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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you attend a wedding…

32 replies

crabsaremisunderstood · 18/05/2023 14:46

… is it expected for guests to stay until the very end?

I’m attending a few weddings this year. I’m playing a “role” (not wedding party) in each of them which requires me to get up very early and be at the venue much earlier than other guests.

On the invitations they all state “carriages at midnight”. Call me boring but I rarely make it past 10pm even on a weekend, and with the extra early starts I’d rather not have to stay until the bride and groom depart. Obviously, I’d say a proper goodbye and thank them for a wonderful day, etc. before making my excuses!

My question, then:

YABU - It is expected that guests stay to the very end of the wedding evening
YANBU - It’s perfectly acceptable to leave a bit earlier

Thank you all!

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 18/05/2023 14:49

“Carriages” means “all the drunk people to feck off, the bar is closing and the B&G retiring to their suite to consummate”

it does not mean “the doors are locked and youre forced to stay on the dance floor, drinking tequila and dancing to Agadoo until then”

leave when you like. The B&G won’t notice

Original poster
crabsaremisunderstood · 18/05/2023 14:50

Just to clarify that I have attended many weddings before and not once have I stayed until the bitter end. I’m just curious as to whether whether people think I’ve been wrongly leaving early this entire time!!

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 18/05/2023 14:51

I generally do not want to stay for Evening do is now -I have had enough socialising in the many hours beforehand.

I tend to not say goodbye (why break up a party) and just leave as soon as polite (8.30/9)

Wish saying no to evening do was something you could do on the invite. Trying to chat in a noisy disco with no seats isn't my idea of fun anymore. (Unless say my parents also there at a family event)

RonObvious · 18/05/2023 14:52

Loads of people leave early - weddings tend to be quite long and tiring days!

2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps · 18/05/2023 14:52

YANBU to leave whenever you like. I don't believe there is any expectation to stay until the death.

That being said, if you left a Scottish wedding early you'd miss the best part - where we all go insane at the Loch Lomond song. Canny beat it 😁

Infusionist · 18/05/2023 14:56

I think as long as you stay for the first dance you’re fine!

Fandabedodgy · 18/05/2023 15:01

“carriages at midnight” is just a fancy way of telling you what time it finishes at.

You go home when you want to and you wont be the only person leaving before the end.

Fandabedodgy · 18/05/2023 15:02

if you left a Scottish wedding early you'd miss the best part - where we all go insane at the Loch Lomond song. Canny beat it 😁

Too right!

thecatsthecats · 18/05/2023 15:05

Honestly, some couples will be annoyed about this sort of thing, but it's unreasonable to be annoyed by it, so crack on and leave when you're tired out.

I loved my wedding specifically because I chose a venue where it was as easy to chill out as it was to party. I dipped out to join my baby nephew for bathtime at one point, and at another sat with my parents in front of a log fire with a dog for half an hour as if the dancefloor wasn't happening.

So do what you like. Because the bride and groom will be so busy that they probably wouldn't even notice if you were gone - that's just the way at weddings!

Jules912 · 18/05/2023 15:12

The only time I have ever stayed at a weeding until the end was when it was in the arse end of nowhere and they'd laid on buses to the nearest hotel. Admittedly these days I tend to use the kids as an excuse to slip off early, only time I felt guilty was when I was a bridesmaid.

Iyjd · 18/05/2023 15:22

I wouldn’t rush to say bye, text the next day. I know that sounds strange but I had a party a couple of weeks back and the last two hours, when everyone was up dancing and it would have been the most fun, I spent the entire time saying bye to people and missing the fun.

Eastie77Returns · 18/05/2023 15:24

Don’t bother saying goodbye, just leave. The B&G won’t notice unless you are an extremely important guest whose absence will be noticed.

icebearforpresident · 18/05/2023 15:27

if you left a Scottish wedding early you'd miss the best part - where we all go insane at the Loch Lomond song. Canny beat it 😁

Pretty sure you aren’t legally married in Scotland until the Loch Lomond pile on!

siestaingsnake · 18/05/2023 15:27

Fandabedodgy · 18/05/2023 15:02

if you left a Scottish wedding early you'd miss the best part - where we all go insane at the Loch Lomond song. Canny beat it 😁

Too right!

I despise this bit. its just the new auld lang syne usually my cue for the loo if I am still there at any function

Bogggle · 18/05/2023 15:30

Our wedding last year started at 2.30pm and people were leaving from about 7pm onward. I think carriages at midnight usually means that's the latest you can leave. I'm normally a bed by 10pm person so I was hoping everyone would leave earlyGrin but I was surprised how many people were still up dancing right til the end

Wicksytricksy · 18/05/2023 15:36

I'm always last out the door, I love a good dance and weddings are usually my only chance!

(Apart from the one we went to when DD was 9mo and having her first sleep over at GPs. We left a bit early so we could, ahem, enjoy having the house to ourselves and still get 8 hours sleep).

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 18/05/2023 17:33

You'd hate the invitation to JRR Tolkien's dons 21st then @crabsaremisunderstood

When you attend a wedding…
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 18/05/2023 17:35

.... I agree that "carriages at midnight" mains "just go, go now, please leave, havn't you got a home to go to". It's not an instruction to stay until midnight.

Mumto1boyo · 18/05/2023 17:36

Fuckin hope not. I've got to go to dhs fuckwit brother and his cunt fiancées wedding next year. Ideally I wouldn't go at all as they have so nasty to me. As soon as the wedding and food bit is done I'm taking ds and getting a taxi home. Dh can stay if he wants.

TenoringBehind · 18/05/2023 18:02

I would take it to mean that you must leave by midnight (so earlier is fine) not that you must stay until midnight.

burnoutbabe · 18/05/2023 18:12

It's true that's what it literally means

But it always feels damn awkward saying you are tired and want yo leave. Like you are not supporting the bride and groom enough by missing part of the party.

LittleFreakJezebel · 18/05/2023 18:13

Yeah it's fine to leave anytime after the first dance if you ask me, but definitely don't say bye to B&G (which means they also won't even notice when you go anyway).

LongTimeLurker234 · 18/05/2023 18:14

I think cutting the cake and the first dance are usually the last two official bits before you can go home.

ohxmastreeohxmastree · 18/05/2023 18:20

If by ‘role’ you mean a bridesmaid I think you do risk the bride being annoyed at you if you leave anything over 2 hours early so 10pm should be fine. I personally wouldn’t care at all but I wouldn’t be shocked at a bride being upset by this. If you were a normal guest I think it’d be very odd for a bride and groom to care when you leave as long as you stay for the things they would’ve paid for to include you like the food, cutting the cake etc.

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 18/05/2023 18:24

As pps have said, go whenever you want. If I go to a wedding, I go to see people exchange vows. The rest is just pointless. I would not watch a first dance or cake cutting, neither of those things is remotely interesting and I always head for the bar/toilet/garden when it's time for the speeches. In an ideal world, I'd watch the ceremony and leave.