If for whatever reason, you had a parent(s) that did not take care of you - do you ever struggle with self care?

[Holdontightly]

I'm just curious if this is a thing with others. When I refer to self care here, I mean all the routine daily chores of making sure you are as healthy and well as possible in all ways, from cooking decent meals to doing things that enrich your mental wellbeing like making time for a hobby or seeing friends who treat you well. Anything that nourishes you.

Due to very unfortunate reasons, through no fault of her own, I grew up away from my mum. Didn't see my dad.

My grandma took excellent care of me and in some ways I'm great at self care, I have a clear view of what I want and need and can do certain tasks with ease, but others I have a real mental block on that frustrates me and gets in my own way. Huge apathy keeps me stuck.

I suspect part of this comes from having an uneasy relationship with my own 'needs' and being inclined to dismiss them as something nice to have, but not necessary. Almost optional, when they shouldn't be, or something. Not figured it out yet.

But can anyone relate at all to this, or am I a weirdo?

Absolutely relate. It turns up in the smallest, most unexpected ways as well. Sometimes when I step back I’m appalled at how I don’t see myself as someone worthy of simple things. I don’t rate my achievements because I was always told I’m worthless (I’m achieving well now, but simple things like feeling proud of myself after a good grade for example, are ridiculously difficult). I wasn’t taught how to do basic household tasks and I wasn’t taught basics of caring for myself, so it’s all been a huge learning curve, on a purely practical level. When these things don’t come naturally, it’s really hard to explain to others, as an adult. There’s shame and embarrassment that I don’t know certain ‘life skill’ things (that seem weirdly simple) and yet I’m objectively intelligent.

I was raised in a household with an abusive alcoholic. While from the outside it looked like all our needs and wants were met because we were middle to upper-middle class, we were often denied necessities and lived in a near constant state of fight or flight.

having a normal life routine and a normal relationship with resources is just one of the many ways I struggle as an adult. I manage to pull it off through sheer force of will and determination, but it isn’t easy.

I wouldn't call you a weirdo! Maybe you struggle from the trauma of why you had to live with your grandma? We all deal with stress/anxiety/upheaval differently. Have you ever spoken to a professional about it or the way you feel?

I wasn't neglected but my mum died when I was a child. I sort of grew up in a situation whereby I knew not to make anyone else's life harder... if that makes sense. So don't ask for help... everyone has enough on their plate. Basically be a people pleaser to the extreme.

As such I really struggle and feel tremendous guilt at doing anything for myself. I'm talking very basic things like seeing a doctor or a dentist. I had a skin infection for months once and I continually bought OTC creams which did nothing. Eventually I went to the doctor and got antibiotics. I don't know why I didn't go earlier but I just feel guilty for being a nuisance. I haven't seen a dentist for over a decade...its really hard to explain my thought process

I sort of grew up in a situation whereby I knew not to make anyone else's life harder... if that makes sense. So don't ask for help... everyone has enough on their plate.

I can sort of relate to this. Youngest child, older siblings were teens when I was a toddler. Mum and older siblings were very traumatised by her abusive first husband, and another sister traumatised after suffering a violent attack as a child. Some of my earliest memories are of pacifying someone or another, as just a tiny girl who wanted people to stop shouting or crying.

I was a good kid, and a high performer at school - so nobody ever worried about me. The elder three got the lion's share of the active parenting, and my mum took the rest of the family's energy on herself.

I am not a people pleaser as a result though, haha! Almost maniacally self sufficient, and probably unfairly expect others to be so too, but also wishing that just occasionally people would really prioritise me as an individual, instead of always coming last to noisier demands for attention.

People seem to go down 2 paths after trauma in childhood- continue the same behaviours or go the opposite.

My cousin grew up with an emotionally abusive/OCD mother. House was pristine and cousin yelled out for touching anything or getting any mess on her clothes. When cousin had a family- her house was a mess- clothes everywhere, washing up piled high in the sink etc.

My mum was never allowed to cook or use the kitchen, leading to her having a limited (but healthy) repertoire of meals when I grew up. She did encourage me though and I nearly became a chef.

Yep. Grew up with a mother that made sure I was fed but emotionally and physically abused me- none of my other needs other than giving me food and a bed to sleep in. It’s weird, I was never provided with sanitary items (would use rolled up toilet paper and it was made very clear to me that tampons were in some way dirty).
I still have an issue buying sanitary items for myself. I have no idea why, I can absolutely afford them, and take care of myself in every other way but it’s like something mentally blocks me from doing it 🤷‍♀️ I have a lovely husband who buys them for me now, and I wonder if he didn’t whether I would. Very strange.

I grew up with a mother who was loving, eccentric, a talented poet, an adventurer at heart, but she did not keep the home clean (this was in the days when that was the mother's role), and we were always dressed very, well, scruffily (to the extent that we were teased at school, and the teacher gave me clothes to wear).

There were three children in the household, and we have all grown up to be quite untidy, people, who do not notice untidy environments. We have also struggled to notice when we don't dress well. I struggled to keep my workspace tidy at work and this did cause some tension.

The problems arose is because we were not raised in an environment where these things seemed to matter, and when we found out they did matter, somehow it was a task to learn the skills.

So, yes, even though we were not abused (due to the living conditions and the clothing situation, we may very well have been neglected a little), our environment has affected us.

Absolutely!