok, which made me feel uncomfortable. Though she always came back for more when asked so guess she was happy enough.)

Original poster
FranziskaSchmidt · 19/05/2023 18:59

Thank you. I will mull on it a day or two longer. I can't transfer the tickets until nearer the time anyway.

Tickets were over £50 but under £100 each.

Deliberately keeping vague as she could easily be a MNer.

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