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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fed up of patronising colleague

26 replies

Cheeeeese · 19/05/2023 07:30

I posted once about it a few months ago, I spoke to my manager about it and I was told 'he doesn't mean it/it's just the way he is'.

Thankfully I am leaving soon but because my new job is in the civil service it's taking a while for the CTC and so on, so I don't know when I'm starting.

I am a senior carer in a residential home, I've been there for about 5 months, I used to work there a couple of years ago, left and returned. He's been there around a year now.

Anyway, seniors assist floor staff where possible too due to staffing numbers. Whenever I work with him, he talks to me like I have never set foot in a care home before.
He also talks to me like I am just his assistant, or some sort of apprentice/trainee or whatever.
It is getting me down and making me question whether I'm bad at the job. However surely other staff would've complained by now or management would've said something. And the care staff have complained about one or two other carers so I don't think they'd be afraid to do so if they thought I were that bad!
So say for example Mary would like to go to bed. He'll come over and say 'so what we're going to do now is put Mary to bed.'

If I'm free I will help. If not I will tell him I can't.
Then we'll be wheeling Mary to her room and he'll say 'so Cheese, what I'm going to need from you is to assist with her pad and help me hoist her into the bed.'

His favourite saying is 'make sure you do it niice and slowly '

'no no no wait a minute' 'no no no I'll do that.' 'no no not like that.'

Apparently I took Mary's knickers off in the wrong manner whatever that means.
He is constantly interjecting, correcting me and insisting his order of doing things is correct.

At first I was polite but now I've started telling him every single time 'yes I know' 'I know what I'm doing', etc.
Obviously you want to be professional in front of the residents. The other day I just said 'right, you're the expert, I'll leave it to you.'
I'm absolutely sick of it. Luckily I don't work with him as much as I used to due to my shifts changing.

The thing is I've been there 5 months now. I suspect he is like this with a lady who is new and very quiet, otherwise from what I've seen and heard he isn't.

He is pleasant and friendly, most other staff like him and have a laugh with him which just makes me feel like my feelings are invalid to some extent. He's big on 'manplaining'.
One day I had back pain and he started lecturing me about how I need to try exercise, as if it was some groundbreaking new idea. Without bothering to ask if I already do.
As I said I've been told he doesn't mean it and plus English isn't his first language. I'm just fed up and not sure what to do apart from leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeeeese · 19/05/2023 07:32

I'm not saying I am absolutely perfect as I'm not, but staff have said I'm a good carer and I've been trained etc. Honestly think if I were soo bad or unsafe I'd be fired!

OP posts:
kateluvscats · 19/05/2023 07:33

No advice but I feel your pain, I work with someone similar.

Azealeasinbloom · 19/05/2023 07:36

Can you talk to him out of earshot of your clients? Tell him it is patronising and inappropriate, that if he has an issue with your work, he needs to talk to management. Tell him simply he is unpleasant to work with.

I worked with a man like this. When I told him I did not enjoy his attitude he explained to me that I lacked a sense of humour 🙄No mate, you just lack appropriate boundaries.

Butthatsnotmyname · 19/05/2023 07:40

I remember your other thread, OP.

You had some great advice on that, but at least you're moving on with a new job, that's great.

notsayingmuch · 19/05/2023 07:44

I wouldn't even respond to him any more. Turn your face away each time he makes an inappropriate remark so he can see you ignoring his 'advice'. The silence will convey more than anything you could say.

NotAHouse · 19/05/2023 07:45

Butthatsnotmyname · 19/05/2023 07:40

I remember your other thread, OP.

You had some great advice on that, but at least you're moving on with a new job, that's great.

Was going to say, this sounds very familiar.

Original poster
Cheeeeese · 19/05/2023 08:11

Yes as I said in the OP I have posted it before. Just completely ignoring him could be a good idea

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 19/05/2023 08:22

He sounds like an insufferable twat. I would have cracked and told him where to go long ago!

Original poster
Cheeeeese · 19/05/2023 08:29

I don't mind guidance or being asked to help whatsoever, that's normal. I've worked in care for a couple of years and I'm fed up of each shift with him making me feel like I'm a 16 year old apprentice, even though I'm a senior staff member. He's also the same age as me so it's not even him being a lot older and experienced

OP posts:
Butthatsnotmyname · 19/05/2023 08:38

I think, kindly, you're giving it way too much headspace. Who gives a shit what he thinks/says?

It wouldn't register with me to be too bothered, just ignore him. Play 'bingo' in your head for every time he's patronising.

Do you think he's hitting a raw nerve with you, OP? That you generally lack confidence and self esteem, and so he's knocking what little you have?

You know you're good at your job, no one else is like it with you, you're his superior, you don't need to give a flying fuck about his mansplaining.

If I were you, work on your self esteem and why you're ruminating over this.

vix3rd · 19/05/2023 08:40

See, you're saying that English isn't his first language.
Is it possible that he explains these things out loud for himself ?

In saying that I can see how it would be insufferable to have him doing this all the time.

I work in the Civil Service. You'll love it.

Original poster
Cheeeeese · 19/05/2023 08:44

It could be that but since another senior said he isn't like that with her, I'm not sure.
You're right and I do have a bit of a lack of self esteem unfortunately.
I really shouldn't care what he thinks.
All the other care staff seem to trust me.
There's a difference between saying 'so John is a new resident here, just make sure you do X as he's at risk of xyz''
And 'so what you're going to do now for me is you're going to change his pad. Make sure you do it niice and gently ok?'
' no no no that's not how you change it. I'll do it.

I'll try to not give it headspace but it just really gets on my nerves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeeeese · 19/05/2023 08:45

Thanks I am looking forward to it, plus I'll be WFH

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 19/05/2023 08:48

I have one of these. He dashes over to 'assist' me every time I have a problem, even when it's something I need management to sort out, so he has to stand there and wait with me while management turns up. If it's a problem I can't sort, then it's nothing he can help with!

I reason that he has very little going on in his life except his job, so he derives all his self-confidence and kudos through what he does at work. He's trying to give himself a little boost every time by being 'better' than me. Annoying, but not life threatening, and generally ignorable.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/05/2023 09:00

Have you actually told him how much he's bugging you? If he's nice in other ways, maybe he'd take it in the way you intended if you just told him that he's being really patronising.

And if he doesn't, then you're leaving anyway so what does it matter?

TheCatterall · 19/05/2023 09:18

@Cheeeeese kill with Uber politeness in a super cheery way.

“morning mansplainer, how about this shift we try something new, let’s try us just working together and see if it still goes ok without your continued instructions and explanations, I’m quite happy that I know what I’m doing so reckon it will work out ok” finish with a huge beaming smile.

Wyndam · 19/05/2023 09:24

If you're leaving you have a end point and something to look forward to. In the meantime just stonewall him and say "ok".

Butthatsnotmyname · 19/05/2023 11:12

Cheeeeese · 19/05/2023 08:44

It could be that but since another senior said he isn't like that with her, I'm not sure.
You're right and I do have a bit of a lack of self esteem unfortunately.
I really shouldn't care what he thinks.
All the other care staff seem to trust me.
There's a difference between saying 'so John is a new resident here, just make sure you do X as he's at risk of xyz''
And 'so what you're going to do now for me is you're going to change his pad. Make sure you do it niice and gently ok?'
' no no no that's not how you change it. I'll do it.

I'll try to not give it headspace but it just really gets on my nerves.

You know you can use this to your advantage.

"Great I'll leave it to you, colleague, you have AMAZING pad changing skills."

"Do you want to the lead here, colleague? I appreciate you have a particular technique."

Take control and 'allow' him to just go ahead and do it. And enjoy doing a bit less, because obviously he's such an expert 🙄 😉

Butthatsnotmyname · 19/05/2023 11:15

TheCatterall · 19/05/2023 09:18

@Cheeeeese kill with Uber politeness in a super cheery way.

“morning mansplainer, how about this shift we try something new, let’s try us just working together and see if it still goes ok without your continued instructions and explanations, I’m quite happy that I know what I’m doing so reckon it will work out ok” finish with a huge beaming smile.

100% everything with a HUGE smile.

And point out how amazing he's being. Really ramp it up 😂

Honestly as soon as you turn it around and realise it's not you, you can have some fun with it.

You're always going to come across criticism, deal with it in a new way, because it seems your only reaction now is to be self critical.

Don't let him have that power, it's up to you how you deal with how it affects you.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 19/05/2023 11:22

Start calling him dad. Tell him he reminds you of how your df spoke to you when you were 5...

Original poster
Cheeeeese · 19/05/2023 11:24

Those are good ideas, thanks. Yes I'm leaving fortunately, but it could be another 2 months yet!
I have tried to talk to him by saying I am not new, I have already worked here, I have previously worked in care etc. And that he doesn't have to tell me everything but it's almost like he does it on purpose.
I need to stop giving him power

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 19/05/2023 11:31

I also remember your other thread, great that you're leaving! I think given that, it's probably not worth raising properly or telling management again etc.

Could you try reframing it in your head and treating him like a keen toddler? My toddler wants to help me and teach me about everything, so of course I let her flex her skills... 😆

"We need to do Mary's pad before we turn her."
"Good job! Well remembered."

"Make sure you do it nice and slowly."
"That's right! Clever you."

PinkFootstool · 19/05/2023 11:54

The more you post about this, the more I wonder if he's talking like that for the benefit of the resident. It is a great way to help them understand what's about to happen and whose doing what.

Original poster
Cheeeeese · 19/05/2023 11:57

I know he was being helpful by suggesting exercise, but he didn't even ask me if I currently did any, just launched into a 10 minutes lecture about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeeeese · 19/05/2023 14:08

No, as he's not addressing the residents when he's doing it. And him correcting every little thing I do isn't helping the residents in any way.

OP posts:
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