I will start by saying I am most likely projecting alot of my own issues and unresolved trauma.
21 years ago I met my ex . I had not long left school. He was 10 years older. We met in the pub I worked in . His issues with drinking were not obvious to me until later down the line. My mother hated him . One the age gap two the drinking and three she was jealous of someone taking me away or my attention from her basically. I never knew my biological father . The man I grew up thinking was my dad moved to Devon when I was 17 cut all contact overnight and never came back. I later found out he wasn't my dad (he knew he wasn't. He qas married was having an affair with my mum and retired there with his wife thus leaving us behind in the process) I went looking for my dad in my thirties and found my siblings. My bio dad died when I was 15. I go to his grave sometimes. I have some photos and that's it .
I stayed with ex even when it became apparent his drinking was a problem. I believed him when he said he was lonely , wouldn't be like it if he was a dad .. usual stuff. We had a family. 4 children in total. The eldest boy is approaching 18 , two more sons came and then our daughter whos 9.
Violence came into the relationship. Many a beating I took. Some reported some not. 5 years ago he tried to strangle me in the family home while the kids were upstairs. Over a hobby I had and a job I qas applying for. I posted about it here under a different username in the days that followed.
I saw my chance to get free and I took it. He was arrested. I later filed for divorce. He stalked and threatened to kill me. A non molestation order I got with the help of women's aid. I went to court alone and was granted it. It took immense bravery. The depression engulfed me. I thought i would die more than once.
I met someone else . So did he. He's engaged to her. She knows of his past... doesn't believe it happened. IF it did happen it must have been my fault. He won't do it to her as she has her dad around and my problem was I didn't have a dad
Her words. She Said this to my children and I heard the call. I never stopped him seeing his kids. His contaact was intermittent. One day he arrived late and i had popped out to drop one of our sons at the train station. He drove off after waiting under 5 mins and that's the last anyone saw or heard of him. I was blocked on text and wattsapp. His family all cut me off when we split. They relied on him to facilitate contact and he fucked it up basically.
A month ago his mum contacted me asking yo meet me. Saying she wanted to see the children..so I met her. I don't like her but it's not her fault her sons a waste of space
Hes didn't send them birthday cards or even q christmas card. No presents. Nothing. He does pay maintenance. She met with me. Said the usual about my part and blame in it all. Some horrid things said. I said if the kids wanted to see her they could if they didn't I wouldn't force them. She saw them last weekend. 2 of them wanted to see her. 2 didn't
Her contacting me upset my daughter a great deal. She qas very distressed asking about her dad. When can she see him..honest truth I have never heard such a pained cry come out of a child. It was akin to her being in physical unbearable pain. Deeply distressing.
Weekend just gone no maintenance came so I emailed him. It's my only means of contact. A one sentence answer followed saying he's out of work at the minute. I was polite and said whilst unfortunate we have four kids who need feeding and any contribution would be welcome. He sent something later that day and another email to tell me next month he's moving with his fiance qnd her child to Cornwall. Penzance. Virtually off the map. He won't be back. There will be no contact. Its my job to tell my children when the times right that he's gone or going and what this means. At present we live in South London and he lives I Berkshire. He doesn't see them that far. Let alone 300 miles away. This is it. He's shut the door on ever seeing them.
This is where I sound selfish. I keep crying. In bed. When they are out. When driving. It hurts
Hurts hes picking up his life with no responsibility. Hurts he's never ever apologised for what he did to me and us and Is leaving. Its opened old wounds around my own dad. I am frightened of the pain this will cause my children. I am scared of hearing the pained cry of my little daughter who doesn't understand why her dad doesn't want to know them.
I don't know what I am trying to say. Just wanted to get it out. I messaged his mum and asked if she knew when she contacted me. She says he only told her at the weekend. I don't believe her. I can't prove it but I just don't. It's not her fault he's doing this but I feel so hurt.
Someone please hold my hand I feel like I am drowning under 21 years of pain sadness and abuse. He would beat me and tell me my dad never fucking wanted me. And now he's doing this. I am in alot of pain mentally at the moment. X