to have a Grandma living in a residential home.

[smurfgirl]

I am going to see my family this weekend, including my nana who is in a home and was telling my mate about it. She started slagging off the home, and was saying she did not understand how I could do it to my nana and she would never do that to her nana.

Well my nana is in her 80s, dementia, osteoperosis and is in the home with her husband who is in his 90s, also has dementia and terminal renal cancer. And hers is in her late 60s and completely all there.

She loves where she lives now, prior to going in she was not eating (despite daily visits from family), she was not washing, she was drinking a lot because she could not remember how much she had had, they would not let social services carers into the bungalow etc etc

I know this is the best choice, she is so much healthier, we don't worry non-stop, and I used to work in residential care so I know that homes can be fabulous.

I get it all the time though about how cruel we are as a family to let her go into residential care, I wish people would think before they speak.

If your nana (& grandad) is in a place where she can recieve the best possible, expert care for her particular needs, then you are NOT being cruel whatsoever.

People making such remarks are so ignorant. In your friends' case she quite obviously has NO idea about the logistics of caring for someone so needy at home.

Even those who do care for elderly relatives at home have, IMO, no right to pass judgement. Everyone's individual situation is so different, we all have different demands on our time, different obligations, different capabilities, different income, different space and so on, all of which contribute to the feasability of caring for an elderly relative.

You mate was being very insensitive. Very easy to have that attitude until you are faced with the reality of looking after an elderly person yourself. Easy to imagine that you could be solicious and bring them cups of tea, make then nice meals, but your Grandma obviously needs specialised care. I think that your friend has no idea what looking after her would entail.

If your nana is happy where she is there's nothing cruel about it. It would be worse for her to be living on her own and not being able to cope.

YANBU How thoughtless and judgemental your friend is. It's none of her business in any way. Catsmother's post is spot on.

Echo catsmother here.

Dad(90)lives with us, because its dodgy for him to live by himself, and because we can meet his needs, if this changes then he goes in the best home we can find.
You do the best you can to meet needs ,Theirs and yours
Dont beat yourself up, shes being a tit.

If she loves it - I don't see what the problem is? ASk her what she thinks when her nana is 90 and has dementia.

I don't find living in a home in itself a problme. My grandma is 90 and I suspect is quite lonely despite my Aunt going in every day - I suspect that she would be much happier in a residential home with people around all the time but she's too proud.

Your mate has no idea of the reality of caring for an elderly relative and is talking out of an orifice which is not her mouth.

My father had a severe stroke some years ago and independent living is beyond him. I moved him to the village where I live, he lives in sheltered accommodation and someone goes in to see him and do things like cleaning and shopping for him everyday.

He is becoming less and less mobile and the time will come when this no longer works. He cannot cope with the noise my dcs make. They cannot cope with his short tempter and there is no way I could cope with all 3 of them and a job I leave the house at 5.30am to get to. So when the time comes, residential care is the only option for all of us.

People may think that I am cruel but when they have been in the situation, I might engage with them, otherwise, they can butt out!

Ignore her. Only you and yours understand what is really happening.

kewcumber my nana loves the social side of it, she has loads of cups of tea watching this morning chatting to the other residents!

My dh's great aunt of 98 moved into a care home in October. Up to that time she had been living in a flat overlooking the sea at Worthing with cleaners coming once a fortnight and a carer who came in twice a week. Her daughter lives in Bridgwater (Somerset) 4 hours away and would go and stay for 5 days once a month to get all the shopping in.

Auntie is much happier now as she sees people everyday, has all her meals provided for her and lives 10 minutes drive from her daughter and 50 minutes from us so she sees family much more often. She was unsure whether to move but after careful planning and the option to move back to Worthing if things went wrong she has decided that it was the best thing to do. It can definately be the best place for elderly people to live and I hope when I am old that somewhere as nice can be found for me - no more cooking.

Your friend is talking out of her back passage.

Your mate clearly hasn't the faintest idea what looking after an elderly relative can be like, and pictures a slightly-frail but ever-so-sweet person who is no trouble at all to have around the house, and just needs you to pop the kettle on now and then... Lucky her ... for most frail and confused elderly people even the nicest and most concerned and loving relatives cannot hope to do as good a job as 24/7 cover from trained and experienced staff.

Like you, I wish people would think before they are negative about a choice which they have no understanding of.