Am I too old to be heartbroken by this?

[PodgePie]

I’m 41 years old and my father has just told me he doesn’t want anything to do with me (well, via my stepmother).

He divorced my mum 33 years ago but apparently I am solely responsible for all the hurt ‘he has felt’ over those years. Despite me always making the effort to drive hundreds of miles to see him, and always being the one to arrange festive get togethers, it’s always him that makes the effort and he can’t take it anymore.

Apparently he went ‘above and beyond’ organising his only grandchild’s birthday present (a book which Amazon will tell you is the first choice under a ‘book for pony mad 10 year olds’). It turned up in the Amazon packaging with no gift message (he is a millionaire so money is not a problem).

I was 8 years old when he left - how can I possibly have been responsible or accountable for a grown man’s feelings? I am struggling with this so much - he hasn’t spoken to me for 6 months due to a mix up at Christmas (of my stepmother’s design). She was the other woman and she has always tried to twist history to pretend my mother (and her ex husband) don’t exist. Maybe I should have expected that soon they would try to erase me too. It hurts even more that they tried to erase my daughter.

there are a lot more examples of shitty behaviour (telling me he didn’t want to see me when I was 10) but I can’t write it all as we’ll be here forever.

Maybe I’m being dramatic but this has been the most painful week and I’ve deleted his numbers. I know it’s over and despite being told that it’s up to me to ‘extend an olive branch’ and I ‘reap what I sow’ I don’t think I really want to so I can protect my own sanity & wellbeing.

I feel like I’m grieving.

You are grieving. And anyone of any age would be heartbroken. He’s an absolute bastard. As it came via her are you absolutely sure those are his words and thoughts though?

I’m so sorry, you’re understandably devastated by all of it.

Is your mum still around? Can you talk to her?

You're father sounds like a narcissis. I would encourage NC or LC and some therapy.

Long term, it will be the best thing you do!

That's absolutely awful and totally his fault. You were 8 so rest assured you were not responsible for anything then..more a victim of his selfishness. Are you sure his wife is not stirring up stuff? His complete diatribe against you sounds like someone having some kind of mental breakdown..maybe l am completely wrong there.
You did right to cut him off as he will never be a proper dad carrying on like that.
I hope you have good support.

Not unreasonable at all. It hurts to be rejected by your father at any age. Of course you'll feel grief but I hope you are able to come to accept that this reflects a problem with him, not you.

Thank you. Yes, I’m absolutely sure. My brother has had major surgery this week & i text him to let him know (my brother was sure he was totally unaware). I was sent a very short reply saying “of course i know, wife’s name suggested an olive branch & THIS ISN’T IT” he was lying because he was caught out - my brother hadn’t received any communication from him at all.

I do, thankfully but this week has been utterly dreadful. Sadly she probably is stirring - she’s always wanted this - but he goes along with it because it suits their narrative/lifestyle.

Thank you for the reassurance - it is very hard not to shoulder the blame for all of this now.

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like you need to protect your peace right now. You’re really wounded. I had a tumultuous relationship all my life with my mother but now things have changed. We’d sometimes not see each other for two years at a time. Such a waste.

You never know what the future will bring, (time can change a lot) but for now focus on caring for yourself. X

Im sorry to hear you have felt similar - I just can’t imagine treating my daughter like this so it astounds me that any parent could be so evasive & unloving. But I’m better off without him in my life

My mum is around but still absolutely broken by their divorce (he was vile but I overlooked that because I was in adoration of him). So I try not to talk to her about him - but I did break down on her the other day about this. And she didn’t say “I told you so” which she’s done in the past. I have lifelong abandonment issues because of him which have presented in self harm & eating disorders so it’s been many years of pain.

She’s definitely stirring (and enjoying) but he’s going along with it. I’ve wondered for a few years whether she’s trying to push me out to protect the money & that he might depleting mentally. But he volunteers in a very responsible (legal) position so I think any mental inability would have been registered. I think he’s just a dick.

Follow the money. Your stepmother is protecting it, and your dad is behaving like a coward.

So very sorry, PodgePie, and no, you're never to old to have your heart broken, unfortunately.

To me death of a. relationship is the same as if that person has died for me. Easier to move on. Grieve, yes but then dust your clothes and get on with your life. Accept that you don't exist for him and he doesn't exist for you anymore. I guess I am cold hearted like that.

Tell him exactly this "I was 8 years old when you left - how can I possibly have been responsible or accountable for a grown man’s feelings?"

Then tell him if he ever decides to be an adult and responsible for his own choices and feelings to get in touch, and then you'll consider if you can get over all the hurt he's made you feel. Otherwise he can fuck right off with his sad-sack self pity and lacklustre efforts.

Unfortunately I’m on the receiving end of my son doing this to me. He comes to my home, completely blanks me but talks to hi dad. I try to speak to him and it’s like I’m invisible. It’s making me feel suicidal.

Op I totally understand you're hurt but honestly - trying with him will be flogging a dead horse and only hurt you more .

I went nc with a parent like this 25 years ago and I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted from my shoulders.

You're grieving for the "what should have been " not for the "what is"

It's actually easier without them . My kids never asked from the day we went nc - my dd la residing memory of my mother is her shouting at my dd because she bumped her head on their bloody stupid height kitchen worktop - they had wall cupboards as floor cupboards just at the right height for a 3 year old to hit their head .

That stayed with my dd . My own mother yelled at her in anger because she bumped her head . No care , no are you ok , no kiss it better- just angry shouting.

You and your child will be so much freer without this dead wood - it will hurt while you grieve . And then it won't . Xx

I agree your SM has surely had a hand in all of this and there's more going on you are unaware of. Are you able to communicate with him directly?

If it was me, I would have it out face to face with him, not with her involved at all. As a poster upthread suggested, remind him you were all of 8 when he upped sticks so hardly responsible for his unhappiness.

In the meanwhile, keep copies of these communications and where they originate from. I suspect you might need them down the track.

To be honest he has history of being a shit dad - I’d rule out financial manipulation by your step mother. I think those words are his genuine deadbeat feelings, and I’d be minded to tell him the feeling is mutual as he’s always been a terrible father, and never look back.

to a certain extent she’s well aware of his finances and might be trying to insert his wealth into her life as much as possible, but I doubt she has the power to completely turn him against you. He already had the seed within him, she probably watered it

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied & I‘m sorry for those who have experienced similar. Some really wise words which have left a positive impression so huge thanks xx