To think this is not common toddler behaviour?

[AlfaRomeoWhereArtThou]

My little girl is 2 years 10 months. I think she is quite clever on the whole (knows all the letters and numbers, can count to 30 and do simple maths e.g. there are 4 people in the room, if mummy leaves there will be 3 left etc., does jigsaw puzzles of around 25 pieces). She is also very sociable in that she likes to talk to both adults and children and actively engages other kids in play. Therefore, up until now, I haven't been concerned about anything.

Recently, I've noticed that she is very rigid in her behaviour and how things need to go. For instance, if we are playing with a certain toy on the sofa one day whilst eating a snack, she will not play with that toy the next day unless we sit in the exact same spot on the sofa and eat the exact same snack. If daddy plays a game with her in one corner of the room, she will only play the game with him (not with me) in that exact corner of the room from that point onwards. Etc. Etc.

I've never had a child this age before, so I have no idea whether this is common in toddlers. I know they like routine at this age, but was also thinking it could be indicative of ASD or something along those lines. However, given that she seems to be doing OK developmentally and socially otherwise, that would surprise me.

IABU - this is common toddler behaviour and nothing to worry about

IANBU - this could be indicative of ASD or another developmental issue

Could you speak to your Health Visitor?

My 2 year old has to have things done in the same way you did it the first time too so I'm interested in reading any responses to this!

Little kids are weird! Plenty of them (most?) have a big handful of quirky behaviours. I don’t think there is anything to make of it at this age. ‘Particular’ behaviour is a common one.

She might be neurodiverse. Maybe a bit of hyperlexia/hypernumercy which can go hand in hand with asd. Girls are especially good at masking asd.

As a parent of such a kid, try not to worry too much. Asd is far different from what I thought it would be. If you are concerned, I'd recommend asking to go on the asd assessment pathway as there's a long list. If it's not needed when you get to the end of it, you can just tell them you don't feel its necessary now.

Sounds like my DD, could count to 20 and recite her alphabet by 18 months (but this was lockdown so we had bugger else to do so it’s probably just repetition in our case). Her nursery think she’s bright and neurotypical. I don’t believe she is hyperlexic though, she picks things up quickly but still has to be taught them, so for example nursery taught them french numbers to ten and she had memorised them the first day, but she wouldn’t have been able to pick it up entirely by herself. If your DD is self taught though I would investigate further.

DD can be very rigid about routine but I think it’s because when she’s done something the first time she thinks thats the correct way. I think some kids just like the reassurance of knowing what to expect. DD has known what day it is since about 2 , (so if you ask her what day it is she’ll say Friday correctly) and she’ll know what’s happening that day i.e. nursery then swimming lesson. I think it’s just important to her that she knows what will happen next. After 3 she’s become a bit more relaxed but still likes to do things in order, I don’t think that’s unusual.

I would probably check with your GP/HV just in case but it could just be personality. I was a bit worried when DD was 2 and her nursery manager who spent a lot of time with her (extremely experienced) felt there was nothing out of the ordinary and I know they have discussed neurodivergence with other parents so they don’t just brush it off.

Not all children who have ASD struggle with development. My Son was extremely clever for his age, he was obsessed with numbers and letters and he taught himself to read before he started nursery, he was diagnosed with ASD when he was 4.5 years old.

Try not to worry too much though, children do all sorts of 'strange stuff' at that age anyway.

Even if she does have ASD, try not to worry, it doesn't affect everyone in the same way, it's a spectrum. I was upset/worried at first, especially after going on a course for parents and listening to 'horror stories', my Son is 10 now and I can't relate to any of the stories I heard.

Sounds like my older DS in terms of academics. He taught himself to read and was talking in full sentences significantly before 2. He has ASD - an Asperger’s type profile.

Don't overthink it as toddlers do Wierd things. Routine feels safe

Thanks very much for your replies everyone. I think I will take it up with the HV to see if she can be referred for assessment. If there are neurodiversity issues at play, I would like her to get support early on.

I think talking to the HV to see what she thinks would be the first step, rather than asking the HV immediately for a referral. You say your daughter will only play with the same toy in the same place, but what happens if you try to get her to do something different? Does she just not want to, or does it actually distress her?

If she’s generally happy and not distressed, I personally would not be concerned at this stage. If she is having significant problems, then it’s a different matter, but what you’ve described sounds like it could easily fall within perfectly normal behaviour patterns.

My dd was very similar. Very clever. Had some very odd quirks. Was quite rigid in somethings. I remember liking my dad to sit in a particular position in a particular spot and didn’t like him sitting in another chair.

She is 19. Still very clever, less rigid. She is also neurotypical. She has just finished her first year of Uni and is doing well academically and socially.

I would say this behaviour can be under the umbrella of ‘usual’ toddler behaviour. But also may not be. Lots of toddlers have odd quirks. And sometimes routine and sticking to something and refusing to do sometimes another way is simply them trying to exercise some control over their own lives. They don’t decide much for themselves, as they get older they want to decide more for themselves. It could be just her way of ensuring something is done her way.

She's clever, she's happy, she's developing typically. It doesn't sound like she needs "support" even if she IS autistic.

You're unlikely to get a referral based just on the one thing you mention. Does it run in your or your partner's family?

Also getting a diagnosis doesn't automatically lead to any support either and given she's happy and content and sociable I'm not sure what if any support she could benefit from anyway!

Please try to just enjoy her and not worry too much or overanalyse. If more potential issues arise, you can tackle it then.

I think that sounds completely normal.
Little children especially, to feel safe and secure enjoy repetition of things they like - doing the same thing at the same time, in the same place. Or things like always having the blue cup or a particular plate, the same toy.

All of my three did and most of my friend's children at that age would have done as well.

I think I was worried about some similar behaviours at about 2 (although can't remember fully), like having to walk to the car in a particular way or have the seat belt buckled in a particular way, and things in a particular order. Doesn't seem to do it now a bit older.

Another similar child here. As a pp said, I think he thinks the first way is automatically the correct way, so why would you change it.

My son was diagnosed as gifted and talented 4 years before his ASD diagnosis. He was also extremely sociable as a toddler particularly with adults and had a huge vocabulary. Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition and that advanced behaviour can start to slip as they age. It has in our experience anyway.
She's still very young but if you do suspect ASD an early dx is preferable.

I would keep it in mind but not really dwell on it. Toddlers do weird things, this is only really one type of thing so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

It a a bit soon to jump to asking for an assessment on the basis of this alone when it doesn’t really sound like she needs any particular support

Agreed, my dd did exactly that as a toddler. It was with a ball, and we were rolling it back and forth. She would only play this game again if we both sat in our same exact positions as we did the first time.
She's just turned 5 now, taught herself to read about 18 months ago and now reads as fluently as I do. She's still quite rigid and loves rules at school. Struggles with friendships a bit but is friendly and wants friends.
I did go to the hv, my gut instinct was and is that she's on the asd spectrum, was told they'd refer to paed to satisfy my anxiety not because there was anything wrong with dd.
Paed said nothing too concerning but did say it likely wouldn't become more evident until she's older and struggles socially. So we're watching and waiting. Interestingly ds who is younger is already on the pathway to diagnosis so this more cements my opinion on dd.
I just try to support her socially as best I can

I have ASD, went to a grammar school, got a degree etc. my friends used to say that I was a bit weird but they liked me anyway.

I was only diagnosed with autism last year. It is often hard to tell with intelligent girls and women because we are experts at hiding it. However, I knew!

It sounds totally normal to me. Toddlers have control over very little, so anything they can exercise control over, they will. That might be only eating red food, only eating from a certain plate, only 'letting' someone sit in a particular chair.

They are also making connections in different ways to adults, and about things that are important to them - I wore my hair in bunches when we went to the zoo and it was a brilliant day. I want my hair in bunches again as that means it will be another brilliant day.

Thanks everyone. As far as I know ASD does not run in either of mine or DH's families. Above average IQ and high sensitivity do, so perhaps that's somewhat related to it. I will speak to the HV and see what they say!

My grandson could do the alphabet forwards and backwards at 2.5. He could count to 100, and taught himself to read at the same age. He was behind linguistically. And yes, he is ASD. (diagnosed around 5). There may not be anything, but - if so - a diagnosis provides access to all types of support. Whichever way, my grandson is a bright, generous and loving person - as you little one is too!

I think that picking it up with your HV early is the best course of action if you have any concerns, but be prepared to go round in circles for a while if they recommend you watch and wait. I knew something was different with DD1's behaviour by the time she was 3 but she was 7 before anyone would take me seriously.

Interestingly, DD1 (now diagnosed with ASD) finds numbers boring and tricky to learn. She's never touched a jigsaw puzzle either. As far as we can tell DD2 is neurotypical - but she's a maths whizz and was doing 200 piece puzzles aged 4. Sometimes it's just the child. But there's absolutely no harm in paying attention to the little quirks in behaviour that, as a parent, you see better than anyone else - sometimes they add up to something, sometimes they don't. But better to be aware than not.

Erm if it is only that it sounds way more like little kids being weird than anything else. Mine all went through phases of demanding to eat only off certain plates, with certain cutlery (not just children's plates, we had two green dinner plates and three children causing squabbles until the oldest was 13 and just gave up). All three were picky about clothes, one wore a specific purple dress pretty much constantly for a year aged 3. It is the rule of stories that no matter how many lovely Julia Donaldson's you buy you end up having to constantly reread some fucking awful story about a train that does fuck all that you bought in a charity shop for 20p after some other family finally managed to get it out of the house. Pasta for one had to have tomato sauce, another pesto and another completely plain but with veg on the side. All are teens now, none have ASD. They were just the worst bunch of micro-managers I have ever dealt with.

I wouldn't say it is too out of the ordinary. My 2yo gets pretty upset if someone sits in the wrong seat at the dinner table. And once I took my two (him and 3.5yo sister) to a new class and they had a ham sandwich in the car on the way home and now whenever we go to that class they have to have ham sandwiches in the car on the way home. Kids are weird and particular. I don't have any concerns about my two. Both knew their letters from pretty early on, like before 2. Older one can now write her name but that's pretty recent and entirely driven by nursery, she just gets annoyed at me if I try and get her to write.