Disagree about schools

[WhatTFdo1do]

Name change as I don't know WTF to do. I've been married 11 years and have 3 kids. The eldest (9) is current at our local school, but due to a number of reasons we think they need to move to a different school as the local one is no longer a good fit for them socially or academically. My DH and I both agree on this. What we don't seem to agree on is where to.
What it basically boils down to is that I think I married a snob without really realising..🙈
The nearest comprehensive school to us is a 10min drive (our local we can walk to in 2 minutes!) and we could probably get a space there. It's a good school, with good inspections. My DH has decided from a few minor interactions with some parents and an after school activity that he doesn't like 'the kind of people' who go there. He wants to send our child to a private school 40mins drive away.

We have 2 younger kids who are nursery age at the moment and the money aside (which is a big thing!) I just don't think it's a good idea as my kids are close and if our eldest was to go to this private school they'd never see their younger siblings during the week (hours are much longer than at the comp) and the major reason I can see for doing the private over the comp is that my DH thinks the people will be a 'better sort'.

My DH and I are on shaky ground anyway, as we aren't seeing eye to eye on a lot, so at times I think we'd be better off splitting up, but even if we did split up, we'd still have to agree on schooling for our kids.. I couldn't just send them to the comp against his wishes, could I? I'm making him sound like a total dick, I realise, but he's actually a really lovely father, very hands on and kids adore him, it's just me and him that things aren't great with. He didn't used to be like this before anyone asks me why I married him and had kids with him 🙈 it's only really since we've had our youngest that he seems to have developed a strong opinion on everything when before he didn't really say much and seemed happy to go with the flow...

WTF do I do?

Did your DH go to a private school? Is it a selective one that he wants for your DS? As someone who has used both state and private for their DC, I would be wary of going private right now for a number of reasons. 1. Your marriage is on shaky grounds. Could you or potential ex afford to keep your son there if it were to break down? 2. Are the results and extra curricular activities on offer at your local state secondaries ‘good enough’ for DS and if not, do you have the time to run him around to other hobbies or tutors to top up? 3. Even with an OKish marriage and two v reasonable London salaries (each low six figures), we are VERY worried about the ongoing costs so think carefully before you commit to fees. Rises of 8-10% not unheard of this year alone. 4. More fees rises are coming with Labour - an additional 20% - so unless the private schools have a pool of v high earning parents to continue funding them, many face ruin. 5. Reverse discrimination is a thing for uni places over the last two years and will continue to be so for a while until universities realise some parents have wised up and simply spent the money on more expensive housing to get their elite education on the state. 6. Where will he go after the prep? No point in sending him back here unless he needs/wants to get into selective independent or grammar or you have deep pockets to go all the way through for him and your other two.

In your position, I would work out the costs of private school, whack a cumulative 20% on from the first year for VAT and then an additional 10% a year before handing the figure to DH to consider. Oh and who will drive DS? Fuel costs?

Unless you can afford to send all 3 private (taking into account 20% VAT on schools fees plus another 10% fee rises each year), your DH isn't thinking rationally.

Spreadsheet

Present him the business case of putting three children through private school.

Make it non emotional and purely practical. Coats, logistics etc

Where are you in the country?

As in London children don't necessarily go to the nearest secondary school for a variety of reasons e.g. it is co-ed when they want single sex, it is single sex when they want co-ed, it is selective, it is not selective.

So as PPs do a business case for sending all 3 to private school.

Then do cases for other state schools your son could get into, specifically ones he can travel to on his own whether by public transport or foot.

I wouldn't completely write him off as a snob, I think it's natural to just not take a liking to certain areas/schools. I know I do and I defo don't class myself as a snob! Does he have an issue with DC's current school (in terms of the people who go there I mean) and he's worried about history repeating itself?

Agree to try the other comp and if DC doesn't get on with it then go private?

I'd say no purely on the basis of not being able to afford it for all 3 first and foremost (assuming you can't!) so maybe focus more on that?

I think it's a mistake to just dismiss/label him as a snob. The fact is that you both want the best for your kids, you just are not seeing eye to eye on how to achieve it.

He really doesn't sound like a bastard OP, and I think you would be making a huge mistake to make the jump from a disagreement over schools to leaving the marriage. He sounds like he loves his kids and that life stresses have got you both to this position - not marrying a bastard.

Is there a bus to the private school?
40 minute drive each way is a long time for someone to driving each way, every school day.

having said that though, why do you think the comp will be better than his current school?

When are you thinking of moving them? Are they in primary school at the moment? When you say your nearest comprehensive, do you mean the next nearest primary school (or junior)? Are they in Y4 or 5? Most children move schools at the end of Y6 anyway. Could you not wait until then?
Sorry if you’re not in England or Wales and I have misjudged the situation.

Have you actually looked around both schools?